I had a "family" table the other day at work. It was a lesbian couple, probably in their late forties, and an older lady. She was the mother of one of the lesbians.
She was the mother of the one in the wheelchair.
I wouldn't say she was a completely paralyzed from the neck down, but it wasn't a waist down paralysis. She had a powered wheelchair and she could maneuver it as she needed to without assistance. But she had limited use of her hands. She definitely relied on her companion (which I say because I hate the term "partner").
This was one of the nicest tables I've waited on. And it wasn't just because they were family. They were polite, they said thank you, they said please when they needed something, and they were pleasant to talk to. I didn't dread going to the table.
And to watch the love and devotion between these two...was just a privilege. To watch the one cut up food and feed it to her sweetheart, to watch her care for her, was so adorable.
As I watched them, all I could think of was, "how can people say that this is wrong? How can people say that these two shouldn't be married?" How many people, gay or straight, would stay? It can't be easy for the two of them. If I was in that situation, I imagine it would be downright difficult. But it's worth it to them. It doesn't matter that there are difficult times. They love each other. Period. And that is real love...complete devotion...being willing to do anything to be with the one you love.
When they left, the woman in the wheelchair was able to make her way towards the door under her own power. And the other? She helped the mother stand, gave her the cane she needed to walk, and let her lean on her arm as they headed towards the door.
I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. That's good people right there. That's what family is all about. And I hope I see them again.
30 August 2011
26 August 2011
180 Degrees
Years ago, I was not in a good place. Most of my days were gray. The sunlight lost its sparkle. Shadows followed me everywhere I went.
Then I went through a program to help me turn my life around. And it literally turned my life around.
I made a really good friend there. Lately, I've been thinking about something she said to me once.
"You were in one place. You were going in one direction. Then you started doing this, and you found a different direction. You turned 180 degrees. And the problem with that is, that everything and everyone that was in front of you before is now behind you. And they can choose to catch up with your new direction...or they get left behind."
I don't know why I've been thinking about her words. But I have. I've been thinking about the things that didn't catch up, the things that have been left behind.
I wish I knew why this was on my mind right now.
Then I went through a program to help me turn my life around. And it literally turned my life around.
I made a really good friend there. Lately, I've been thinking about something she said to me once.
"You were in one place. You were going in one direction. Then you started doing this, and you found a different direction. You turned 180 degrees. And the problem with that is, that everything and everyone that was in front of you before is now behind you. And they can choose to catch up with your new direction...or they get left behind."
I don't know why I've been thinking about her words. But I have. I've been thinking about the things that didn't catch up, the things that have been left behind.
I wish I knew why this was on my mind right now.
23 August 2011
When You Know Someone
It's easy to discount something you have no experience with. After all, you have no experience with it. You haven't touched it. You haven't observed it. You don't know its quirks, its disposition, how it reacts when poked with a stick.
Some people like to speculate, despite having no knowledge of the thing they are speculating about.
We like to do this. We like to think that we are informed authorities about things that we really know nothing about. We like to do this with people, probably more than anything else.
It's easy to lump everyone together and buy into a perpetuated stereotype. It's easy to say that all people with quality A and quality B are all alike. If you really stop to think about it, it's a little ridiculous, but it's easy to say that.
When you know someone who is gay, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be sympathetic towards gay people. When you know someone who gets sick, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be compassionate towards people who are sick. When you know someone who has an emotional issue, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be understanding towards people who struggle with their emotions.
When you're willing to reach out and know someone, suddenly it becomes a little easier to have love and compassion for your fellow man.
Some people like to speculate, despite having no knowledge of the thing they are speculating about.
We like to do this. We like to think that we are informed authorities about things that we really know nothing about. We like to do this with people, probably more than anything else.
It's easy to lump everyone together and buy into a perpetuated stereotype. It's easy to say that all people with quality A and quality B are all alike. If you really stop to think about it, it's a little ridiculous, but it's easy to say that.
When you know someone who is gay, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be sympathetic towards gay people. When you know someone who gets sick, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be compassionate towards people who are sick. When you know someone who has an emotional issue, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be understanding towards people who struggle with their emotions.
When you're willing to reach out and know someone, suddenly it becomes a little easier to have love and compassion for your fellow man.
