Choices

The Sunstone Symposium is happening this weekend.  I attended the free lecture with my girlfriend, mostly because I wanted to see the short film, "Families are Forever," featuring the Montgomery family.  I had seen previews online and saw a few of my high profile gay Mormon Facebook friends promoting it.

I wasn't sure what to expect from the event.  But being there was definitely a positive experience for me.  It was an emotionally exhausting evening and I left with much to think about.

Ultimately, I was very impressed with Wendy Montgomery.  What an amazing mother.  It was an honor to meet her and talk with her.  I found myself wanting to talk more with her, like spending hours conversing and sharing stories.  Her son is very lucky to have the family that he does.

I also found myself wondering how different the Montgomery's experience would be if they lived in Utah instead of California.  It's different here.  The Church is different here.  The people in the Church are different here.  I'm generalizing, of course.  But it has been my experience in meeting LDS people who weren't raised in Utah that even they feel like outsiders when they go to church on Sunday.  I don't know what it is about Utah Mormons, but it sometimes feels like they are so stuck on themselves that they can't see anything else, and anyone who doesn't fit this perfect Promised Land mold is not as good as they are.

I think it's interesting to hear that LDS people from other states or other countries sometimes feel that way too.  And it's sad.  For a Church that preaches fellowship and Christ-like love, it's not always obvious to others.

So I think that it's lucky for the Montgomery's that they live in a place where their neighbors are probably more willing to see a different perspective.  Is it easy to be gay in the Church, or to have a child who is gay in the Church?  No.  Regardless of where you live, it's not easy.  I admire people like Dr. Caitlyn Ryan and Bob Rees who are working to help people understand that it isn't a choice, and more importantly, that parents don't have to choose between their faith and their child.  There is much work to be done and we need people who are willing to help.

The other sad thing though is that, while parents don't have to make that choice, a gay Mormon does.  We have to choose between faith and life.  Do I want to spend my life with someone that I love?  I can't be a Mormon if I do.  Do I want to remain the the faith of my family and my youth, a faith that was everything I knew and is directly tied to everyone I know and love?  Then I have to be alone.  I can't date.  I can't marry.  I can't love.

What an impossible choice that is.

And I wonder sometimes how people can justify asking us to make that choice.

He Took The Midnight Train Going Anywhere

I am Gleek.  I have been since the beginning.  I watched the pilot episode when it was a teaser, months before the show actually premiered.

I realize that not everyone is a fan of Glee.  But I love this show.  So I was very shocked and saddened to hear that Cory Monteith, one of the leading men from the show, had died last week.  I was even more surprised to hear that his cause of death was heroin and alcohol.

Stuff like this has the potential to really freak me out.  Cory was a year older than I am.  That freaks me out.  And I suppose that celebrities have this certain invincibility about them.  I tend to think that when someone has the appearance of a good life, everything to live for, that they will indeed live.  But addiction is no joke and it's so difficult to live with.  I knew that he had struggled, and it makes me sad to think that it still had such a hold on him.  It seemed like he was doing better.  The compassionate part of me feels so bad that people get locked into these things and they can't break free.  It breaks my heart.  I suppose that I just want better things for them.

And then I start wondering if I really have the right to get upset, and to cry, and to be freaked out.  I never met the man.  I didn't know him.  I realize that the real Cory Monteith is not Finn Hudson.  He has a family and a life that is entirely separate from everything Glee.  But as I was watching the season 3 finale yesterday, and not doing a good job at holding back tears, it came to me that something that I love is gone.  And for that reason, it's okay to mourn and not feel bad about it.

I hope that he has peace, and that his family and friends will be comforted in this time of loss.  Thank you Cory, for what you gave to so many Gleeks, myself included.  It won't be the same without you.

Colorful Colorado

Last week, my girlfriend and I and one of our friends went to Denver.  We were there for the weekend.  Ever heard of the Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival?  Up until we started planning the trip, I hadn't either.

The festival was awesome.  The venue was not as good as the one we have in West Valley, but the music was loud and rowdy and our friend got to meet the band he most wanted to see.

It was a much needed and wonderful mini-vacation.  We're all ready to move to Denver.

For the most part, I like living in Utah.  My family is here.  I like the seasons and the scenery and the outdoor stuff.  But there are things that I don't like too.  And it seems like everything I don't like about Utah is fixed in Colorado...with the exception of my family.  However, Colorado is close enough that if we were to move there, we could come back and visit.  I'm not saying that it would be perfect.  And I'd love to spend more time there to see if it is truly how it appears right now.

