Lazarus

I love finding little tidbits of inspiration.  They seem to occur in every day life, they can seem fleeting, but if you really pause and think about it, there are sometimes deeper meanings hidden within small things.  I love finding meaning in little moments like this.

I picked up one of these tidbits in my English class last week.

Since it was the first class, my teacher was giving his spiel and making his presentation about what he expects, what the class will entail...you know, the usual.  Then he said that one thing he wanted from us as students was to have an open mind.  He said it drives him crazy when people are close-minded because it defeats the purpose of teaching and learning.

Then he said that if you go to the biology department and look at the classifications they use to define a living thing, one of them is the ability to change.  "So if you insist on being close-minded and refusing to change, you may as well be dead."

I find this to be completely applicable to the struggle many of us Moho's have.  We are between two ropes, religious obligations pulling us one way, natural inclinations pulling in another way. 

Change is not an easy thing to embrace.  Often there are a wide range of emotions that roll over us when change occurs.  For me, there was a long time where I refused to change.  It wasn't willful, it was just how it was.  I do not remember those days with much fondness.  I didn't want to be in my situation, but I didn't want to change.  I was afraid to.  And I can truly testify that I felt dead.  What I lived through wasn't really living.  And I didn't want to live.  I would have rather died than change the parts of my life that were causing me so much frustration, pain, and anxiety.

Fortunately for me, God intervened.  I found something to help me, I found people to help me, and I found that I had the strength and courage to embrace a change.

John 11: 43-44
(43) And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.
(44) And he that was dead, came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin.  Jesus saith unto them, loose him, and let him go.

I have always loved the story of Lazarus.  It has always given me great hope and a very great sense of peace and comfort.

Life is good and it has much to offer, especially to those of us who are strong enough to be born both gay and into Mormon families.  It's an experience that isn't made for the weak or faint of heart.  I believe that we have been given the opportunity for our growth, and for the inherent courage that we have deep within our precious souls.  It is difficult and it is intense.  Sometimes it gets overwhelming.  But when we are in that place where it feels like something in us has died, we can return to the living through our Savior.  He has made it possible, especially for those of us who cry His name and beg for relief.  He was there for me.

Every day, I thank God for the infinite blessings He has seen fit to bestow upon me.  I have so many.  He gave me a good heart, a caring and compassionate personality, where I have deep concern for what happens within the fabric of mankind.  I have a good family, a family who is trying very hard to love me.  I have amazing people in my life who embrace me, and in turn help me embrace myself.  I was given the opportunity to find my soulmate, and I am so grateful that she loves me and is good to me, and that we can intertwine our lives for the better.  I am grateful for the sense of spirituality I have that allows my faith to be simple and sustaining while still being powerful and close to God.

I know that God gives us the ability to change, so we can live.  I know that Christ helps us find the ability to change, so we can live.  There is beauty all around, and we can find it when we live.

We can live.