22 August 2011
A Simple Explanation
I don't understand straight couples.
I was thinking this today as I waited for such a couple to make their decision about what they were having for dinner. They were young, married, sitting next to each other in the booth instead of across from each other. They were expecting a baby.
For some reason, I noticed how close she was to him, how she laid her hand on his arm, how she looked at him with such adoration.
I found myself wondering what that could possibly be like. What is it like to feel that way about a man?
The answer for me is that I don't know. It's a foreign concept. I can't imagine what it's like to feel that way about a man. I remember wondering why she would want to be that close to him. Well duh, it's because she loves him. She loves him enough to say that she'll spend her whole life with him, raise a family with him, give her heart to him and no one else.
She loves him the same way that I love my girlfriend. But she probably wouldn't understand me any more that I understood her in that moment.
She loves him. He loves her. I don't understand it at all.
In other cases such as my own, she loves her. He loves him. But some people don't understand it at all. In fact, they're not even willing to try.
I still don't understand straight couples. But I can see where they're coming from. It's because they love each other. Why do I stay with my girlfriend? Why do I want to be close to her? Why does she look at me with adoration? It's because we love each other.
It's amazing to me how simple love can be. It's a simple explanation to the questions and statements and life choices we don't understand. But sometimes we're just not willing to see how simple it really is. We're not willing to recognize that adoring look, and remember when we felt that way about someone, what it was like. We just love to make it complicated.
I was thinking this today as I waited for such a couple to make their decision about what they were having for dinner. They were young, married, sitting next to each other in the booth instead of across from each other. They were expecting a baby.
For some reason, I noticed how close she was to him, how she laid her hand on his arm, how she looked at him with such adoration.
I found myself wondering what that could possibly be like. What is it like to feel that way about a man?
The answer for me is that I don't know. It's a foreign concept. I can't imagine what it's like to feel that way about a man. I remember wondering why she would want to be that close to him. Well duh, it's because she loves him. She loves him enough to say that she'll spend her whole life with him, raise a family with him, give her heart to him and no one else.
She loves him the same way that I love my girlfriend. But she probably wouldn't understand me any more that I understood her in that moment.
She loves him. He loves her. I don't understand it at all.
In other cases such as my own, she loves her. He loves him. But some people don't understand it at all. In fact, they're not even willing to try.
I still don't understand straight couples. But I can see where they're coming from. It's because they love each other. Why do I stay with my girlfriend? Why do I want to be close to her? Why does she look at me with adoration? It's because we love each other.
It's amazing to me how simple love can be. It's a simple explanation to the questions and statements and life choices we don't understand. But sometimes we're just not willing to see how simple it really is. We're not willing to recognize that adoring look, and remember when we felt that way about someone, what it was like. We just love to make it complicated.
08 August 2011
The Gay Lifestyle
I've heard this term referenced a few times in the last few weeks. "The gay lifestyle." What even is that?
As a gay person, I find it to be a stereotypical tactic to portray gay people in yet another negative light. It refers to the partying, drug-taking, sleeping around and overly promiscuous sort of gay person. It's such an easily believable idea for the straight community, that often being gay can't mean anything except that you like to party and take drugs and have sex with every man or woman that you come in contact with, depending on which type you like.
But I have lots of straight twenty-something friends. They like to go to clubs on weekends and dance until their shoes come off. I know people who drink themselves into a coma on their days off, or take recreational drugs for a good time. I know straight people who enjoy one night stands.
Sounds familiar. Yet that kind of twenty-something scene isn't referred to as a "straight lifestyle." It's referred to as being young, not tied down, living it up. What's the difference?
And yet that doesn't mean that all straight people act that way. I know twenty-something straight people who are putting themselves through school, or have finished school and are just getting started on their careers. I also have married straight friends who are totally committed to their spouse and the life they are building together. They go to work, they go home at night, they hug their kids. They don't go out on the weekends. The strongest thing they drink is Pepsi.
What conclusion can we draw then? It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight. If you're young, you tend to be more unpredictable, more carefree or careless. When you grow up, you tend to be more responsible. That usually goes for anyone. Of course there are always exceptions. That's a given with most rules and most situations.