My girlfriend and I know that there's a good bet that we'll be moving once I'm done with school.  We'll go where I get a job.  After this trip, I think I've added Denver International Airport to my list of places I'll apply to in the next year.

A Supreme Moment of Relief

On the morning of June 26, I awoke to a text message from a straight Mormon friend of mine, asking if I was listening to the news.  I had been participating in SCOTUS watch, along with friends, and had known that the ruling would be coming down that morning.  But in my groggy state, it took me a few minutes to realize what she was talking about.

I stumbled to the living room and turned on the news.  I texted my friend back, saying "wow."  She wrote back: "Enjoy!"

In anticipation of the rulings, I had been feeling anxious and nervous.  In the wake of what was actually determined, I was overwhelmed with relief.

I think that this is all transpiring in the way it needs to.  I was actually glad that there wasn't a sweeping "gay marriage must be legal country-wide" decision.  I don't think this was actually a real possibility, but I was glad nonetheless.  Don't get me wrong, I look forward to the day when this country is united in equality.  And change is coming.  With Proposition 8 being thrown out, there are 13 places in this country where same-sex marriage is completely legal.  However, I think that, to a certain extent, people have to be ready to accept marriage equality.  And it doesn't seem like the majority is there yet.  There is still work to be done, and hearts to be softened.

I am not naive enough to believe that all people will accept it.  There will probably always be people who disagree.  Do I think that Utah will be one of the last places in the country to have marriage equality?  You bet I do.  But do I think it's possible that it could happen?  You bet I do.

I am hopeful as I think about the future.  I am glad that the fight for equality is moving as it is.  Perhaps it is not quick enough for some people.  But I believe that patience and hard work will pay off, just as it is supposed to.

Little Things Make Me Smile

...and most often, they involve a dog, or a photo of a dog, or some mention of a dog.

I can't wait to have a four-legged friend again.

Being Brave

I have read from a few different sources that the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles could be considered an anthem for the LGBT community.  I like Sara Bareilles.  So I finally listened to the song.  And I really like it.

I've been thinking about Grant a lot lately.  I've been kicking myself a little bit, because once upon a time, he wrote this really awesome blog post.  I liked it so much that I printed it, because I wanted to take his ideas and make them fit into my own life.  And now I can't find it.  I tried to retrace the blog steps but it was on a blog that doesn't exist anymore.  And it's not like I can ask him about it.

The post was called "No Apologies, No Regrets: A Gay Manifesto."  From what I remember, he talked about how he had noticed that a lot of Moho's see their "same-gender attraction" (or BEING GAY, for people who don't think it's a syndrome or a disease) as a negative thing.  He wasn't surprised, given the way we are raised.  But his point was that it didn't have to be.  He wrote a manifesto, or a declaration, where he stated his intentions.  I wish I could remember what some of them were.  And I wish I could find that printout!

I was going to write my own manifesto.  But I didn't.  And I still haven't.

I don't think suicide is something that is going to go away for us any time soon.  Yes, things might be getting easier as far as what the American population thinks, what the upcoming generation thinks, and the number of places where same-sex marriage is legal.  But, as we are so often reminded, there is still a long way to go.  And sometimes that long way is just too far.

We're blessed to be a tight-knit community.  We call each other FAMILY for a reason.  And unfortunately, due to outside circumstances that are so often out of our control, we end up knowing the sorrow that comes when someone in our family takes their own life.

I will never blame someone for making that decision.  I ABSOLUTELY WISH THEY WOULDN'T. But I always find myself in a place of sad compassion.  I always find myself wishing that they could have stayed around a little bit longer.  Just stay with us.  Just be brave for just a little bit longer.  I know it's not easy and I know that it's painful and I know that it can absolutely suck.  I know that you get tired of hearing people say that it gets better.  And I know that you want it to change and be better right now.  I wish I could snap my fingers and send all my love to anyone who was feeling that way, and make it all better.  I would.  I so would, in a heartbeat.

Life isn't easy.  I've been through some unimaginable heartaches.  And I'm glad that I'm still here.

If you're thinking about suicide, know that you aren't alone.  No matter how much it feels like you're alone and no one would miss you if you were gone, the ripples that will extend from a decision like that will reach farther than you could imagine.  You're important.  You are so important to this world.  Please reach out before you give in.  Because you're amazing.

Show me how big your brave is.

