There was a religious debate at work the other day. These always crack me up a little bit, because you can't argue religion and politics in my opinion. There's too much emotion with either one, and it really comes down to how you feel about the facts instead of the actual facts themselves.
In this particular debate, I didn't hear most of it, but I did hear a point that I thought was valid.
"I would rather not live a religion at all than live it half-heartedly. What's the point of doing that? Do you really think God would rather have me fake my way to whatever salvation might be waiting?"
Good point.
Granted, God knows all, and He would be more than aware that you were faking it.
I didn't stick around to see who "won" the debate, but it did give me a tidbit to think about, so I just thought I'd share.
30 May 2011
UPDATE: School
I don't know if I ever blogged here about my school plans/dilemmas, so I thought I'd catch you up on how that's turning out.
I received my Associates Degree at the end of last semester. This was awesome because I could cross "get a degree" off my 30 List. Okay, it was awesome for other reasons too. I'm glad to be moving in the right direction when it comes to my education. I'm also really glad that I actually *have* a direction.
My plan has always been to major in Aviation Administration. When I originally was looking at the degree, the only school I knew of that offered this degree was Utah Valley University. So I applied there and got accepted. But when I got my acceptance letter, it was signed by one Matthew Holland, who was/is very involved with the Prop 8 campaign and the National Organization for Marriage. And then suddenly, I didn't really want to go to Utah Valley anymore.
So I got looking into other schools and I found two really amazing schools. The first is Westminster College here in Salt Lake. I was actually a student there once before and I really enjoyed it as much as I could, but I was not in a place where college was important to me. The other is Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. This school only offers degrees relating to aviation, whether it be as a pilot or air traffic controller, a management degree, an engineering degree, you get the idea. They have main campuses in Florida and Arizona and other remote campuses worldwide. I found out later that they have a remote campus at Hill AFB, but I applied to the Prescott Arizona campus.
To my great surprise and delight, I was accepted at both schools.
As much as I would have loved to go to ERAU and be a part of an educational community where everyone loves aviation as much as I do, I found that it wouldn't be financially beneficial to move. Maybe if they still had an Outback in Prescott that I could just transfer to, but they don't anymore. Westminster is also going to give me more financial aid than ERAU would have. So I sent my tuition deposit to Westminster and I will be starting in the fall.
Now, to clarify, when I say that I'm majoring in Aviation Administration, a lot of people mistakenly think that I am going to be an air traffic controller. I've looked into that but I don't meet the strict qualifications. An Aviation Administration degree is actually a business degree with an aviation emphasis. This means that I'll be working either for an airport or a specific airline, dealing with the business aspect of the aviation industry, so financials and things of that nature. I decided on this because it's kind of what I've been doing at the restaurant. I like doing administrative things, I just don't want to continue to be in restaurants. The restaurant is making me crazy! So I thought if I could combine something I know I like with an industry that I would love to be a part of, I would end up with what everyone wants: a career that they enjoy.
So in the fall I will be a Griffen again, and I'm shooting for graduation in 2013. I can't wait!
I received my Associates Degree at the end of last semester. This was awesome because I could cross "get a degree" off my 30 List. Okay, it was awesome for other reasons too. I'm glad to be moving in the right direction when it comes to my education. I'm also really glad that I actually *have* a direction.
My plan has always been to major in Aviation Administration. When I originally was looking at the degree, the only school I knew of that offered this degree was Utah Valley University. So I applied there and got accepted. But when I got my acceptance letter, it was signed by one Matthew Holland, who was/is very involved with the Prop 8 campaign and the National Organization for Marriage. And then suddenly, I didn't really want to go to Utah Valley anymore.
So I got looking into other schools and I found two really amazing schools. The first is Westminster College here in Salt Lake. I was actually a student there once before and I really enjoyed it as much as I could, but I was not in a place where college was important to me. The other is Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. This school only offers degrees relating to aviation, whether it be as a pilot or air traffic controller, a management degree, an engineering degree, you get the idea. They have main campuses in Florida and Arizona and other remote campuses worldwide. I found out later that they have a remote campus at Hill AFB, but I applied to the Prescott Arizona campus.
To my great surprise and delight, I was accepted at both schools.
As much as I would have loved to go to ERAU and be a part of an educational community where everyone loves aviation as much as I do, I found that it wouldn't be financially beneficial to move. Maybe if they still had an Outback in Prescott that I could just transfer to, but they don't anymore. Westminster is also going to give me more financial aid than ERAU would have. So I sent my tuition deposit to Westminster and I will be starting in the fall.
Now, to clarify, when I say that I'm majoring in Aviation Administration, a lot of people mistakenly think that I am going to be an air traffic controller. I've looked into that but I don't meet the strict qualifications. An Aviation Administration degree is actually a business degree with an aviation emphasis. This means that I'll be working either for an airport or a specific airline, dealing with the business aspect of the aviation industry, so financials and things of that nature. I decided on this because it's kind of what I've been doing at the restaurant. I like doing administrative things, I just don't want to continue to be in restaurants. The restaurant is making me crazy! So I thought if I could combine something I know I like with an industry that I would love to be a part of, I would end up with what everyone wants: a career that they enjoy.
So in the fall I will be a Griffen again, and I'm shooting for graduation in 2013. I can't wait!
UPDATE: Summer Plans
I've been out of school for about a month now and I'm mostly enjoying my summer. So far I haven't really done anything extraordinary, except for work more, and read the most awesome series of books I have ever had the pleasure of reading. But that doesn't mean I don't have upcoming plans, and in the interest of proving that I am still human, I thought I'd share them.
First, I am super excited about Pride. Last year was sweltering, so this year I'm guessing we'll have rain. Since rain has been the weather of choice lately, I'm sure it's not such an extreme guess. I had a lot more fun last year than I did the first year I went. This year we'll be going with some of the same friends, some new ones, and I'm looking forward to it. If nothing else, it's a Sunday that I don't have to work. Hopefully I will see some of you there!
I'm planning a trip to visit my sisters. That will be amazing because I really need a vacation. I'm burned out at my job and I get sick of the nonsense that comes with working in a restaurant. IT'S JUST FOOD PEOPLE, CHILL OUT. But it will be good to catch up with them and their families and to have a dog around again. I miss having a dog.