I am gay and I have a lifestyle. I'm even twenty-something. But instead of being basing my lifestyle on partying like there's no tomorrow, it goes something like this...
I have a job. I've had the same job for seven years. Over the summer I've been working five nights a week. That works out to be between 32 and 40 hours a week. After all, I've got bills to pay. And being an adult, it's important to me to get them paid on time.
There's been fun stuff too. I've had time to have movie nights with my friends. I have a season pass to Lagoon. We had fireworks for the 4th of July, both with family and with friends. I've been able to see my sisters and their families. I've watched a lot of soccer. I've been to a Bee's game. I've been to a couple of concerts. It's been a good summer.
But school will be starting again in about a week and a half, so that will change. I'm taking fifteen credit hours for this upcoming semester, so I'll be working at my job less and doing much more homework. The social things I've been doing over the summer will diminish. In fact, unless it's a super special occasion, the social things will drop out of my life completely.
And through it all, I have had, and I will have the love and support of my girlfriend. I will come home to her at night. She'll tell me that everything will be okay when I start to panic about school. She'll help quiz me when I'm studying for a test. We'll watch late night SportsCenter to unwind from the day. With the NFL season back on, we'll watch football on Sundays. It's fun at the house, because of NFL Sunday Ticket and the fact that there are six different teams with fans residing there. It sometimes gets rowdy. I'll volunteer to make her dinner when we get sick of fast food. I'll help her niece with her homework when I need a break from mine.
You know, it's really not a lifestyle at all. It's more like a life.
Yours might be different from mine, and I have no problem with people who like to go out and have a good time. I hope you know that I'm not bashing on what people do in their spare time. It is, after all, your spare time. And it's your life, no matter who you are or who you like.
Be yourself. Live your life. But don't buy into stereotypes. There's no such thing as "one size fits all" when it comes to preconceived notions.
As a gay person, I find it to be a stereotypical tactic to portray gay people in yet another negative light. It refers to the partying, drug-taking, sleeping around and overly promiscuous sort of gay person. It's such an easily believable idea for the straight community, that often being gay can't mean anything except that you like to party and take drugs and have sex with every man or woman that you come in contact with, depending on which type you like.
But I have lots of straight twenty-something friends. They like to go to clubs on weekends and dance until their shoes come off. I know people who drink themselves into a coma on their days off, or take recreational drugs for a good time. I know straight people who enjoy one night stands.
Sounds familiar. Yet that kind of twenty-something scene isn't referred to as a "straight lifestyle." It's referred to as being young, not tied down, living it up. What's the difference?
And yet that doesn't mean that all straight people act that way. I know twenty-something straight people who are putting themselves through school, or have finished school and are just getting started on their careers. I also have married straight friends who are totally committed to their spouse and the life they are building together. They go to work, they go home at night, they hug their kids. They don't go out on the weekends. The strongest thing they drink is Pepsi.
What conclusion can we draw then? It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight. If you're young, you tend to be more unpredictable, more carefree or careless. When you grow up, you tend to be more responsible. That usually goes for anyone. Of course there are always exceptions. That's a given with most rules and most situations.
I am gay and I have a lifestyle. I'm even twenty-something. But instead of being basing my lifestyle on partying like there's no tomorrow, it goes something like this...
I have a job. I've had the same job for seven years. Over the summer I've been working five nights a week. That works out to be between 32 and 40 hours a week. After all, I've got bills to pay. And being an adult, it's important to me to get them paid on time.
There's been fun stuff too. I've had time to have movie nights with my friends. I have a season pass to Lagoon. We had fireworks for the 4th of July, both with family and with friends. I've been able to see my sisters and their families. I've watched a lot of soccer. I've been to a Bee's game. I've been to a couple of concerts. It's been a good summer.
But school will be starting again in about a week and a half, so that will change. I'm taking fifteen credit hours for this upcoming semester, so I'll be working at my job less and doing much more homework. The social things I've been doing over the summer will diminish. In fact, unless it's a super special occasion, the social things will drop out of my life completely.
And through it all, I have had, and I will have the love and support of my girlfriend. I will come home to her at night. She'll tell me that everything will be okay when I start to panic about school. She'll help quiz me when I'm studying for a test. We'll watch late night SportsCenter to unwind from the day. With the NFL season back on, we'll watch football on Sundays. It's fun at the house, because of NFL Sunday Ticket and the fact that there are six different teams with fans residing there. It sometimes gets rowdy. I'll volunteer to make her dinner when we get sick of fast food. I'll help her niece with her homework when I need a break from mine.