Brave

by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing
you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
you can be the outcast
or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
or you can start speaking up
nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
and they settle 'neath your skin
kept on the inside and no sunlight
sometimes a shadow wins
but I wonder what would happen if you

say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

everybody's been there
everybody's been stared down by the enemy
fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
bow down to the mighty
don't run
stop holding your tongue
maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live
maybe one of these days you can let the light in
show me how big your brave is

say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly I wanna see you be brave
with what you want to say
and let the words fall out
honestly I wanna see you be brave

innocence, your history of silence
won't do you any good
did you think it would?
let your words be anything but empty
why don't you tell them the truth?


say what you wanna say
and let the words fall out
honestly I wanna see you be brave
with what you want to say
and let the words fall out
honestly I wanna see you be brave

Music

As much as I love books, I also love music.  My dad is a jazz musician, so music has been a part of my life since before I took my first breath in this world.

I love a wide variety of music.  I'm not a huge fan of techno or country.  My world would be much better if I never heard another Sheryl Crow or Taylor Swift song.  But if you were to look at my iTunes library, you might be surprised at the diversity.  When I put my library on shuffle, it might go from a Stone Sour song, to an Incubus song, to a movement from Copland's Appalachian Spring, to a Reba McEntire (my ONE exception to the country music rule), to a Five Finger Death Punch song, then maybe something from a Broadway musical.

The thing that I love about music is its ability to speak to your soul.  Music can express emotion in ways that words never can.  And sometimes, when there are no words, music is where I turn.

I know there are a lot of things that are bothering me, things that I really haven't been dealing with.  The excuses are numerous.  The result of doing nothing is the same.  The first half of 2013 has really been filled with some difficult months.  As such, my iPod has gotten a lot of miles lately.  It makes my soul feel just a little bit better.

Inferno

I just finished reading Dan Brown's new novel, Inferno.  I am a big fan of his novels featuring Robert Langdon.  I find the symbology fascinating, and I have so much respect for someone as smart as Dan Brown, that he can create these intricate puzzles within the novel.

I really liked it.

In fact, I think that I'll add Dante's Inferno to my summer reading list.

I love books.  When I was a kid, my mom would take us to the library about every two weeks during the summer.  I would check out five books at a time.  I feel lucky that I love to read.  This is my summer reading list so far.  If you want to suggest any others, feel free to do so!

Inferno - Dan Brown
The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown
Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
Time for Andrew - Mary Downing Hahn
A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle
Inferno - Dante Alighieri
Darth Bane: Dynasty of Evil - Drew Karpyshyn
The Turn of the Screw - Henry James
The Aspern Papers - Henry James

I'm also thinking of re-reading A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin.  It's my favorite in the series.  And I've only read A Dance with Dragons (the fifth book in A Song of Ice and Fire) once, so I might look into that also.

Happy reading!

Taps

I live by a military base.  I'm close enough that I can hear it when they play the Star Spangled Banner at 5:00pm (if I happen to be home).  I'm also close enough that I can hear it when they play Taps at night.

And I heard it last night.

It was kind of eerie, kind of tear-jerking, especially considering that I had learned the night before that another Moho had taken his life.  And this was someone that I somewhat knew.  Well, I suppose it might be more fitting to say that I knew of him.  As soon as his name was mentioned, I could see a picture of his face.  I could remember things that I had read on his blog.  And I was shocked.

It pains me so much to know that he suffered in this way, so that he felt ending his life was the only hopeful option.  I was there once.  I stood on that ledge many nights, and many times a day.  I looked down into the abyss that was chewing on my soul and tearfully pondered if it would just be easier to let go, to give up, and to end the fight.  I know how that feels.  And I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

So I stood, outside, listening to Taps.  I shivered.  I thought of Grant.  I thought of Todd.  I thought of Stuart.  I thought of Kevin and Kareen and Ryan.  I thought of the countless lives and names that I do not know, people who were here and who mattered, but who have chosen to leave this world in the same way that Grant did.

I wish there was some way to make lives continue instead of anguish, and sorrow to end...instead of lives.

Peace be with you, my brother.

Leisure Time

I know I said I would keep blogging, and I meant it...and then last semester happened.  Those four classes pretty much kidnapped and manhandled all of my time.

So now it's summertime!

I'm still busy but I have time that I can devote to things I want.  Not that I don't want to work hard in school and be done...but it's a different kind of want.  It's a leisurely type.  And it's strangely unsettling at first.  But I'm getting used to it.

Rather than catching you up on my crazy semester, I'll just say that I've missed blogging here.  So I'm hoping to have some good summer posts forthcoming.

Cheers!

Define Marriage

I've seen many a post on a many a social network discussing propositions that will soon be voted upon.

Given the diverse groups of people I mingle with on these social networks, I've seen the extremes of both sides and the smattering of those in the middle.