We're going to the Motley Crue concert on June 19th, and that will be quite the event, I'm sure. Motley Crue is one of my girlfriend's favorite bands. Poison, one of her other favorite bands, will also be there, so it should be an amazing show. AND it's at Usana, which is one of my favorite venues in Utah. There's not a bad seat in the house.
If it ever stops raining, I'm sure we'll be going to baseball games and maybe we'll even go to one where they have fireworks. I'd like to go to a soccer match this year as well, but we'll have to see if that works out.
My girlfriend is also going to be taking three weeks off from her day job, so I'm excited that we'll have more time together before I go back to school and that takes up all my time.
I'm also looking forward to the release of Dance With Dragons, the fifth book in the Song of Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin. You may have heard of Game of Thrones, which has now been turned into an HBO series. These books are absolutely amazing. You will never find an author who has the great character development that Martin does. Granted, it's a fantasy series set in something like medieval times, so it can get graphic at times. But I have really been enjoying these books. There's supposed to be seven books, so it will be awhile yet before the series is finished. That's okay, because as much as I hate waiting, I hate more that the good times will have to end.
Hope all your summer plans are treating you well!
First, I am super excited about Pride. Last year was sweltering, so this year I'm guessing we'll have rain. Since rain has been the weather of choice lately, I'm sure it's not such an extreme guess. I had a lot more fun last year than I did the first year I went. This year we'll be going with some of the same friends, some new ones, and I'm looking forward to it. If nothing else, it's a Sunday that I don't have to work. Hopefully I will see some of you there!
I'm planning a trip to visit my sisters. That will be amazing because I really need a vacation. I'm burned out at my job and I get sick of the nonsense that comes with working in a restaurant. IT'S JUST FOOD PEOPLE, CHILL OUT. But it will be good to catch up with them and their families and to have a dog around again. I miss having a dog.
We're going to the Motley Crue concert on June 19th, and that will be quite the event, I'm sure. Motley Crue is one of my girlfriend's favorite bands. Poison, one of her other favorite bands, will also be there, so it should be an amazing show. AND it's at Usana, which is one of my favorite venues in Utah. There's not a bad seat in the house.
If it ever stops raining, I'm sure we'll be going to baseball games and maybe we'll even go to one where they have fireworks. I'd like to go to a soccer match this year as well, but we'll have to see if that works out.
My girlfriend is also going to be taking three weeks off from her day job, so I'm excited that we'll have more time together before I go back to school and that takes up all my time.
I'm also looking forward to the release of Dance With Dragons, the fifth book in the Song of Fire and Ice series by George R.R. Martin. You may have heard of Game of Thrones, which has now been turned into an HBO series. These books are absolutely amazing. You will never find an author who has the great character development that Martin does. Granted, it's a fantasy series set in something like medieval times, so it can get graphic at times. But I have really been enjoying these books. There's supposed to be seven books, so it will be awhile yet before the series is finished. That's okay, because as much as I hate waiting, I hate more that the good times will have to end.
Hope all your summer plans are treating you well!
25 May 2011
The Numbers Behind NBA slurs
I don't know if any of you are into basketball, but this sport has always been my first love. I grew up watching John Stockton and Karl Malone play for the Jazz. I played backyard ball with the neighbor kids and at recess. I have always loved it.
Of course, this last season has given me reason to ground the Jazz and to be greatly disappointed in the league, both with players and with David Stern.
Late this season, Kobe Bryant from the LA Lakers and Joakim Noah from the Chicago Bulls have been fined for gay slurs. Kobe directed his at a referee, while Noah directed his at a fan from the opposing team (which is much worse, in my opinion). Both players were fined.
So let's break this down a little bit. Granted, I'm not sure how money works when a team goes into the playoffs, but there are 82 games in a regular NBA season.
KOBE
2010/2011 salary: $24,806,250
per game, he makes: $302,515.24
amount fined: $100,000
percent of income fined: 0.004%
NOAH
2010/2011 salary: $3,128,536 (next year, he will be making 10,000,000)
per game, he makes: $38,152.88
amount fined: $50,000
percent of income fined: 0.016%
So Kobe makes more in one game than the amount he was fined. $100,000 sounds like a lot of money to someone like you and me, but do you think this means anything to Kobe? I highly doubt it. With Noah, it would be like not playing one and a half games.
Hmmm...
So if the punishment means nothing to these players...do you really think it's a punishment?
David Stern, in my opinion, needs to take lessons from Roger Goodell. Roger Goodell is the commissioner of the NFL. Last season, he suspended Ben Roethlisberger for six games. Roethlisberger was accused of rape during the off-season. The charges were dropped and he maintained his innocence during the incident.
So wait...the starting quarterback for the Steelers (aka their superstar) was involved in an incident AWAY from the football field IN THE OFF-SEASON, he was not convicted of ANYTHING, and he was still suspended for six games, which is half the season?
Good on you, Goodell! Roger Goodell understands that even when you are not on the field, you are still a representative of the National Football League, and he won't stand for behavior that will defame his organization. This is someone who will make sure that the League maintains integrity and class, and will be an organization that is upstanding.
Now, I can't speak for what Goodell would do if he had to deal with a Kobe or a Noah situation. But I'm not impressed with David Stern and the way the league has handled these situations. The message that they are sending is that it does not matter. The players were fined because the league had to do something, so it imposed the bare minimum to appease the masses, and now everyone can go on their merry way.
NOT COOL.
This is a game that has always been part of my life. These are players who are hanging on posters in bedrooms of young kids, whose jerseys we wear, who we pay to go see play. These are supposed to be role models.
Thanks Kobe, for teaching those kids looking up to you that it's okay to call someone a "faggot" when you're really angry and frustrated with them.
On the other side, there are NBA players who are stepping up and taking a stand on things like this. You need to go here: http://youtu.be/PxZgVPf69zY and watch the commercial at the beginning of the clip. I couldn't believe it when I saw it airing on national television. The interview with Grant Hill was also really good.
This is the example I'm glad to see. These are the kind of players I admire.
