Pride this year was so much better than last year and I loved every second of it! If you have never been to Pride, next year you should go with me.
Here's a few significant moments:
** The very best thing ever was that I was there with my beautiful girlfriend and we could actually hold hands and act like a couple without any fear!
** The sunshine was out instead of hiding behind massive rainclouds, and I was not soaked to the bone.
** I remembered sunscreen and didn't get sunburned (which is really quite a feat for me and my fair skin).
** I got to dress how I wanted, spike my hair, and sport a bandana.
** I got to spend all day with great friends and wonderful people in a safe and accepting, supportive environment.
** We saw from afar and had a very brief encounter with my girlfriend's ex-wife, which was interesting to say the least. Good or bad? Probably neither, but definitely memorable.
** I saw three of my favorite boys, Michael, Brandon, and Michael, and they got to meet my girl. LOVE them!
All in all, it was just as wonderful as I hoped it would be. It was awesome to actually be free. It was beautiful to feel free. And hopefully I can get the pics I took uploaded to my computer soon.
Hope your Pride weekend was good for you too, no matter where you are.
(million dollar phone approved)
09 June 2010
08 June 2010
Weird
Today in my Geography class, we discussed the layers of the Earth. I have heard this before on someone else's blog, but I now have firsthand knowledge of the Mohorovicic Discontinuity, shortened to the Moho Discontinuity.
And it's really weird to hear the word "Moho" from your college professor and know the conversation has nothing to do with religion or sexual orientation.
I wonder if anyone else in the class knew of the "other" kind of Moho.
Can't wait to see it on a test!
And it's really weird to hear the word "Moho" from your college professor and know the conversation has nothing to do with religion or sexual orientation.
I wonder if anyone else in the class knew of the "other" kind of Moho.
Can't wait to see it on a test!
03 June 2010
How I Do Pride
Pride is this weekend and I am so excited! Last year was my first Pride and it managed to be both great and miserable a the same time. I was only out to about four people. It was an amazing experience to be in an environment where it was 110% acceptable to be loud and proud about who you are. At the same time, I felt sadness about not being more out. And I vowed that never again would I be in the closet for Pride. I made it a personal goal to make great strides before June 2010.
Mission accomplished! I have a short haircut, a girlfriend, and a rainbow belt, all of which will proudly be accompanying me to Pride. I will also have my amazing friends, who love and support me in being who I am. I'm out at work and to my immediate family, which really is the majority of my social circle. That's really quite a feat for one as introverted as me.
I'll be there Sunday. Will I see you there?
-- blogged from my iPhone --
Mission accomplished! I have a short haircut, a girlfriend, and a rainbow belt, all of which will proudly be accompanying me to Pride. I will also have my amazing friends, who love and support me in being who I am. I'm out at work and to my immediate family, which really is the majority of my social circle. That's really quite a feat for one as introverted as me.
I'll be there Sunday. Will I see you there?
-- blogged from my iPhone --
25 May 2010
Bravery
Last week I pretty much cut all my hair off. Well okay, I didn't cut it, a trained professional did, but it's cut nonetheless. It used to be down to about the middle of my back. Now it's more the length of Ellen's, to use an example you might relate to.
The thing that has surprised me most about the comments I've received is that I am "so brave."
So I looked up "brave" in the dictionary and it means "showing courage." And "courage" is "the ability to conquer fear or despair."
Brave?
I didn't feel any fear about cutting my hair. My only despair was that I couldn't get it chopped sooner than I did. It was something I wanted to do and something I was ready to do. I'm not super girlie (shocking, I know), so I'm not really attached to my hair. My philosophy is that it will grow back. No worries. But I know other girls who would rather lose a limb than their hair.
It got me thinking. I guess BRAVE is like good, evil, fun, and boring: it's a point of view.
From my perspective, what I did was not brave. I hadn't considered a haircut from any other angle. From someone else's perspective, they can't imagine doing what I did.
So then I started thinking on a larger scale. Regardless of where you're standing in your life, I say there's a certain amount of bravery in every life. Sometimes it takes courage to cut off your hair. Sometimes it takes courage to take a job interview. Sometimes it takes courage to be who you are. Sometimes it takes courage to get out of bed in the morning.
Just because it's easy and requires little courage for me doesn't mean it's easy for someone else.
So here's to you, whoever you are, because I know you are brave and strong. You are courageous because you live.