I've seen the "let them have their rights, just don't call it marriage" posts.

I've seen the "my relationship is just as valid as yours" posts.

I've seen the "how does one marriage demean or lessen another marriage if they have nothing to do with each other" posts.

And for the most part, I just keep quiet.  I recognize that some people like to get into discussions or debates or dramatic conversations, depending on who you ask.  I am not one of those people.  That doesn't mean that I don't feel strongly about this issue, and that I don't have the urge to jump right in and start throwing verbal punches like everyone else, defending myself and people I consider my friends.

But I've really been thinking about this "define / redefine" marriage idea.

For one, I don't think you can define marriage in the simple terms of who it consists of.  You can put a man and a woman together and have them get married.  That doesn't mean they have a marriage.  They have a contract between them to stay together.  And they have all the rights and privileges that come as part of that contract.

But a marriage...well, I would say that a marriage is something more.

There are many elements that define a marriage.  Love.  Trust.  Companionship.  Sacrifice.  Respect.  Laughter.  Compromise.  A not-to-be-taken-lightly sort of undertaking.

To name a few.

Would any of those qualities be lacking in a same-sex marriage?

Well, I know a few same-sex couples who are married.  They exemplify these qualities and more, and have stronger marriages than some straight couples that I know.  And why is that?

I would say that the components of a marriage are the same, whether it's John and Jane that get married, Jane and Mary that get married, or John and Joe that get married.  If a couple enters into a marriage with the belief that it is a sacred union, with the intent to give themselves to each other whole-heartedly, with the understanding that they are committing to a life together, then the qualities that make a marriage will be there.  No one is trying to redefine that.

There are just some of us that would like the opportunity to have that commitment recognized and upheld in the same way as some of you other people out there.

Redefining who gets to have a marriage doesn't necessarily mean that we redefine marriage.  When taken seriously, marriage would stay the same.

For those of us who come from an LDS background, marriage is the ultimate gauge of adult success.  It's the top prize.  And we are taught to prepare for it, to seek it, and to protect it when it finally becomes yours.

I'm not trying to take that away from you.  I congratulate you on your temple marriage and your commitment to your lives together.  And I'm glad that you are happy.

What I don't understand though is how Mitchell and Brayden's marriage in any way makes your commitment to your spouse less of a commitment.  How does Ella and Sarah's marriage make your marriage weaker?  How does Michael and Dustin's marriage lessen the trust you have in your spouse, the love you have for your spouse, or the sense of companionship between you and your spouse?

Because if it does, I would argue that you don't have a marriage to begin with.  You have a contractual arrangement that might need a little work.

Oh, and of course, you still have the rights that come with marriage.  You don't have to worry about not being able to see your spouse if they happen to be seriously injured in a car accident.  You get to make any needed medical decisions in the event that your spouse is incapacitated.  And if they die, you get to access to their social security and life insurance.  If it was an accident that was their fault, your conversations can be protected through spousal privilege should any legal action happen.  You don't have to worry about any of that, which might be nice, since you're so worried about how Ella and Sarah's marriage makes yours less special.

Kind of a nice contract, yes?

Just my two cents.

Electoral Bookmark

This is not really a blogpost...yet.

This is me thinking "out loud," so to speak.

I was reading an article online about a woman in the Army who was killed in action.  She was legally married but her wife is not getting recognized as a legal spouse.

I was reading another article online about the upcoming election season and the four states that have marriage equality on the ballot.  The opponents of marriage equality are tossing around phrases like "you can be anti-marriage equality and not be anti-gay" and "everyone has the right to respect but no one has the right to redefine marriage."

And I've been thinking.

I don't live in a state that has marriage equality on the ballot.  If that day ever comes in my lifetime, I think I will probably expect the Second Coming of Jesus Christ to occur the very next day.

But I want to discuss marriage.  I want to discuss definitions.  I want to talk about why somebody had the right to define marriage in the first place, at least in terms of government, and why that definition is apparently set in stone.

See, up until recently, I've had a lot of people tell me who I am supposed to be and which path I'm supposed to follow and just what is politically good and right in this country and in this world.  And I think I'm pretty much over it.  So I know that nothing will come from what I think and what I write and what I put out there.  But I'm going to do it anyway...

...as soon as I formulate what I want to say.

Consider this a bookmark.  The rest of the chapter is still being written.

Inadequacies

Confidence is not one of my strengths.  I am the first person to doubt myself, the first to be surprised when things go well or I do a good job, and the first to underplay any sort of accomplishment I might actually acknowledge.  Ask anyone who knows me and they'll agree.