And in a beautiful twist of irony, the Dallas Mavericks swept the Lakers and knocked them out of the playoffs, while the Miami Heat came back from behind to beat the Bulls last night, going up 3-1. The next time the Bulls lose, they're done for the season. Let that be a lesson!
Of course, this last season has given me reason to ground the Jazz and to be greatly disappointed in the league, both with players and with David Stern.
Late this season, Kobe Bryant from the LA Lakers and Joakim Noah from the Chicago Bulls have been fined for gay slurs. Kobe directed his at a referee, while Noah directed his at a fan from the opposing team (which is much worse, in my opinion). Both players were fined.
So let's break this down a little bit. Granted, I'm not sure how money works when a team goes into the playoffs, but there are 82 games in a regular NBA season.
KOBE
2010/2011 salary: $24,806,250
per game, he makes: $302,515.24
amount fined: $100,000
percent of income fined: 0.004%
NOAH
2010/2011 salary: $3,128,536 (next year, he will be making 10,000,000)
per game, he makes: $38,152.88
amount fined: $50,000
percent of income fined: 0.016%
So Kobe makes more in one game than the amount he was fined. $100,000 sounds like a lot of money to someone like you and me, but do you think this means anything to Kobe? I highly doubt it. With Noah, it would be like not playing one and a half games.
Hmmm...
So if the punishment means nothing to these players...do you really think it's a punishment?
David Stern, in my opinion, needs to take lessons from Roger Goodell. Roger Goodell is the commissioner of the NFL. Last season, he suspended Ben Roethlisberger for six games. Roethlisberger was accused of rape during the off-season. The charges were dropped and he maintained his innocence during the incident.
So wait...the starting quarterback for the Steelers (aka their superstar) was involved in an incident AWAY from the football field IN THE OFF-SEASON, he was not convicted of ANYTHING, and he was still suspended for six games, which is half the season?
Good on you, Goodell! Roger Goodell understands that even when you are not on the field, you are still a representative of the National Football League, and he won't stand for behavior that will defame his organization. This is someone who will make sure that the League maintains integrity and class, and will be an organization that is upstanding.
Now, I can't speak for what Goodell would do if he had to deal with a Kobe or a Noah situation. But I'm not impressed with David Stern and the way the league has handled these situations. The message that they are sending is that it does not matter. The players were fined because the league had to do something, so it imposed the bare minimum to appease the masses, and now everyone can go on their merry way.
NOT COOL.
This is a game that has always been part of my life. These are players who are hanging on posters in bedrooms of young kids, whose jerseys we wear, who we pay to go see play. These are supposed to be role models.
Thanks Kobe, for teaching those kids looking up to you that it's okay to call someone a "faggot" when you're really angry and frustrated with them.
On the other side, there are NBA players who are stepping up and taking a stand on things like this. You need to go here: http://youtu.be/PxZgVPf69zY and watch the commercial at the beginning of the clip. I couldn't believe it when I saw it airing on national television. The interview with Grant Hill was also really good.
This is the example I'm glad to see. These are the kind of players I admire.
And in a beautiful twist of irony, the Dallas Mavericks swept the Lakers and knocked them out of the playoffs, while the Miami Heat came back from behind to beat the Bulls last night, going up 3-1. The next time the Bulls lose, they're done for the season. Let that be a lesson!
17 May 2011
Nobody's Perfect...
...so why do we try so hard to prove to everyone else that we are?
I've blogged about this before. For whatever reason, there seems to be this pressure to make everyone else think that you don't have problems, or stressful things happening to you, or that there is nothing in your life that you are ashamed of. Which I think is sad, because I know from experience that the really difficult things help you grow the most. Why would you not be proud of that?
I took my mom to lunch a few days after Mother's Day, because (surprise, surprise) I had to work all day on the actual day. It was nice to spend time with her. We were talking about family, because I asked about how the family dinner went, and she said something that kind of surprised me. This isn't an exact quote, but it was something to the effect of...
"The more life I live, the more I've come to realize that there are no perfect families. It's just how you get through everything together that matters."
Wow. I was not expecting that. But that is a belief that my mom has held onto for a long time, because of that idea that you have to be perfect, because if you're perfect, there's no chance you can be unhappy.
But then it reminded me of something that my girlfriend often says...
"I don't think being gay is a trial for me. I think it's a trial for other people, to accept me and to love me without judgment. Maybe I am gay to help teach someone else tolerance."
True that.
Now, I'm not saying that you need to air your dirty laundry for everyone to see. That's not the point. But if it's generally accepted that nobody is perfect, I think it's okay to admit that no, you're not perfect.
So here I am. I'm not pretending to have the perfect life, free of stress and problems and sleepless nights. I have them. I for sure have them. But as long as I'm doing the best I can to live my life and be a good person, contribute in some positive way to the people around me, I don't see why that's not something to be proud of.
Nobody's perfect. It's not an excuse...it's a fact. So let's cut ourselves some slack. We have enough to worry about.
I've blogged about this before. For whatever reason, there seems to be this pressure to make everyone else think that you don't have problems, or stressful things happening to you, or that there is nothing in your life that you are ashamed of. Which I think is sad, because I know from experience that the really difficult things help you grow the most. Why would you not be proud of that?
I took my mom to lunch a few days after Mother's Day, because (surprise, surprise) I had to work all day on the actual day. It was nice to spend time with her. We were talking about family, because I asked about how the family dinner went, and she said something that kind of surprised me. This isn't an exact quote, but it was something to the effect of...
"The more life I live, the more I've come to realize that there are no perfect families. It's just how you get through everything together that matters."
Wow. I was not expecting that. But that is a belief that my mom has held onto for a long time, because of that idea that you have to be perfect, because if you're perfect, there's no chance you can be unhappy.
But then it reminded me of something that my girlfriend often says...
"I don't think being gay is a trial for me. I think it's a trial for other people, to accept me and to love me without judgment. Maybe I am gay to help teach someone else tolerance."
True that.
Now, I'm not saying that you need to air your dirty laundry for everyone to see. That's not the point. But if it's generally accepted that nobody is perfect, I think it's okay to admit that no, you're not perfect.