You know, it's really not a lifestyle at all. It's more like a life.
Yours might be different from mine, and I have no problem with people who like to go out and have a good time. I hope you know that I'm not bashing on what people do in their spare time. It is, after all, your spare time. And it's your life, no matter who you are or who you like.
Be yourself. Live your life. But don't buy into stereotypes. There's no such thing as "one size fits all" when it comes to preconceived notions.
04 August 2011
July
July was a colossal blogging fail. But there's good reason for that. I've been enjoying my summer and there were some big things that happened in July.
I love soccer. I don't care that it isn't that popular here in the States. I love it and I love watching it. So I was preoccupied with the Women's World Cup that took place through June and July. The US Women's National Team had a great run. There were some pretty amazing matches (like the Brazil one, for instance) and I enjoyed watching them go all the way to the World Cup Final.
The World Cup Final was between the US and Japan. Japan had never before beaten the US. In the three matches that had been played between the two teams prior to the Final, the US won all three times. Japan had never before been to a World Cup Final. And it was one of the classiest matches I've ever had the privilege to watch. We scored, then they scored. So it went to extra time. Then we scored, then they scored. So it went to penalty kicks. And in penalty kicks, Japan won.
A silver medal is nothing to feel bad about. The US really dominated that match, Japan just scored when they needed to. I'm glad I got to see it.
Also preoccupying me was the launch and final mission of the space shuttle Atlantis. The shuttle program is now retired. I lost a lot of sleep for the duration of STS-135. I got up early to watch the launch and spent most of the week glued to NASA TV, getting mission updates and watching the astronauts in space. This mission was a resupply mission to the International Space Station. They were in space for 13 days.
The first thing I ever wanted to be was an astronaut and I have followed the space shuttle program over the course of my entire life. I'm really sad that it's over. But I'm glad I had the means to follow these last few missions.
And the other big thing was the release of A Dance With Dragons. This is the fifth book in A Song of Ice and Fire, by George R.R. Martin. You may have heard of Game of Thrones, which is the first book and has recently been an HBO series. These books are absolutely incredible and I can't get enough of them. GRRM has an amazing writing style and I highly recommend this series. Just be warned, it's not a PG series, but it's fantastic none the less.
So that was my July. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Hope you enjoyed your July too!
I love soccer. I don't care that it isn't that popular here in the States. I love it and I love watching it. So I was preoccupied with the Women's World Cup that took place through June and July. The US Women's National Team had a great run. There were some pretty amazing matches (like the Brazil one, for instance) and I enjoyed watching them go all the way to the World Cup Final.
A silver medal is nothing to feel bad about. The US really dominated that match, Japan just scored when they needed to. I'm glad I got to see it.
Also preoccupying me was the launch and final mission of the space shuttle Atlantis. The shuttle program is now retired. I lost a lot of sleep for the duration of STS-135. I got up early to watch the launch and spent most of the week glued to NASA TV, getting mission updates and watching the astronauts in space. This mission was a resupply mission to the International Space Station. They were in space for 13 days.
The first thing I ever wanted to be was an astronaut and I have followed the space shuttle program over the course of my entire life. I'm really sad that it's over. But I'm glad I had the means to follow these last few missions.
And the other big thing was the release of A Dance With Dragons. This is the fifth book in A Song of Ice and Fire, by George R.R. Martin. You may have heard of Game of Thrones, which is the first book and has recently been an HBO series. These books are absolutely incredible and I can't get enough of them. GRRM has an amazing writing style and I highly recommend this series. Just be warned, it's not a PG series, but it's fantastic none the less.
So that was my July. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Hope you enjoyed your July too!
09 July 2011
Different Places
Tonight was the night. Welcome back, Class of 2001. And I actually took the night off and went. I was nervous. I was anxious. I didn't really know what to expect, so I tried to keep any expectations that might have snuck up on me as low as possible.