The thing that has surprised me most about the comments I've received is that I am "so brave."
So I looked up "brave" in the dictionary and it means "showing courage." And "courage" is "the ability to conquer fear or despair."
Brave?
I didn't feel any fear about cutting my hair. My only despair was that I couldn't get it chopped sooner than I did. It was something I wanted to do and something I was ready to do. I'm not super girlie (shocking, I know), so I'm not really attached to my hair. My philosophy is that it will grow back. No worries. But I know other girls who would rather lose a limb than their hair.
It got me thinking. I guess BRAVE is like good, evil, fun, and boring: it's a point of view.
From my perspective, what I did was not brave. I hadn't considered a haircut from any other angle. From someone else's perspective, they can't imagine doing what I did.
So then I started thinking on a larger scale. Regardless of where you're standing in your life, I say there's a certain amount of bravery in every life. Sometimes it takes courage to cut off your hair. Sometimes it takes courage to take a job interview. Sometimes it takes courage to be who you are. Sometimes it takes courage to get out of bed in the morning.
Just because it's easy and requires little courage for me doesn't mean it's easy for someone else.
So here's to you, whoever you are, because I know you are brave and strong. You are courageous because you live.
23 May 2010
Will and Grace
I used to watch Will and Grace when it was new on TV. It was part of the Thursday night lineup with Friends and ER. Best night on television. And I loved it.
When I was at my sister's house a couple weeks ago, I watched a re-run. And I just about died laughing.
Will and Grace is a completely different show after coming out and hanging out in the LGBT community! I get the jokes now and I just giggled pretty much the entire time.
I'm going to look into getting the seasons on DVD now. Heaven knows we all need a good laugh.
When I was at my sister's house a couple weeks ago, I watched a re-run. And I just about died laughing.
Will and Grace is a completely different show after coming out and hanging out in the LGBT community! I get the jokes now and I just giggled pretty much the entire time.
I'm going to look into getting the seasons on DVD now. Heaven knows we all need a good laugh.
08 May 2010
Intertwined
There was an accident on Thursday night.
My girlfriend and I were watching a movie. She lives next to the train tracks. When I looked out the window to see what was making the noise I was hearing, I saw a FrontRunner train. Stopped. That was weird in and of itself, but we assumed that there was something malfunctioning with the train or that there was something amiss with the tracks and went back to watching the movie.
Then it sounded like a helicopter was going to land on the house. I looked out the window again. The cul-de-sac was alive like a firework display of red and blue flashing lights and all the neighbors were out of their houses. Firefighters, EMT's, and police officers were carrying a rescue gurney down the tracks to the Union Pacific gate that is a few hundred yards from the driveway. The helicopter that I heard was Life Flight landing in the next cul-de-sac over.
We stood on the porch and watched the scene, anxious and curious. Life Flight didn't see the cul-de-sac where my girlfriend's house is, and while there isn't a large distance between where it landed and the railroad tracks as the crow flies, to walk that distance, especially while carrying the weight of another human being, is another story. Shortly after the gurney was out of our sight, an EMT came racing back, pleading for the use of a truck parked on the street.
Turns out that a young man had jumped from the bridge onto the tracks in an attempt to commit suicide. He was coherant and talking to officials as they reached him and carried him, but shortly after they were on the street, his blood pressure dropped and his vitals became unstable. I imagine that's about the time the EMT went searching for the owner of the truck.
The damage was done though. Despite the heroic efforts of emergency crews, he didn't make it.
I don't know any more about the story than what I witnessed. I don't know his name. I don't know for sure how old he was, as one official said 18 and another said 20. I don't know how long he laid on the tracks, if he felt any physical pain, how many siblings he had. The only thing I know about his life was that he didn't want to live it anymore.
To be so young and to be so hopeless, so desperate to end the pain you feel...that is tragedy to me. What makes it especially heightened is that I have been there myself, desperate and hopeless, and I know those emotions do not have to last.
I have thought about him a lot. I have wondered about who he was. I have prayed that his family can be comforted as they ask their own questions and try to manage the grief that comes when a loved one leaves this life. I have prayed for his safety and comfort as well, and hope that he can feel of the impact his life has had and the love that exists for him. I pray that the Spirit of God will grant him the peace that he could not find, and that it will be with him now and forever.