So here I am. I'm not pretending to have the perfect life, free of stress and problems and sleepless nights. I have them. I for sure have them. But as long as I'm doing the best I can to live my life and be a good person, contribute in some positive way to the people around me, I don't see why that's not something to be proud of.
Nobody's perfect. It's not an excuse...it's a fact. So let's cut ourselves some slack. We have enough to worry about.
21 April 2011
Disappearing
In talking with some of my gay friends, I've noticed a trend. Perhaps this isn't always the case, perhaps you have a different experience, but I just thought I'd point it out.
When you have a Mormon family and you are also blessed with being gay, coming out is a huge deal. It can be traumatizing and messy and there are tears and sleepless nights. In the aftermath, there is often a period of time where the one who is blessed with being gay will "disappear."
Where do we go?
I can tell you where I don't go. I don't go to events where the extended family will be. It's awkward and often it's difficult to tell who knows and who doesn't. For the ones who do know, I don't want to chance a confrontation in front of those who are still blissfully ignorant. That has a way of ruining family functions.
But not being there also means that they don't get to see how happy I am.
I'm not terribly miserable, which doesn't fit the "living in sin" model. I should be unhappy and addicted to drugs and spiraling out of control. That's what happens when you're gay, after all. We party like rockstars and give each other diseases and threaten all that is good and wholesome about families and stuff. Or something like that. *sarcasm*
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to stand up to them if they come at me. I'm not saying they would, but I find that if I'm prepared for the worst, I can face anything that happens. I would be overjoyed if there was no hint of confrontation or judgment or disapproving scorn. But that's not a guarantee. So I gotta get my emergency preparedness on.
In the beginning, that emergency preparedness mandates that self-preservation comes first. That's why you won't see me. I'm no martyr. I know that I've got to toughen up my skin, find my footing, and know that there is a peaceful center within me that no one can touch with ugly words. I've got to find a way to stop apologizing for being who I am, because there is nothing wrong with me. I have to believe that, because there are people out there who won't, and who will try to tell me differently.
The people that I know have gone years without seeing their families because the LDS Church acts as a barrier between them. I'm still in my disappearance phase, but I don't want that to happen to me. I'm glad that my immediate family has not shunned me completely. I wish that I didn't feel anxious and afraid to see my extended family. But I do.
They're having potato salad and ham, laughing and having a good time. I'm not there, but that doesn't mean I'm not also laughing and enjoying my life.
You don't see me, because I don't trust you yet to see me, but I hope that one day I will. I'm not sure what it will take. All I know is that I hope we can both have the understanding pieces of ourselves present when that day comes.
When you have a Mormon family and you are also blessed with being gay, coming out is a huge deal. It can be traumatizing and messy and there are tears and sleepless nights. In the aftermath, there is often a period of time where the one who is blessed with being gay will "disappear."
Where do we go?
I can tell you where I don't go. I don't go to events where the extended family will be. It's awkward and often it's difficult to tell who knows and who doesn't. For the ones who do know, I don't want to chance a confrontation in front of those who are still blissfully ignorant. That has a way of ruining family functions.
But not being there also means that they don't get to see how happy I am.
I'm not terribly miserable, which doesn't fit the "living in sin" model. I should be unhappy and addicted to drugs and spiraling out of control. That's what happens when you're gay, after all. We party like rockstars and give each other diseases and threaten all that is good and wholesome about families and stuff. Or something like that. *sarcasm*
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to stand up to them if they come at me. I'm not saying they would, but I find that if I'm prepared for the worst, I can face anything that happens. I would be overjoyed if there was no hint of confrontation or judgment or disapproving scorn. But that's not a guarantee. So I gotta get my emergency preparedness on.
In the beginning, that emergency preparedness mandates that self-preservation comes first. That's why you won't see me. I'm no martyr. I know that I've got to toughen up my skin, find my footing, and know that there is a peaceful center within me that no one can touch with ugly words. I've got to find a way to stop apologizing for being who I am, because there is nothing wrong with me. I have to believe that, because there are people out there who won't, and who will try to tell me differently.
The people that I know have gone years without seeing their families because the LDS Church acts as a barrier between them. I'm still in my disappearance phase, but I don't want that to happen to me. I'm glad that my immediate family has not shunned me completely. I wish that I didn't feel anxious and afraid to see my extended family. But I do.
They're having potato salad and ham, laughing and having a good time. I'm not there, but that doesn't mean I'm not also laughing and enjoying my life.
You don't see me, because I don't trust you yet to see me, but I hope that one day I will. I'm not sure what it will take. All I know is that I hope we can both have the understanding pieces of ourselves present when that day comes.
15 April 2011
Seeing Through The Snow
(Since it's April, you may be wondering why I'm writing about snow. If that's the case, you are clearly not from Utah, nor have you ever lived here...but that's okay. I still like you.)
We had some weather recently. It snowed for about three days and didn't stop. But just because it's snowing doesn't mean that life stops. So I was driving home from work one evening, through snowflakes that make you think of bread. At night, when your headlights are on, snowflakes like this can make it rough to see. Fortunately, it didn't stick to the roads. But in weather like this, you have to know a couple tricks to make it home safely.
You can't look at the snow. It's difficult sometimes. After all, it's coming directly at you, all lit up by your headlights, hitting your windshield. But if you look at it, you get distracted. You have to see through it.
I was thinking about this during the snowstorm because I've been caught up by distractions lately. It happens sometimes. There's quite a lot in this world that is more than willing to kick you off the path you're on.
So I'm gay (I know, it's news, and you're all surprised). And most times, I'm really okay with it. But we all know that it's not an easy thing to be gay in Utah. And there are sometimes when that gets to me. I love my girlfriend so much. And love is not distracting. But the looks we get when we go out, the awkwardness that sometimes creeps into a servers voice when they ask if we're on one check, the disapproval that is so prevalent...that can definitely be distracting.
When I think about my feelings, I know they are real. There's nothing wrong with the relationship I have with my girlfriend. We care about each other, we take care of each other, we're best friends. We're lucky. So I don't know why I get caught up in watching the snow.