I went alone. My girlfriend wasn't super thrilled with the idea of going back to high school, even if it's not the high school she went to. I can respect that. High school wasn't the best time in either of our lives. I hung out with one of my friends, who actually works with me at the restaurant, and his girlfriend. That, in and of itself, was kind of awkward. It's always good times being the third wheel. But I am really appreciative that they would let me sit at their table and converse with me.
I saw a lot of faces I recognized. But other than the entire building, I got the sense that not much had changed. I had been warned of this. Most people who have been to their ten year reunion say that it's still very reminiscent of high school. I've heard the big change comes for your twenty year, and I also hear that it's more enjoyable because people have changed.
I saw people still sitting in the same groups they mingled with in high school. I didn't do a whole lot of mingling myself. I talked with a few people, but found it very awkward feeling. I wasn't one of those kids who had a lot of friends in high school. I had a small group that I clung to. Seeing them was nice. But most of them are also friends with me on Facebook, so I'm pretty sure that most of them are aware that I have a girlfriend. Our conversations were pretty one-sided. I asked them questions about what they were up to, where they were living, how many kids they had...and they responded...and then there were awkward pauses, because they wouldn't ask me any questions in return. It was like they didn't know how to talk to me anymore.
I did spend a few minutes with a girl in my class who also has a girlfriend now. For those few minutes, it was normal. It was completely comfortable. And that's kind of funny, because I didn't spend probably any time at all with her in high school.
I didn't stay for the whole thing. I figured that I'm not in high school anymore. We aren't kids anymore. I'm 28 for crying out loud, I can leave if I feel like it.
As I think about it, there is still some disappointment that lingers. But I know that we're in different places. Most, from what I can tell, are focused on their families. They're married with kids. After all, that's the path that we were put upon and encouraged to walk down. So for the last ten years, that's what they've been doing. I started down that path but didn't continue. I took a different path. So we're not in the same place. Our priorities are not necessarily the same. It's not that either is more important, they're just different. And I don't know what they've been through in the last ten years, any more than they know what I've been through.
I can say that I'm glad I went, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I could. Perhaps when the 20 year reunion rolls around, our places won't be as far apart as they were tonight.
I went alone. My girlfriend wasn't super thrilled with the idea of going back to high school, even if it's not the high school she went to. I can respect that. High school wasn't the best time in either of our lives. I hung out with one of my friends, who actually works with me at the restaurant, and his girlfriend. That, in and of itself, was kind of awkward. It's always good times being the third wheel. But I am really appreciative that they would let me sit at their table and converse with me.
I saw a lot of faces I recognized. But other than the entire building, I got the sense that not much had changed. I had been warned of this. Most people who have been to their ten year reunion say that it's still very reminiscent of high school. I've heard the big change comes for your twenty year, and I also hear that it's more enjoyable because people have changed.
I saw people still sitting in the same groups they mingled with in high school. I didn't do a whole lot of mingling myself. I talked with a few people, but found it very awkward feeling. I wasn't one of those kids who had a lot of friends in high school. I had a small group that I clung to. Seeing them was nice. But most of them are also friends with me on Facebook, so I'm pretty sure that most of them are aware that I have a girlfriend. Our conversations were pretty one-sided. I asked them questions about what they were up to, where they were living, how many kids they had...and they responded...and then there were awkward pauses, because they wouldn't ask me any questions in return. It was like they didn't know how to talk to me anymore.
I did spend a few minutes with a girl in my class who also has a girlfriend now. For those few minutes, it was normal. It was completely comfortable. And that's kind of funny, because I didn't spend probably any time at all with her in high school.
I didn't stay for the whole thing. I figured that I'm not in high school anymore. We aren't kids anymore. I'm 28 for crying out loud, I can leave if I feel like it.
As I think about it, there is still some disappointment that lingers. But I know that we're in different places. Most, from what I can tell, are focused on their families. They're married with kids. After all, that's the path that we were put upon and encouraged to walk down. So for the last ten years, that's what they've been doing. I started down that path but didn't continue. I took a different path. So we're not in the same place. Our priorities are not necessarily the same. It's not that either is more important, they're just different. And I don't know what they've been through in the last ten years, any more than they know what I've been through.
I can say that I'm glad I went, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I could. Perhaps when the 20 year reunion rolls around, our places won't be as far apart as they were tonight.