This incident has also brought to mind one of John Donne's writings, Meditation 17. I have posted it in its entirety, but particularly the paragraph where he says:
"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
For the rest of the night, as FrontRunner trains would pass, the sound of their bells could be heard. I'm sure it was a potential warning to anyone who could still be in the area investigating. It seemed fitting in some way, some small mention that something had happened, and that mankind was the less that night, and from that night forward.
Again, I resound my plea, that if you are at the point where this young man was, desperate and hopeless, and you are done with living the life that you have, please please please just wait a minute longer, ten minutes longer, an hour longer, a day longer. There is beauty in this life. There is joy in this life. There are small things that matter a great deal and there are people who love and care about you more than you can believe or imagine. You have the strength to grow from the pain. You have the courage to take another breath, and another, and another, and let your heart keep beating. I know you do. Just pause...for a moment...and find it within yourself. Take my word for it if you don't believe in the power you have.
The pain I feel surrounding this young man's death cannot compare to the pain of those who knew him, those he left behind. But it's a pain I feel. He had no way of knowing that his life would touch mine, however briefly, and that he would forever imprint my memory. We are all connected. Our lives are intertwined.
This world would be the less without you.
My girlfriend and I were watching a movie. She lives next to the train tracks. When I looked out the window to see what was making the noise I was hearing, I saw a FrontRunner train. Stopped. That was weird in and of itself, but we assumed that there was something malfunctioning with the train or that there was something amiss with the tracks and went back to watching the movie.
Then it sounded like a helicopter was going to land on the house. I looked out the window again. The cul-de-sac was alive like a firework display of red and blue flashing lights and all the neighbors were out of their houses. Firefighters, EMT's, and police officers were carrying a rescue gurney down the tracks to the Union Pacific gate that is a few hundred yards from the driveway. The helicopter that I heard was Life Flight landing in the next cul-de-sac over.
We stood on the porch and watched the scene, anxious and curious. Life Flight didn't see the cul-de-sac where my girlfriend's house is, and while there isn't a large distance between where it landed and the railroad tracks as the crow flies, to walk that distance, especially while carrying the weight of another human being, is another story. Shortly after the gurney was out of our sight, an EMT came racing back, pleading for the use of a truck parked on the street.
Turns out that a young man had jumped from the bridge onto the tracks in an attempt to commit suicide. He was coherant and talking to officials as they reached him and carried him, but shortly after they were on the street, his blood pressure dropped and his vitals became unstable. I imagine that's about the time the EMT went searching for the owner of the truck.
The damage was done though. Despite the heroic efforts of emergency crews, he didn't make it.
I don't know any more about the story than what I witnessed. I don't know his name. I don't know for sure how old he was, as one official said 18 and another said 20. I don't know how long he laid on the tracks, if he felt any physical pain, how many siblings he had. The only thing I know about his life was that he didn't want to live it anymore.
To be so young and to be so hopeless, so desperate to end the pain you feel...that is tragedy to me. What makes it especially heightened is that I have been there myself, desperate and hopeless, and I know those emotions do not have to last.
I have thought about him a lot. I have wondered about who he was. I have prayed that his family can be comforted as they ask their own questions and try to manage the grief that comes when a loved one leaves this life. I have prayed for his safety and comfort as well, and hope that he can feel of the impact his life has had and the love that exists for him. I pray that the Spirit of God will grant him the peace that he could not find, and that it will be with him now and forever.
This incident has also brought to mind one of John Donne's writings, Meditation 17. I have posted it in its entirety, but particularly the paragraph where he says:
"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
For the rest of the night, as FrontRunner trains would pass, the sound of their bells could be heard. I'm sure it was a potential warning to anyone who could still be in the area investigating. It seemed fitting in some way, some small mention that something had happened, and that mankind was the less that night, and from that night forward.
Again, I resound my plea, that if you are at the point where this young man was, desperate and hopeless, and you are done with living the life that you have, please please please just wait a minute longer, ten minutes longer, an hour longer, a day longer. There is beauty in this life. There is joy in this life. There are small things that matter a great deal and there are people who love and care about you more than you can believe or imagine. You have the strength to grow from the pain. You have the courage to take another breath, and another, and another, and let your heart keep beating. I know you do. Just pause...for a moment...and find it within yourself. Take my word for it if you don't believe in the power you have.
The pain I feel surrounding this young man's death cannot compare to the pain of those who knew him, those he left behind. But it's a pain I feel. He had no way of knowing that his life would touch mine, however briefly, and that he would forever imprint my memory. We are all connected. Our lives are intertwined.