So we're gay. So what? We know where we're going, and no amount of snow will stop us from getting there. We need to look through the flakes, see beyond the snow, and know that we have each other so everything will be okay. There are still streetlights to guide the way.
The good thing is that you only have to get through the storm. As anyone in Utah will tell you, if you don't like the weather...just wait fifteen minutes.
We had some weather recently. It snowed for about three days and didn't stop. But just because it's snowing doesn't mean that life stops. So I was driving home from work one evening, through snowflakes that make you think of bread. At night, when your headlights are on, snowflakes like this can make it rough to see. Fortunately, it didn't stick to the roads. But in weather like this, you have to know a couple tricks to make it home safely.
You can't look at the snow. It's difficult sometimes. After all, it's coming directly at you, all lit up by your headlights, hitting your windshield. But if you look at it, you get distracted. You have to see through it.
I was thinking about this during the snowstorm because I've been caught up by distractions lately. It happens sometimes. There's quite a lot in this world that is more than willing to kick you off the path you're on.
So I'm gay (I know, it's news, and you're all surprised). And most times, I'm really okay with it. But we all know that it's not an easy thing to be gay in Utah. And there are sometimes when that gets to me. I love my girlfriend so much. And love is not distracting. But the looks we get when we go out, the awkwardness that sometimes creeps into a servers voice when they ask if we're on one check, the disapproval that is so prevalent...that can definitely be distracting.
When I think about my feelings, I know they are real. There's nothing wrong with the relationship I have with my girlfriend. We care about each other, we take care of each other, we're best friends. We're lucky. So I don't know why I get caught up in watching the snow.
So we're gay. So what? We know where we're going, and no amount of snow will stop us from getting there. We need to look through the flakes, see beyond the snow, and know that we have each other so everything will be okay. There are still streetlights to guide the way.
The good thing is that you only have to get through the storm. As anyone in Utah will tell you, if you don't like the weather...just wait fifteen minutes.
29 March 2011
A Grain Of Sand
I tend to be a lurker sometimes. I don't always comment on blogs or Facebook threads, but I do a lot of reading and contemplating, and often sympathizing with the poor, unsuspecting soul who had a status update turn into a comment war between their friends.
Such was the case the other day.
As I was reading the comments posted on this fellow Moho's status, one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was the degree to which a non-Moho does not understand the plight of a Moho.
Here we all are, growing up in this faith, being taught the same things--marriage is under attack, only marriage between a man and a woman is ordained by God, homosexuality used to be a sin all by itself, but now it's not, and as long as you don't act of those same gender attractions (aka "temptations"), you're not a bad person...but not everyone believes that you're not a bad person, and there are those who still believe that it might be better to be dead than to be gay (SO UNBELIEVABLY NOT TRUE!!!)...and a non-Moho will take that at face value with no reason to question it.
For me, that grain of sand took a very long time to change into a pearl. But I had to, because it was about me, and something inside me didn't buy what I was being sold. I had reason to question, I had reason to doubt, and I had reason to chew on the conflict between what I was being taught and what I was actually feeling.
Someone who does not have that same grain of sand will never understand what that truly feels like.
If the leaders of the Church decided to proclaim that blonde hair was contrary to God's plan, how would someone born with blonde hair feel? Perhaps they could dye it, make sure that no one knew, make sure that no one ever saw, make sure they did everything within their power to conform to what is acceptable in God's eyes. But they would still have blonde hair. And either you keep pretending you're a brunette, or you dare to question, to consider that blonde hair doesn't actually offend God, and maybe He thinks you're beautiful no matter what your hair color is, and maybe He still loves you despite the fact that your religion preaches against your "sinful" nature.
Maybe it's nice, to go to church and never worry about what will be said. Ignorance may be bliss for some people. But faith standing on ignorance seems awfully shallow to me. Heaven forbid they ever meet the test that comes from a grain of sand.
Such was the case the other day.
As I was reading the comments posted on this fellow Moho's status, one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was the degree to which a non-Moho does not understand the plight of a Moho.
Here we all are, growing up in this faith, being taught the same things--marriage is under attack, only marriage between a man and a woman is ordained by God, homosexuality used to be a sin all by itself, but now it's not, and as long as you don't act of those same gender attractions (aka "temptations"), you're not a bad person...but not everyone believes that you're not a bad person, and there are those who still believe that it might be better to be dead than to be gay (SO UNBELIEVABLY NOT TRUE!!!)...and a non-Moho will take that at face value with no reason to question it.
For me, that grain of sand took a very long time to change into a pearl. But I had to, because it was about me, and something inside me didn't buy what I was being sold. I had reason to question, I had reason to doubt, and I had reason to chew on the conflict between what I was being taught and what I was actually feeling.
Someone who does not have that same grain of sand will never understand what that truly feels like.
If the leaders of the Church decided to proclaim that blonde hair was contrary to God's plan, how would someone born with blonde hair feel? Perhaps they could dye it, make sure that no one knew, make sure that no one ever saw, make sure they did everything within their power to conform to what is acceptable in God's eyes. But they would still have blonde hair. And either you keep pretending you're a brunette, or you dare to question, to consider that blonde hair doesn't actually offend God, and maybe He thinks you're beautiful no matter what your hair color is, and maybe He still loves you despite the fact that your religion preaches against your "sinful" nature.
Maybe it's nice, to go to church and never worry about what will be said. Ignorance may be bliss for some people. But faith standing on ignorance seems awfully shallow to me. Heaven forbid they ever meet the test that comes from a grain of sand.
23 March 2011
The Ones We Lose
I've recently been thinking about the ones who go by the wayside when our true identities are revealed. This wasn't just a random thought. I noticed the other day that I had been unfriended on facebook by two of my friends from high school.
Now Facebook is not a huge deal to me. It's not that they aren't my Facebook friends anymore that upsets me. It's that they were really good friends to me in high school. We were close. Just the other day, I found a letter that T had written to me when she went away to college, encouraging me and telling me that I had so much to offer, and that I needed to find a way to share my personality and talents with the people around me. She wrote that I was a good person. She wrote that she was happy to be my friend.
But high school was awhile ago now. I get that. Things are different now, ten years later. She's married, has a family. And I'm not. Instead, I came out.