06 July 2011
When I Think About Independence
We live in an amazing country.
There are men and women who die every day defending my freedom. I sit here now, a few days after our Independence Day, next to the woman I love. And I am free to love her. I am free to go to Pride celebrations and to celebrate when a state decides that it should be okay to have marriage equality. I am free to live where I do, to go to concerts, to earn money and spend it on whatever I want...although it mostly goes to bills.
I am free. I am proud to be an American. And I honor those who allow me these privileges.
Even though there are times when we are treated like second class citizens, I am still proud to be an American. For all the rights we don't have, we still have more than most.
Hope everyone had a fun and safe July 4th!
There are men and women who die every day defending my freedom. I sit here now, a few days after our Independence Day, next to the woman I love. And I am free to love her. I am free to go to Pride celebrations and to celebrate when a state decides that it should be okay to have marriage equality. I am free to live where I do, to go to concerts, to earn money and spend it on whatever I want...although it mostly goes to bills.
I am free. I am proud to be an American. And I honor those who allow me these privileges.
Even though there are times when we are treated like second class citizens, I am still proud to be an American. For all the rights we don't have, we still have more than most.
Hope everyone had a fun and safe July 4th!
03 July 2011
Quantity Vs Quality
Yesterday was an important day for me, and as taboo as it might be for me to share why, I'm going to do it anyway. I guess if you get squirmy you can read someone else's blog.
Yesterday marks three years since I last cut myself.
I think I've mentioned on this blog before that I was once involved with that behavior. Well, involved is probably a bit of an understatement. The reasons varied over the years but one thing was very consistent: there was always pain. Not just the obvious physical pain. There was so much emotional pain that it is indescribable to anyone who hasn't been in that place.
When I say "involved" what I mean is that it was part of my life for eleven years.
Three years compared to eleven years doesn't seem like very much. It was such a struggle to live through and for so many years I couldn't see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't believe that such a light existed. But the quality of my life has improved by at least eleven times in these last three years. It's so nice to not be miserable all the time. It hasn't been all smooth sailing and I've had days that have sucked but my life is better. It got better, and it gets better all the time.
I know it makes people uncomfortable but I think it's just because they don't often know how to react. I've had a little bit of courage lately and I haven't been wearing a jacket as much this summer. Short sleeves feel nice. It's not my intent to inspire awkwardness, even though it probably happens. I figure that I can be okay with where I've been. If someone wants to ask about it, I think it's good to talk about it. I have a story and I am willing to share it if you want to listen. I'm not afraid of my story.
I'm glad that this is just the beginning. Three years and counting, and every day counts.
Yesterday marks three years since I last cut myself.
I think I've mentioned on this blog before that I was once involved with that behavior. Well, involved is probably a bit of an understatement. The reasons varied over the years but one thing was very consistent: there was always pain. Not just the obvious physical pain. There was so much emotional pain that it is indescribable to anyone who hasn't been in that place.
When I say "involved" what I mean is that it was part of my life for eleven years.
Three years compared to eleven years doesn't seem like very much. It was such a struggle to live through and for so many years I couldn't see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't believe that such a light existed. But the quality of my life has improved by at least eleven times in these last three years. It's so nice to not be miserable all the time. It hasn't been all smooth sailing and I've had days that have sucked but my life is better. It got better, and it gets better all the time.
I know it makes people uncomfortable but I think it's just because they don't often know how to react. I've had a little bit of courage lately and I haven't been wearing a jacket as much this summer. Short sleeves feel nice. It's not my intent to inspire awkwardness, even though it probably happens. I figure that I can be okay with where I've been. If someone wants to ask about it, I think it's good to talk about it. I have a story and I am willing to share it if you want to listen. I'm not afraid of my story.
I'm glad that this is just the beginning. Three years and counting, and every day counts.
30 June 2011
Apologies
I have always been the type of person who reaches for an apology first. Whether the situation calls for it or not, I'm apologizing. Whether it was my fault or not, I'm apologizing. I don't know what it is that makes me over-apologize, but I do.
When I think about my family, the first thing I feel is a need to apologize. I want to tell them that I'm sorry.
Sometimes I think it's ridiculous. They don't apologize to me for being who they are. They just are. I don't think they think about it at all. But they also fit with the other people in the family. And they fit so neatly too.