This world would be the less without you.
John Donne's Meditation 17
MEDITATION XVII
(From Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions)
NUNC LENTO SONITU DICUNT, MORIERIS.
Now this bell tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die.
PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill as that he knows not it tolls for him. And perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that. The church is catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does, belongs to all. When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that head which is my head too, and ingraffed into that body, whereof I am a member. And when she buries a man, that action concerns me; all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again, for that library where every book shall lie open to one another; as therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come; so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness.
There was a contention as far as a suit (in which, piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled) which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined, that they should ring first that rose earliest. If we understand aright the dignity of this bell, that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours, by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his, whose indeed it is. The bell doth toll for him, that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute, that that occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God. Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? But who takes off his eye from a comet, when that breaks out? who bends not his ear to any bell, which upon any occasion rings? But who can remove it from that bell, which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
Neither can we call this a begging of misery, or a borrowing of misery, as though we were not miserable enough of ourselves, but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbors. Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did; for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it. No man hath afflicion enough, that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction. If a man carry treasure in bullion or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current moneys, his treasure will not defray him as he travels. Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it. Another may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels, as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him; but this bell that tells me of his affliction, digs out, and applies that gold to me: if by this consideration of another's danger, I take mine own into contemplation, and so secure myself, by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source:
Donne, John. The Works of John Donne. vol III.
Henry Alford, ed.
London: John W. Parker, 1839. 574-5.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(From Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions)
NUNC LENTO SONITU DICUNT, MORIERIS.
Now this bell tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die.
PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill as that he knows not it tolls for him. And perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that. The church is catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does, belongs to all. When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that head which is my head too, and ingraffed into that body, whereof I am a member. And when she buries a man, that action concerns me; all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again, for that library where every book shall lie open to one another; as therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come; so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness.
There was a contention as far as a suit (in which, piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled) which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined, that they should ring first that rose earliest. If we understand aright the dignity of this bell, that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours, by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his, whose indeed it is. The bell doth toll for him, that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute, that that occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God. Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? But who takes off his eye from a comet, when that breaks out? who bends not his ear to any bell, which upon any occasion rings? But who can remove it from that bell, which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
Neither can we call this a begging of misery, or a borrowing of misery, as though we were not miserable enough of ourselves, but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbors. Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did; for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it. No man hath afflicion enough, that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction. If a man carry treasure in bullion or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current moneys, his treasure will not defray him as he travels. Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it. Another may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels, as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him; but this bell that tells me of his affliction, digs out, and applies that gold to me: if by this consideration of another's danger, I take mine own into contemplation, and so secure myself, by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source:
Donne, John. The Works of John Donne. vol III.
Henry Alford, ed.
London: John W. Parker, 1839. 574-5.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 April 2010
I Stand
I thought I would share one of the family pictures that was taken this last winter. With things I've recently read and watched and thought about, things pertaining to gay marriage, I find this particularly relevant, because I stand alone.
I didn't plan on being gay. It wasn't on my list of things to be when I grew up. I didn't choose it. I didn't decide it would be easier for me. I'll say it again: I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE GAY.
I didn't choose to be Mormon. That is the life I was born into. That is how I was raised. That is what I was taught was truth. That is what I was told would be my pathway to happiness, both in this life and throughout the eternities.
I do not think I can be both.
If I decide to live the Mormon life instead of the Gay life, the family portrait for me will remain unchanged. I will be alone and stand alone in all of them. My sisters families will continue to grow. My parents will undoubtedly glow with the joy of watching their family tree grow. And I will continue to stand alone. By LDS standards, it's almost the perfect family, because it looks almost exactly how it is supposed to. And even if there is not a man by my side and children at my feet, at least I am protecting my eternal salvation.
But what about my heart?
I believe that love is honest. I believe love has no boundaries. The law and the religions of the world can try to contain it and tell you how it is supposed to look and what it feels like and how it is to be directed, but love doesn't abide by the same rules that society requires. I believe love is a sweet miracle that could only be given to us from a loving God. I believe love is good. I believe I have been given the chance to love and to be loved. And because I have love in my life, no matter what anyone else tries to tell me, I will stand for something and I will be exactly where I need to be.
And even if my girlfriend is never included in a family picture, she's my family. She means more to me than my ex-husband ever did, because I honestly love her, and I love her for good, honest reasons. A man at my side and children at my feet might look good, but for me it would be a big lie, because I'm not that person. I've already lived that lie and I won't be that dishonest again.