There are plenty of times when I almost talk myself out of doing something because I'm afraid, or because I think I'm not up to the task, not good enough for the task, or even because I'm afraid I might actually do well.  Is that crazy?  I get afraid that I'll succeed.

I've been noticing this a lot with school lately.  I am a double major in Accounting and Aviation Management.  I would love to fly, but it's not possible right now.  Have you ever looked into flying lessons?  That stuff is EXPENSIVE, not to mention that tuition is expensive enough.  But I love airplanes.  I love looking up in the sky and watching an airplane carve out a path, wondering where it's coming from and where it's going.  I love the sounds.  I love the sights.  I love being on a airplane.  And I really really really want to be a part of that industry, in whatever way I can.

So when I go to my aviation classes, they're really difficult.  And here's why: the flight operation majors outnumber the management majors.  From what I can tell, the majority of aviation students are flight ops majors.  Duh.  Flying is awesome.  But that also means that most of my aviation classes are geared towards the student with flight knowledge.  For those of us who have none of that flying experience stuff, it gets a little tricky.  And for me, I get discouraged.

I discovered that I enjoy and have a knack for accounting.  So I added that major last year.  I thought about changing my major to Accounting and making Aviation Management my minor, but I really want to take those classes and learn more, even though it's difficult.  Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  But then this little determined part of me speaks up and says, "no way is anyone going to tell me I can't do what I want to do."

No, I don't do well with the confidence, but when I find that determined part of me, I go with it.  Don't question it when it shows up.

I've also been trying to get more involved at campus.  I'm a senior this year but I've got just about two years left before I graduate (hurray for class of 2014!).  At my school, networking and perfecting your resume are things I hear about almost daily.  So I'm looking to build my resume and find opportunities to network with professionals (and if you are such a professional, wanna be part of my network?).

But again, I get scared.

So yesterday, when I was on campus and waiting for the time to head over to the Alumni House for a meeting, and planning to attend a meeting in the student union building right after that, I was trying to encourage myself rather than let my insecurities talk me out of doing things that will help me later.  And yes, as I'm sitting in my car, the thought came to me more than once that "maybe I won't go."

As part of me trying to psych myself up, I took to Twitter...because social networking can be surprisingly supportive.  And here's what I said:

"Sometimes I just want to stay in my own little world.  But I know there's a bigger world out there.  And if I keep myself from it, I could be stopping myself from doing something awesome.  So I make myself get out there and interact.  Not easy.  But I can make it happen."

Just as people make a difference in your life, you have the opportunity to go out there and make a difference to someone else.  If you hide from that, you might be hiding from someone who really needs you to be there for them in some form or another.  Where would I be without the people who got out of bed in the morning and put themselves out there, not knowing that they would make a difference in my life?  Well...I don't know, but I'd rather not think about it.

Sure, I have days where I feel like nothing I do matters, and that I can't make a mark on this big old world, and I don't have what it takes to do something amazing.  But every now and then, I have that determined moment, where I grit my teeth and believe that I can do something great, I can be someone great, and I can be more than I think I can.

I have greatness inside of me.  So do you.

Crushes Through The Years

So when I started this blog, I was an angsty LDS kid who was scared of what was going on in my life. I'm not in that place anymore.  I've noticed that when a Moho blogger moves beyond that unsettled place, a lot of us stop blogging.

I'm not going to stop blogging.  I may not blog as much, but I'm not going to stop.  If nothing else, I'd like to prove that there's light at the end of the tunnel, and even more than that, life on the other side.

This post is one I've been thinking about for awhile.  When I look back on my life, there are things that make me wonder, "how did I not know?"  I've consistently had this thing for a strong, confident woman.  Something about that pulls me in.  I didn't always think about it in terms of a crush, or an attraction, but as I look back I can definitely see there was some sort of attraction there.  I guess before I came out, I thought of it as a fascination.  For example...

1st crush:
Nancy Travis as Sylvia Bennington in 3 Men and a Little Lady (1990)

I thought she was beautiful.  At the time, I was seven years old.  But I found this character fascinating.

She was strong, she was confident, but there was also something absolutely vulnerable about her.  And let's be honest, an English accent is just sexy, even if it's just part of the character and not real.

And I completely forgot about her until 3 Men and a Little Lady was on the movie channel about a month ago.  We used to watch this movie all the time.  I love it!

I remember being over at a friends house and we were playing some sort of made up game.  I wanted my name to be Sylvia, after her.