I remember seeing things on my newsfeed from her, things that seemed more like something Glenn Beck would say than she would, so I guess I could have predicted that me changing my relationship status to dating a girl wouldn't go over so well.
And then there is the case of my former roommate. Those of you who have followed this blog for awhile know what I'm talking about, but I'll provide a quick recap for those who have recently joined. I was friends with C since my senior year of high school. We worked together, and we became roommates after I got divorced. We lived together for four years. The closer I got to coming out, the further I got from her. And when I finally did come out to her, she asked me to move out. It was messy, and we really haven't spoken since. That was about a year and a half ago.
Coming out is not an easy thing. But we get lots of practice at it. When we meet new people, we are constantly entering into that place of having to come out, or weighing the pros and cons of doing so.
Not always the most pleasant place to be in.
So sometimes we lose people. The lousy thing is, these friends will probably not be the last. If they decide they can't accept me for me, it's unfortunate. I don't know all of T or TE or C's reasons for deciding that they are better off without a gay friend in their life. I don't fit into whatever box they define as their ideal life, I guess. That isn't my fault. It doesn't always ease the sting though.
Does it hurt? Of course. Is it worth losing friends if I can be true to myself?
Absolutely.
Now Facebook is not a huge deal to me. It's not that they aren't my Facebook friends anymore that upsets me. It's that they were really good friends to me in high school. We were close. Just the other day, I found a letter that T had written to me when she went away to college, encouraging me and telling me that I had so much to offer, and that I needed to find a way to share my personality and talents with the people around me. She wrote that I was a good person. She wrote that she was happy to be my friend.
But high school was awhile ago now. I get that. Things are different now, ten years later. She's married, has a family. And I'm not. Instead, I came out.
I remember seeing things on my newsfeed from her, things that seemed more like something Glenn Beck would say than she would, so I guess I could have predicted that me changing my relationship status to dating a girl wouldn't go over so well.
And then there is the case of my former roommate. Those of you who have followed this blog for awhile know what I'm talking about, but I'll provide a quick recap for those who have recently joined. I was friends with C since my senior year of high school. We worked together, and we became roommates after I got divorced. We lived together for four years. The closer I got to coming out, the further I got from her. And when I finally did come out to her, she asked me to move out. It was messy, and we really haven't spoken since. That was about a year and a half ago.
Coming out is not an easy thing. But we get lots of practice at it. When we meet new people, we are constantly entering into that place of having to come out, or weighing the pros and cons of doing so.
Not always the most pleasant place to be in.
So sometimes we lose people. The lousy thing is, these friends will probably not be the last. If they decide they can't accept me for me, it's unfortunate. I don't know all of T or TE or C's reasons for deciding that they are better off without a gay friend in their life. I don't fit into whatever box they define as their ideal life, I guess. That isn't my fault. It doesn't always ease the sting though.
Does it hurt? Of course. Is it worth losing friends if I can be true to myself?
Absolutely.
17 March 2011
Unfriendly Publications
My parents were out of town last week, so I was "watching" the house. My dad has a space on the counter where he puts a lot of his work papers and where his cell phone charges and things like that. It's just his general area. So when I was sorting the mail, I happened to glance over to the "pile" and lo and behold, there was a copy of "God Loveth His Children."
I've heard a lot about this pamphlet through the Moho world, but I've never actually seen a copy. I flipped through it briefly, but figured "whatever." I'm not a fan of it, I'm not a fan of the policies and double standards, but whatever. The Church is pretty much everything to my parents, and I know this, so of course they are going to turn to doctrine and publications to try to process my sexuality. That's fine. We all try to deal with things in the best way we know how.
Now, by itself, this incident is not really a big deal. But there's more to the story.
Rewind a few days, before my parents left, when I was at home before school. My parents get both the Salt Lake Tribune and The Deseret News, so there are newspapers everywhere. My dad is the type that will rip out an article or comic when he thinks it's interesting or that someone else will find it interesting. It's one of his quirky things, I guess.
Anyway, there was one of these ripped out articles on the stairs. It was actually from the Letter to the Editor section. Some guy had written in about a study that he had read about. It was a reparative therapy type of study and apparently about 30% of individuals reported that their homosexual tendencies had significantly diminished. The conclusion, and consequently the headline, was that "gays can change."
Again, by itself, this incident is really not a big deal. I know that my dad has had a more difficult time in accepting me than my mom has. I think it's because he and I were closer than my mom and I were before I came out. I don't know if it's because he didn't see it, or because it makes sense now when he thinks about it, but he's still pretty distant sometimes.
In combination though, putting the two together made it into somewhat of a big deal.
I don't really know how to act anymore around my dad. I'm not as angry as I was, but I'm still kind of hurt by the whole thing. And that makes me kind of angry too, because I hate it when I can explain something logically but my emotional response is the complete opposite.
It's not my most favorite situation, not my most favorite response. I hate how my dad can ignore me for days, not speak to me when we're both home, and then other days it's like it used to be. He just talks to me like nothing has been wrong at all. It's really not a lot of fun to have that sort of back-and-forth game get played. I try to remind myself to be patient. I try to remind myself that it's not easy. I try to remind myself that Time can give me hope.
In the meantime, I swiped "God Loveth His Children." Maybe not the most ethical thing to do, but I figure he can always get another one if he really needs it. I just wish he would find some more friendly publications.
I've heard a lot about this pamphlet through the Moho world, but I've never actually seen a copy. I flipped through it briefly, but figured "whatever." I'm not a fan of it, I'm not a fan of the policies and double standards, but whatever. The Church is pretty much everything to my parents, and I know this, so of course they are going to turn to doctrine and publications to try to process my sexuality. That's fine. We all try to deal with things in the best way we know how.
Now, by itself, this incident is not really a big deal. But there's more to the story.
Rewind a few days, before my parents left, when I was at home before school. My parents get both the Salt Lake Tribune and The Deseret News, so there are newspapers everywhere. My dad is the type that will rip out an article or comic when he thinks it's interesting or that someone else will find it interesting. It's one of his quirky things, I guess.