I did not choose to be gay. I do not want to be misunderstood and judged and talked down to and compared to crimes that are morally unfathomable to me. Whether you believe me or not, I can only live the life I was born to live. I was born to be the person I am, perhaps if for no other reason than to fight for tolerance and to give someone else the opportunity to stand up and accept me as Christ does.
I didn't choose to be Mormon. That is the life I was born into. That is how I was raised. That is what I was taught was truth. That is what I was told would be my pathway to happiness, both in this life and throughout the eternities.
I do not think I can be both.
If I decide to live the Mormon life instead of the Gay life, the family portrait for me will remain unchanged. I will be alone and stand alone in all of them. My sisters families will continue to grow. My parents will undoubtedly glow with the joy of watching their family tree grow. And I will continue to stand alone. By LDS standards, it's almost the perfect family, because it looks almost exactly how it is supposed to. And even if there is not a man by my side and children at my feet, at least I am protecting my eternal salvation.
But what about my heart?
I believe that love is honest. I believe love has no boundaries. The law and the religions of the world can try to contain it and tell you how it is supposed to look and what it feels like and how it is to be directed, but love doesn't abide by the same rules that society requires. I believe love is a sweet miracle that could only be given to us from a loving God. I believe love is good. I believe I have been given the chance to love and to be loved. And because I have love in my life, no matter what anyone else tries to tell me, I will stand for something and I will be exactly where I need to be.
And even if my girlfriend is never included in a family picture, she's my family. She means more to me than my ex-husband ever did, because I honestly love her, and I love her for good, honest reasons. A man at my side and children at my feet might look good, but for me it would be a big lie, because I'm not that person. I've already lived that lie and I won't be that dishonest again.
I did not choose to be gay. I do not want to be misunderstood and judged and talked down to and compared to crimes that are morally unfathomable to me. Whether you believe me or not, I can only live the life I was born to live. I was born to be the person I am, perhaps if for no other reason than to fight for tolerance and to give someone else the opportunity to stand up and accept me as Christ does.
16 April 2010
Causality
I've been pondering all sorts of things lately, mostly when the day is over and I'm trying unsuccessfully to sleep. Perhaps if anyone out there can put their own spin on my wonderings, it will help me either put my mind at ease or formulate a response I can live with.
For whatever reason, I've been thinking about my history as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Maybe it's because I've been re-watching some of my favorite video blogs on YouTube and I wonder about what I would say if someone asked me about where I've been and what I've been through as a person who is both gay and Mormon.
As of this moment, sitting at my computer and typing these words, I am not an active member. I don't pursue any sort of affiliation with the LDS Church and I make no excuses about that fact. I try to live by my own morals and my own values and instead pursue a life I can feel comfortable with as I listen to my own conscience, which I believe to be given to me and influenced by a loving God and His Spirit.
Being a gay Mormon is a really interesting experience in my opinion. Across the blogging world you can read about the different types of gay Mormons, and really the thing that puts us into different categories is the level of activity we choose to have with the Church as a whole. There are some who are completely dedicated to "overcoming the temptations of same-gender attraction" and remaining faithful members. There are some who get excommunicated. There are some who voluntarily request that their names be removed from the records of the Church. There are some who just withdraw their involvement and quietly slip away. Really, there's a lot of variety, and I really like that.
As I think about personal experiences I had as an active member, I know that being gay was not the only thing that led me to withdraw my involvement. I think about how difficult it was when I was ten and we moved into a new area. I didn't feel very comfortable in my new environment. I didn't feel welcomed at Church. Instead I felt like a joke. There were two girls my age who were really nice to me and we became friends. There were a few girls who would be nice to me at Church and be mean to me at school. I hated feeling unaccepted and I really despised the hypocritical front that those girls exhibited.
I think about experiences I had at Church that were more damaging than good. I remember being told to leave my primary class because I wouldn't open the snowflake I made and everyone else had. I remember dreading every Sunday because I didn't feel good at Church. I counted the minutes until it was over. I remember my (ex)husband being so concerned about what the ward would think of him if I wasn't at Church with him, not really caring that I was afraid to be there.
And really, being gay was just the final brick on my pathway out of the the Church.