2nd crush:
Jane Seymour as Dr. Michaela Quinn in Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-1998)

The first time I watched Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, I think it was New Year's Eve, probably in 1993.  I was ten.  I immediately fell in love with this show.  I liked the ruggedness of the setting, I liked that story, and I especially liked the leading lady.

Let's not lie about it, Jane Seymour is beautiful.  Have you seen photos of her recently?  I swear, this woman doesn't age.  She is just as beautiful as she was then.  And even more intriguing is that her eyes are different colors.

I think I bought one of those Women's Housekeeping or whatever magazines, just because she was on the cover.



3rd crush:
Lucy Lawless as Xena in Xena Warrior Princess (1995-2001)

What was that I mentioned, about a strong woman?  If there ever was one, to me it is Xena.

Also helping was that I was really into Greek Mythology at the time, so the show was a great fix for that.

She wears leather, she's a dark-haired beauty, she can take on any warlord sort that comes at her.

Xena was broadcast on Sundays, after Hercules.  When it was on during church, you better believe I recorded it on good old VHS so I didn't miss an episode.  Gabrielle was a nice addition too, and only later did I discover all the lesbian speculation surrounding the two of them.  Nice twist.



4th crush:
Kate Mulgrew as Captain Kathryn Janeway in Star Trek: Voyager (1995-2001)

I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation as a kid.  I was captivated by space, wanting to be an astronaut and still being the biggest Star Wars fan you'll probably ever meet.  So when I read in the TV Guide about a new Star Trek series that had a woman as captain, I was all in.

Captain Janeway kind of had the same things going for her that Sylvia Bennington did.  Strong, no-nonsense, take charge.  And yet, when she let her guard down in a moment of vulnerability, she was never more attractive.

This was also one of those shows I would record on VHS.  Loved it.




5th crush:
Maureen McGovern, as herself, singer (probably 2002ish)

This one is actually a real person, and not a fictional character.

We've listened to Maureen McGovern's music since I was just a little kid.  My dad is a musician and when she comes to town, he often gets called to play with her.  I think she came to the Salt Lake City Jazz Festival one year and I wanted to meet her so badly!

Wish granted.

She's got an amazing voice and seems like an even more amazing person.  I went through a little phase with her.  Now I still enjoy her music, but the crush has ebbed.



6th crush:
Mariska Hargitay as herself, and as Olivia Benson on Law and Order: SVU (1999-present)

If I could type out what a whistle sounds like, I would type it right here.

Of course I love her character on SVU.  What a great character!  Very approachable, wants to help people, and absolutely gorgeous to boot.

Off the set, she seems pretty much the same way, but I think she's more humorous than Olivia Benson.  Mariska has done great things for survivors of sexual abuse.  She genuinely seems like a wonderful person.  She's very classy, which is something I find very attractive.

If ever I met her in person, I would probably melt.



6th crush:
Rihanna as herself, singer (2007)

I credit Rihanna as the crush that really pushed me into the awareness that I was, in fact, gay.  If you've ever seen a Rihanna music video, I think you know what I mean.

I had just come out to myself and was all sorts of freaked out about it.  Rihanna was proof that I wasn't making it up.

Wow.  That's all I've got for you on this.  Just wow.

Her music is good too, which is a bonus.  She can sing to me any time she wants to.






7th crush:
Kate Beckinsale as herself and pretty much any character she plays (especially in Underworld and Van Helsing)

So now that I'm aware I'm gay, I have to have that staple celebrity crush, right?  Look no further.

I kind of have a thing for that dark-haired beauty type.  When it comes to that, Kate is right at the top of that list.  As mentioned in the heading, I love her in Underworld.  I love her even more in Van Helsing.

In a nutshell, she's my Mary Poppins...practically perfect in every way.

8th crush:
Abby Wambach as herself, undeniable soccer queen of my universe

Abby gets center stage because she's my current crush.  I don't think I can even explain how much I love this woman.  I've only recently been watching the US Women's National Team (USWNT), since the 2011 Women's World Cup.  I rediscovered soccer in 2010 and since then, the USWNT has been a big part of my fandom life.  I saw them when they played their Olympic send off match against Canada in Utah.  I don't know what it is about Abby, but I freaking love her.  From her Twitter account and from rumor, which I'm shamelessly continuing, she even plays for my team, which leads me to feel an even greater connection to her.  What a woman.  Athletic, smart, funny, super cute.  My girlfriend teases me that she's been replaced, and Abby is my girlfriend.  A girl can dream.

So there you have it.  Embrace who you are.  These women have helped me do just that.