Anyway, there was one of these ripped out articles on the stairs. It was actually from the Letter to the Editor section. Some guy had written in about a study that he had read about. It was a reparative therapy type of study and apparently about 30% of individuals reported that their homosexual tendencies had significantly diminished. The conclusion, and consequently the headline, was that "gays can change."
Again, by itself, this incident is really not a big deal. I know that my dad has had a more difficult time in accepting me than my mom has. I think it's because he and I were closer than my mom and I were before I came out. I don't know if it's because he didn't see it, or because it makes sense now when he thinks about it, but he's still pretty distant sometimes.
In combination though, putting the two together made it into somewhat of a big deal.
I don't really know how to act anymore around my dad. I'm not as angry as I was, but I'm still kind of hurt by the whole thing. And that makes me kind of angry too, because I hate it when I can explain something logically but my emotional response is the complete opposite.
It's not my most favorite situation, not my most favorite response. I hate how my dad can ignore me for days, not speak to me when we're both home, and then other days it's like it used to be. He just talks to me like nothing has been wrong at all. It's really not a lot of fun to have that sort of back-and-forth game get played. I try to remind myself to be patient. I try to remind myself that it's not easy. I try to remind myself that Time can give me hope.
In the meantime, I swiped "God Loveth His Children." Maybe not the most ethical thing to do, but I figure he can always get another one if he really needs it. I just wish he would find some more friendly publications.
16 March 2011
8
I have finally seen 8: The Mormon Proposition. I've been wanting to see it since it appeared at Sundance, but I just haven't had the opportunity. So I thought I would write a couple of my thoughts about it, even though I know that a lot of you have seen it and blogged about it already.
First, I think Tyler and Spencer are absolutely adorable. I love cute gay boys, they make me happy. I think Tyler and Spencer deserve every happiness and I'm glad for them, that they took the opportunity to get married while they could. Hearing their story was such an emotional experience, but I am glad that they would share it.
Secondly, there was a lot in the film that reflected my own feelings about Proposition 8. I think that this country was founded on the belief that people should be allowed to practice their religion without interference from the government. I think this is a fundamental right. But I also think it should work the other way as well, and that government should be free from the religious interference.
I know there are arguments about what gay marriage will do to society. One of them is that gay marriage will be taught in schools to impressionable children. Okay...but what about evolution? Evolution is taught in science classes and is generally accepted as fact. Yet the Bible and many churches will teach about creation. So what do you do when your eight-year-old comes home after learning about Darwin? We were told that evolution was science's explanation, but our religion taught us to believe in creation, and that's what we accept as fact. I really don't see gay marriage as being any different from this. Be a parent and teach your children what you think are acceptable values and morals, and if you disagree with gay marriage, so be it.
I am not asking to get married in an LDS temple. I have no desire to try and pick a fight over that matter. Besides, I don't really want to pursue having the blessing of a Church that has no interest in granting it. And that's fine. Religions should have the right to dictate their rules and regulations about all aspects of their doctrine and religious practices, marriage being one of them. But if the government is willing to allow marriage to gay couples as well as straight couples, they should have the right to.
Perhaps there are those who don't share my opinion. And that's fine. This is my opinion, I will own it, and I'm also not going to fight about it.
But I've gotten a bit off track here. All in all, I found the film to be interesting. I would watch it again. I didn't really find that the film changed my opinion about the Church. Regardless of what you think about the film or the filmmaker, or religion and politics, it's difficult to deny that the Church was involved in the campaign in California. Based on their actions during Proposition 8, I already felt betrayed and hurt by the Church, so anything that was brought up or discussed during the film didn't have any more of an effect on my opinion.
Perhaps my favorite part was Tyler's mom, Linda. She is an absolutely amazing person, so supportive and so strong. You can tell that she really loves her kids, including her son-in-law, and that she would fight for them at any time, in any place. I have actually seen her before, I just didn't know it. My very first Pride in SLC, when I was still basically in the closet, Linda and her husband marched with the PFLAG group. I remember them because of the posters they were wearing around her neck. One had a picture of Tyler, and their daughter Amanda, and it read "proud of our gay kids." Now, the PFLAG group always brings tears to my eyes, but I remember that poster, and I remember them, because I remember wondering if my parents would ever even think the words "proud of my gay daughter." I still don't know if they ever will. But Linda is awesome, and I would love to shake her hand one day.
I also didn't know that David Baker was in the film, so that was a pleasant surprise, to see him in it and hear a part of his story.
But there you go, that's my reaction to the film. If you're gay and LDS, or if you're LDS and know someone who is gay, I would recommend seeing it, if for no other reason than to see a different perspective about the effects of Prop 8, and how it changed real people.
First, I think Tyler and Spencer are absolutely adorable. I love cute gay boys, they make me happy. I think Tyler and Spencer deserve every happiness and I'm glad for them, that they took the opportunity to get married while they could. Hearing their story was such an emotional experience, but I am glad that they would share it.
Secondly, there was a lot in the film that reflected my own feelings about Proposition 8. I think that this country was founded on the belief that people should be allowed to practice their religion without interference from the government. I think this is a fundamental right. But I also think it should work the other way as well, and that government should be free from the religious interference.
I know there are arguments about what gay marriage will do to society. One of them is that gay marriage will be taught in schools to impressionable children. Okay...but what about evolution? Evolution is taught in science classes and is generally accepted as fact. Yet the Bible and many churches will teach about creation. So what do you do when your eight-year-old comes home after learning about Darwin? We were told that evolution was science's explanation, but our religion taught us to believe in creation, and that's what we accept as fact. I really don't see gay marriage as being any different from this. Be a parent and teach your children what you think are acceptable values and morals, and if you disagree with gay marriage, so be it.
I am not asking to get married in an LDS temple. I have no desire to try and pick a fight over that matter. Besides, I don't really want to pursue having the blessing of a Church that has no interest in granting it. And that's fine. Religions should have the right to dictate their rules and regulations about all aspects of their doctrine and religious practices, marriage being one of them. But if the government is willing to allow marriage to gay couples as well as straight couples, they should have the right to.
Perhaps there are those who don't share my opinion. And that's fine. This is my opinion, I will own it, and I'm also not going to fight about it.