I know I'm not the only one who has had experiences like that, that made you almost question your faith and allegiance rather than strengthen it. I was talking to a friend not that long ago about how his patriarchal blessing was really amazing until he learned that it was almost word for word the same as someone else who had received their blessing from the same Patriarch. I have another friend who has decided to take a more agnostic approach to his life now, after being raised LDS, because of the experiences he's had with the Church.
So I guess I wonder about these experiences and the responsibility that goes with it. If I buy into the LDS principles and ideas about this life and the life to come, and we are put upon this Earth to be tested, have I somehow failed by letting my experiences lead me to a life that is not active in the LDS faith? Am I the one that will be solely responsible for my reaction to those situations, or will the other people have a part in that as well? Will the Church leaders who so encouraged the Yes on 8 Campaign, who got involved with their time and money and got other members to do the same, be held to the same accountability for their actions and I will for my reaction to their actions?
Ultimately I understand that I am responsible for my life, for my choices, and for the consequences that I receive because of those choices. But I make choices based on my situation. If Situation A wasn't created, I wouldn't have made Decision B, which led me to Situation R, which led me to Decision Y, and so on. But what if I wouldn't have created Situation A on my own? Does that get taken into account?
I really like where I'm at right now and I like how my life is turning out, and I have to admit that it's a lot easier to like myself when I'm not actively a part of a homophobic religion. As far as what I believe, I do believe there is life beyond this one. I believe there is a loving God who is watching over us and I can see His hand and influence in my life. I know He knows me. I know He understands me. I know He hears my parents prayers for me just as much as He hears my prayers for my parents.
I just wish I knew what His thoughts on cause and effect are.
For whatever reason, I've been thinking about my history as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Maybe it's because I've been re-watching some of my favorite video blogs on YouTube and I wonder about what I would say if someone asked me about where I've been and what I've been through as a person who is both gay and Mormon.
As of this moment, sitting at my computer and typing these words, I am not an active member. I don't pursue any sort of affiliation with the LDS Church and I make no excuses about that fact. I try to live by my own morals and my own values and instead pursue a life I can feel comfortable with as I listen to my own conscience, which I believe to be given to me and influenced by a loving God and His Spirit.
Being a gay Mormon is a really interesting experience in my opinion. Across the blogging world you can read about the different types of gay Mormons, and really the thing that puts us into different categories is the level of activity we choose to have with the Church as a whole. There are some who are completely dedicated to "overcoming the temptations of same-gender attraction" and remaining faithful members. There are some who get excommunicated. There are some who voluntarily request that their names be removed from the records of the Church. There are some who just withdraw their involvement and quietly slip away. Really, there's a lot of variety, and I really like that.
As I think about personal experiences I had as an active member, I know that being gay was not the only thing that led me to withdraw my involvement. I think about how difficult it was when I was ten and we moved into a new area. I didn't feel very comfortable in my new environment. I didn't feel welcomed at Church. Instead I felt like a joke. There were two girls my age who were really nice to me and we became friends. There were a few girls who would be nice to me at Church and be mean to me at school. I hated feeling unaccepted and I really despised the hypocritical front that those girls exhibited.
I think about experiences I had at Church that were more damaging than good. I remember being told to leave my primary class because I wouldn't open the snowflake I made and everyone else had. I remember dreading every Sunday because I didn't feel good at Church. I counted the minutes until it was over. I remember my (ex)husband being so concerned about what the ward would think of him if I wasn't at Church with him, not really caring that I was afraid to be there.
And really, being gay was just the final brick on my pathway out of the the Church.
I know I'm not the only one who has had experiences like that, that made you almost question your faith and allegiance rather than strengthen it. I was talking to a friend not that long ago about how his patriarchal blessing was really amazing until he learned that it was almost word for word the same as someone else who had received their blessing from the same Patriarch. I have another friend who has decided to take a more agnostic approach to his life now, after being raised LDS, because of the experiences he's had with the Church.
So I guess I wonder about these experiences and the responsibility that goes with it. If I buy into the LDS principles and ideas about this life and the life to come, and we are put upon this Earth to be tested, have I somehow failed by letting my experiences lead me to a life that is not active in the LDS faith? Am I the one that will be solely responsible for my reaction to those situations, or will the other people have a part in that as well? Will the Church leaders who so encouraged the Yes on 8 Campaign, who got involved with their time and money and got other members to do the same, be held to the same accountability for their actions and I will for my reaction to their actions?