(Sorry for the gaps, but with the pictures it was kind of hard to format the way I wanted.)

Elder Holland

A couple weeks ago, Elder Holland came into the restaurant where I work.  It was a slow weekday.  He was with his wife and another couple.  I didn't recognize them, but I don't keep up on the new callings like I once did.

I posted about this in one of the groups I'm in on Facebook, but I thought it might be a good topic to blog about for a minute or two.

They were sitting at a table that was in the section next to mine.  I had to walk by quite frequently.  I found myself being rather caught up in strong emotion, which was surprising to me.  Of course, there was absolutely no one at work who could appreciate that this was kind of a big deal.

But here's why it's a big deal: when I was active and listening to General Conference every six months, Elder Holland was probably my favorite apostle.  I always looked forward to his talks.  I found him to be comforting to me.  I perceive him to be quite compassionate.  As someone who always felt misunderstood when it came to Church and my ward especially, a little compassion from someone who represented the Church was something I greatly desired.  I could feel just a little bit of that sentiment when I listened to Elder Holland speak.

And here he was, two feet away from me.

I wanted to interrupt their dinner.  It felt like I had a million questions I could ask him.  "Have you ever seen Jesus Christ?  Would you say that you know Him?  Do you think He loves me?  If there is a place for me in His heart, why isn't there a place for me in His Church?"  And on and on and on.  I wanted to be reassured from someone that I had once trusted so implicitly.  I wanted him to offer me just a shred of that compassion, to help me feel some sort of healing in regards to how hurt I've been by the Church in general and the actions of some of its members.

Could he really be as compassionate as I have always hoped he is?

Could he really look at me and offer me...something?  Is there really anything he could have said that would make me feel better?

Even though I don't like to admit it, I still feel hurt.  I like to act like I'm over it.  I like to act like it's not important.  But how could something that was such a huge part of my life for so long not be important? It's still a shadow that looms over me.  It's still a thread that weaves itself through my relationships with my family.  My patchwork quilt of faith still carries pieces of the doctrine I was raised on.  And I really don't think it will ever go away.

Which leads me to wonder if the pain will ever completely go away.

And I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

Day 30: Equality

Before my ex-husband and I got engaged, we dated for about five months.  Then we were engaged for about the same amount of time before we were married.  Then we were married for a year and a half before we separated.  Then four months later, we were officially divorced.

I don't count the four months of separation as part of the time we were together.  After all, as is implied, we were separated.  I was with him for two years and four months, give or take a few days.

Next month, my girlfriend and I will celebrate our three year anniversary.  This means that we've been together longer than I was with my ex-husband.

This is by far the most meaningful relationship I've ever been a part of.  I didn't date much in high school, having been a "good girl" and waited until I was sixteen to even have my first kiss.  I can count on one hand the number of guys I dated.  One, two, three, four...and the fourth one I married.  My girlfriend and I have more care and concern for each other than was ever present in my other relationships.  We laugh more.  We have more in common.  We also have more that is opposite, which in our relationship means that we complement each other better.  We can sit with each other in complete silence and be absolutely happy, just because we're with each other.

She's absolutely amazing.  She's my Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way.  I can't imagine life without her.  But it isn't enough.

Not enough for lawmakers.  Not enough for religious leaders.  Not enough for conservative Christians. Not enough for my family.

I sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall and watch what goes on in the relationships that my family has (g-rated, of course).  I wonder how much we have in common, when it comes to interaction and emotion with the people we love most.

I bet it's more than they think it is...or more than they would admit.

And I get it.  I don't like it, but I get it.  To have to admit that my relationship with my girlfriend is just as important to me as my sister's relationship with her husband is to her would be incredibly difficult for my sister (either one).  Because then we're equal.  The way I love is just as important as the way she loves.  And that's not how it's "supposed" to be.  That's not what we were taught.  That's not what we continue to be taught.

My sister says she wants to spend time with me, can I please come alone and not bring my girlfriend?  But when I get there, I'm with her...and her husband and her children.  Apparently, that's not infringing on our time together.  What's the difference?  Why is my girlfriend less family than my brother-in-law, nieces, nephews...?

One day at a time, I know.  Patience is a virtue, I know.  Good things come to those who wait, I know I know I know.  And to say it hasn't gotten any better would be a complete and total lie.  It has.

So here we are, three years later.  The fight for equality will surely be a political point in this election year.  And we'll continue to fight on whatever front presents itself, whether that be in D.C., or in state legislation, or upon the doorsteps of family gatherings.

I am equal.  My relationship is important.  My girlfriend is practically perfect in every way.  And we have to fight for our love to be recognized.  But it's worth it.  Because I love her.