But I've gotten a bit off track here. All in all, I found the film to be interesting. I would watch it again. I didn't really find that the film changed my opinion about the Church. Regardless of what you think about the film or the filmmaker, or religion and politics, it's difficult to deny that the Church was involved in the campaign in California. Based on their actions during Proposition 8, I already felt betrayed and hurt by the Church, so anything that was brought up or discussed during the film didn't have any more of an effect on my opinion.
Perhaps my favorite part was Tyler's mom, Linda. She is an absolutely amazing person, so supportive and so strong. You can tell that she really loves her kids, including her son-in-law, and that she would fight for them at any time, in any place. I have actually seen her before, I just didn't know it. My very first Pride in SLC, when I was still basically in the closet, Linda and her husband marched with the PFLAG group. I remember them because of the posters they were wearing around her neck. One had a picture of Tyler, and their daughter Amanda, and it read "proud of our gay kids." Now, the PFLAG group always brings tears to my eyes, but I remember that poster, and I remember them, because I remember wondering if my parents would ever even think the words "proud of my gay daughter." I still don't know if they ever will. But Linda is awesome, and I would love to shake her hand one day.
I also didn't know that David Baker was in the film, so that was a pleasant surprise, to see him in it and hear a part of his story.
But there you go, that's my reaction to the film. If you're gay and LDS, or if you're LDS and know someone who is gay, I would recommend seeing it, if for no other reason than to see a different perspective about the effects of Prop 8, and how it changed real people.
Quick Recap
So I've been absent for most of this month, so I thought I'd take advantage of some much needed Spring Break time to catch you up on the little bits and pieces of my life.
Being a student is taking up a lot of my time. But the good news is that I'm making progress. Hurray! I am in my last semester at Weber State and I will be receiving my associate's degree after this semester. Once Spring Break is over, there are four weeks left in the semester, and that's it! It feels like it's going by quickly, then it feels like it's dragging and I'll never get through it. But I've gotten signed off by my advisor, I've filed for and paid my diploma fee (of course, they can't let you graduate for free, no matter how much money you've ALREADY paid them to get the darn thing), and I'm just trying to get through these last fourteen credit hours. It's not easy--my nutrition class is the epitome of evil.
The only other consistent thing I do is work. Which is the same. But I've decided that I should write a book about the people that come into the restaurant and ask their crazy questions or make crazy comments. I've got some great stories already. Anyone know a publisher?
My girlfriend and I are doing well. She's been so amazingly supportive of me during school. It's nice, especially when I get frustrated. We're trying to figure out what I'm going to do in the fall. I'm trying to decide between two schools. The one that I would really like to go to is a private school (don't worry, definitely NOT BYU), so it's more expensive. It's going to depend on my financial aid. But I've got a backup school if my first choice doesn't work the way I want it to.
We are still dorks, just hanging out and being happy with each other. We've been together for nineteen months now, and it's still really good. Sometimes it feels like we've known each other for so long, because we're so comfortable together and we watch out for each other like we've been together for longer. In other ways, it still feels new and exciting, and we both just want to be with each other all the time.
That's probably kind of sappy, and not necessarily information that you all need to know, but I like telling it, so I'm leaving it in this post.
In other brief news, I'm really disappointed in the Jazz management these days, but I'll always support my team. I just may have to become a Nets fan on the side, but I haven't fully committed to that yet. I'm finding my social networking to be branching out, thanks to Twitter (@drakames , if you're interested) and Words With Friends and vloggers on YouTube. We're looking forward to baseball season and March is the only time I watch NCAA basketball, so it's going to be a good few weeks for sports. Also, the USAF Thunderbirds kicked off their season, and they are coming back to SLC this year in September, so I'm really looking forward to that! I love that jet noise. We're also talking about going to Seattle for their Pride this year. We've got a lot of stuff to look forward to, and I think it's going to be a great time getting there.
Hope you all are doing well!
Being a student is taking up a lot of my time. But the good news is that I'm making progress. Hurray! I am in my last semester at Weber State and I will be receiving my associate's degree after this semester. Once Spring Break is over, there are four weeks left in the semester, and that's it! It feels like it's going by quickly, then it feels like it's dragging and I'll never get through it. But I've gotten signed off by my advisor, I've filed for and paid my diploma fee (of course, they can't let you graduate for free, no matter how much money you've ALREADY paid them to get the darn thing), and I'm just trying to get through these last fourteen credit hours. It's not easy--my nutrition class is the epitome of evil.
The only other consistent thing I do is work. Which is the same. But I've decided that I should write a book about the people that come into the restaurant and ask their crazy questions or make crazy comments. I've got some great stories already. Anyone know a publisher?
My girlfriend and I are doing well. She's been so amazingly supportive of me during school. It's nice, especially when I get frustrated. We're trying to figure out what I'm going to do in the fall. I'm trying to decide between two schools. The one that I would really like to go to is a private school (don't worry, definitely NOT BYU), so it's more expensive. It's going to depend on my financial aid. But I've got a backup school if my first choice doesn't work the way I want it to.
We are still dorks, just hanging out and being happy with each other. We've been together for nineteen months now, and it's still really good. Sometimes it feels like we've known each other for so long, because we're so comfortable together and we watch out for each other like we've been together for longer. In other ways, it still feels new and exciting, and we both just want to be with each other all the time.
That's probably kind of sappy, and not necessarily information that you all need to know, but I like telling it, so I'm leaving it in this post.
In other brief news, I'm really disappointed in the Jazz management these days, but I'll always support my team. I just may have to become a Nets fan on the side, but I haven't fully committed to that yet. I'm finding my social networking to be branching out, thanks to Twitter (@drakames , if you're interested) and Words With Friends and vloggers on YouTube. We're looking forward to baseball season and March is the only time I watch NCAA basketball, so it's going to be a good few weeks for sports. Also, the USAF Thunderbirds kicked off their season, and they are coming back to SLC this year in September, so I'm really looking forward to that! I love that jet noise. We're also talking about going to Seattle for their Pride this year. We've got a lot of stuff to look forward to, and I think it's going to be a great time getting there.
Hope you all are doing well!
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