Ultimately I understand that I am responsible for my life, for my choices, and for the consequences that I receive because of those choices. But I make choices based on my situation. If Situation A wasn't created, I wouldn't have made Decision B, which led me to Situation R, which led me to Decision Y, and so on. But what if I wouldn't have created Situation A on my own? Does that get taken into account?
I really like where I'm at right now and I like how my life is turning out, and I have to admit that it's a lot easier to like myself when I'm not actively a part of a homophobic religion. As far as what I believe, I do believe there is life beyond this one. I believe there is a loving God who is watching over us and I can see His hand and influence in my life. I know He knows me. I know He understands me. I know He hears my parents prayers for me just as much as He hears my prayers for my parents.
I just wish I knew what His thoughts on cause and effect are.
03 April 2010
Pajama Church
General Conference has made me nervous the last few times it has rolled around. It used to be an excuse for Dad to make an enormous breakfast, which we ate while still in pajamas and filling in answers on a seminary assignment, quietly taking bets on who would fall asleep first. It was a week off from the stress of Church.
Not so much anymore.
Dad still makes a big breakfast and if my sisters and their families are in town, they still rock out the PJ's. But for the last three Conferences, I have found myself holding my breath, not knowing if something will be said about Prop 8 and its aftermath, about marriage being attacked by the evils of the Adversary, about anything directed at perpetuating more judgment and intolerance for people who are gay.
If I was in a one-on-one conversation and a General Authority chose to condemn me and my decisions, I'm pretty sure I could walk away and not feel bad about it, because I know my own truths and that is more important to me than the opinions of people I've never met. But my family is faithful to the teachings of the Church, and if that same General Authority broadcasts a message that is directed against homosexuality, my family will hear that, process it, chew on it, and that could be potentially damaging to my relationship with them.
Will this speaker be the one who gives my family more Church ammunition? Will they turn me away because of what this elder says? Will this be the uplifting spiritual tidbit that really solidifies my eternal damnation for having a girlfriend?
It makes me nervous.
Happy Easter.
Not so much anymore.
Dad still makes a big breakfast and if my sisters and their families are in town, they still rock out the PJ's. But for the last three Conferences, I have found myself holding my breath, not knowing if something will be said about Prop 8 and its aftermath, about marriage being attacked by the evils of the Adversary, about anything directed at perpetuating more judgment and intolerance for people who are gay.
If I was in a one-on-one conversation and a General Authority chose to condemn me and my decisions, I'm pretty sure I could walk away and not feel bad about it, because I know my own truths and that is more important to me than the opinions of people I've never met. But my family is faithful to the teachings of the Church, and if that same General Authority broadcasts a message that is directed against homosexuality, my family will hear that, process it, chew on it, and that could be potentially damaging to my relationship with them.
Will this speaker be the one who gives my family more Church ammunition? Will they turn me away because of what this elder says? Will this be the uplifting spiritual tidbit that really solidifies my eternal damnation for having a girlfriend?
It makes me nervous.
Happy Easter.
01 April 2010
And All That Jazz
Just thought I'd post a pic from last night's awesome Jazz game. Of course we're in the upper bowl, but that arena was built for basketball, so there's really not a bad seat in the house for a Jazz game.
That's my man D-Will (Deron Williams) on the jumbo-tron. I realize that might sound strange coming from me, but being the True Blue Through and Through Jazz fan that I absolutely am, he's one of three men that this lesbian will make an exception for and call her man.
:)
- blogged from my iPhone --
That's my man D-Will (Deron Williams) on the jumbo-tron. I realize that might sound strange coming from me, but being the True Blue Through and Through Jazz fan that I absolutely am, he's one of three men that this lesbian will make an exception for and call her man.
:)
- blogged from my iPhone --
Exhaling
The mom is cool. She was cracking me up all night long. She's just like her kids.
The brother is okay, but according to my girlfriend he's just weird anyway.
The Jazz won and they won big!
I had a blast. All in all, I rate it a five stars night, and it will take some of the pressure off when I next attend some sort of Girlfriend Family Affair.
I am now exhaling an enormous sigh of relief.
-- blogged from my iPhone --
The brother is okay, but according to my girlfriend he's just weird anyway.
The Jazz won and they won big!
I had a blast. All in all, I rate it a five stars night, and it will take some of the pressure off when I next attend some sort of Girlfriend Family Affair.
I am now exhaling an enormous sigh of relief.
-- blogged from my iPhone --
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