Day 29: Watermelon Memories

We have a new watermelon margarita at work. I haven't tried it. But because we have this new drink, we also have watermelon in the restaurant. We use a slice of it to garnish the rita.

If you've never worked in a restaurant, let me introduce you to a simple truth: servers like to snitch garnishes.

The first time we got to eat watermelon, it reminded me of summers as a child. I have this memory from when we lived in the Salt Lake area, when our family and a few other families were having a neighborhood barbecue. There was a house a few doors down that was still under construction. Some of us neighbor kids took our watermelon slices and played between the beams of this skeleton house. I'm sure the people building the house weren't excited about the watermelon seeds the next day.

I think about the time we spent in that neighborhood with quite a lot of fondness. I remember feeling happy and safe there. Summertime thrived on watermelon, popsicles, bare feet, and the hope that if the ice cream truck came around, dad would buy us a treat.

I wasn't expecting those memories to return to me when I bit into that watermelon. But it's nice to have them back again. It's a bit of happiness in an adult summer, filled with responsibilities, and a reminder of carefree simplicity to that kid who still lives inside of me.

Day 28: The Things You Learn About Yourself

There are some situations where you don't know how you will be until you're actually in that situation.  Sure, you can imagine what you would do, you can try to set up a plan so that you're better prepared.  But sometimes you don't find out what you would do until you're actually doing it.

This applies to all sorts of situations.  Certainly, the ones that immediately come to mind are situations of a serious nature--some sort of emergency or the high stress type.  Maybe the type where you have to assert yourself and stand up against something you think isn't quite right.

But it's also true of small things.

For example, I am much more domestic than I thought I would be.

This has been kind of a revelation of sorts to me, because I just flat out thought that this wouldn't be the case.

We got our own apartment at the beginning of the year.  This is not the first time I've lived "on my own," having been married and divorced and having lived with a friend for four years.  I really enjoy having a space that is mine.  And I really enjoy having a space that I share with my girlfriend.  We've made this little space ours, and we're comfortable here for the most part.  We could stand to have different neighbors, but who in an apartment building doesn't think that at one point or another?

When I lived with my ex-husband, I was the one working.  I had two jobs.  He went to school and had a very part time job during the summers.  So he stayed home and took care of the house.  He did the laundry.  And I brought home the paychecks.  Kind of a role reversal in the typical Mormon household, but that's how it was.

When I lived with my friend, we just did our own thing.  She insisted on doing most of the cleaning, being somewhat of an OCD sort when it comes to germs (she's a nurse), and I just tried to get through the days and the nights.  Not the brightest of times for me in terms of mental health.

But now, living with my girlfriend, whom I plan to live with until the end of all my days, I'm finding that I've kind of got a bit of housewife in me after all.

We divide up the chores.  I hate laundry and vacuuming, but fortunately for me, my girlfriend insists on doing the laundry and doesn't mind the vacuuming.  She hates dishes and cleaning the bathroom, and I'll volunteer to do those chores over vacuuming any day.  It works out pretty well.

But I also do most of the cooking.  I make breakfast.  I make dinner, on the rare occasion that we're home in the evening.  I write the shopping lists and plan out the meals.  Which is really nothing new to me.  My mom was the Stay At Home Mom, and we helped her cook quite a bit.  Not always willingly, but my mom made sure that we could plan a meal, follow a recipe, and know our way around the kitchen.  I don't mind cooking, now that I'm not entirely forced to participate.  It just somewhat surprises me how much I don't mind it.

It's not always fancy, but it's definitely edible.  Simple is good.  My girlfriend says I make the best eggs and toast around.  I'm glad she thinks so.

Day 27: Little Bird

We live on the third floor of an apartment building.  There is no one above us.  And currently, on our balcony, is a little bird.

He's been sitting there since yesterday.  He kind of looks like a sparrow, but I'm not sure.

He can walk.  He's been pacing.  Other birds come by from time to time and it looked like one was trying to feed it, but I'm not sure.  He can move his wings but it doesn't seem like he can fly.  If he could, I think he would have flown away by now.

I feel badly and worried for this little bird.  He sits and he watches.  Sometimes it seems like he's crouching.  Below us there is grass and a courtyard and above us there is only a little bit of roof, and then nothing but sky.  Birds were meant to fly.  But here he sits, just beyond the glass, just below the railing, bring to stay out of the sun.

We know that if we try to help him, it will probably only hurt him.  So we're just watching through the door, hoping that if he is hurt, he will heal soon.