Sometimes I can hear a part of me arguing that if I feel like apologizing, it must be because I feel guilty, and if I feel guilty, I must be doing something wrong. But in trying to analyze that situation, I've realized that I don't want to apologize because of what I'm doing or how I'm living. I want to apologize only because I feel like they expect something from me that I cannot give. I'm sorry that I can't meet that expectation. I'm sorry that I don't fit like everyone else does. I'm sorry that I feel like I have an amazing life that I can't share with them. I'm sorry that they don't understand.
But I'm not sorry for who I am.
I've found the peace I needed to accept myself and to be okay with who I am. I have to live with myself every day, and if I've done the self-hated thing before. I'm over it. I'd rather not go back. And I can live with who I am. More than that, I love it. I love being happy. I love it when I'm around friends and I can relax and be who I am. I love not having walls and barriers up, being able to have an unguarded conversation, not being nervous about the topics that will come up. And I love the people who love me enough to give me that safe space. It's a much needed space and I appreciate it so much.
Now I just need to learn to stop apologizing when I don't need to. I don't know what it will take to get over that urge to say I'm sorry, especially to my family, but I hope one day I can.
When I think about my family, the first thing I feel is a need to apologize. I want to tell them that I'm sorry.
Sometimes I think it's ridiculous. They don't apologize to me for being who they are. They just are. I don't think they think about it at all. But they also fit with the other people in the family. And they fit so neatly too.
Sometimes I can hear a part of me arguing that if I feel like apologizing, it must be because I feel guilty, and if I feel guilty, I must be doing something wrong. But in trying to analyze that situation, I've realized that I don't want to apologize because of what I'm doing or how I'm living. I want to apologize only because I feel like they expect something from me that I cannot give. I'm sorry that I can't meet that expectation. I'm sorry that I don't fit like everyone else does. I'm sorry that I feel like I have an amazing life that I can't share with them. I'm sorry that they don't understand.
But I'm not sorry for who I am.
I've found the peace I needed to accept myself and to be okay with who I am. I have to live with myself every day, and if I've done the self-hated thing before. I'm over it. I'd rather not go back. And I can live with who I am. More than that, I love it. I love being happy. I love it when I'm around friends and I can relax and be who I am. I love not having walls and barriers up, being able to have an unguarded conversation, not being nervous about the topics that will come up. And I love the people who love me enough to give me that safe space. It's a much needed space and I appreciate it so much.
Now I just need to learn to stop apologizing when I don't need to. I don't know what it will take to get over that urge to say I'm sorry, especially to my family, but I hope one day I can.
27 June 2011
Hope For Marriage
I am divorced. It wasn't how I planned it, but it is what it is.
My girlfriend is divorced. Not how she planned it either.
I know four couples who are currently getting divorced.
I know others who have been there and done that. I can't really speak as to what their plans were.
Sometimes, especially lately, I find myself wondering what's been happening to marriage. As a person who also happens to be gay, I have heard that I somehow have something to do with the disintegration of marriage in this society.
I don't think so.
In the case of my friends who are going through divorces, their decisions to end their marriages has nothing to do with anyone who is gay. It has to do with a lack of commitment, a lot of selfishness in the one case (but to spare you from a moment of epic profanity, I won't go into it further), and variables that I have no knowledge of. Rightfully so. What happens in someone else's marriage is really none of my business.
Most of you are aware that New York just voted in favor of marriage equality. In listening to Governor Cuomo's comments on Anderson Cooper, I was really impressed with him. He said something about marriage equality that I thought was especially true:
"Marriage Equality. I said to the legislators, 'you look at the first word, marriage. It's really about the second word, equality.'"
I would bet most people only focus on the first word. They're so intent on keeping marriage between a man and a woman. But I would think that if they were really wanting to preserve traditional marriage, maybe they could teach that man and that woman that divorce shouldn't be your first response when things don't progress in a fairytale-like manner.
I thought that once I got married, I would always be married. I was wrong in the case of my ex-husband. I admit that I am better off not being married to him. I know he's better off not being married to me. And I know that there are circumstances where the benefits of separating outweigh the complications of staying together. I wish my ex the best. I really hope he's happy now.
If I was to get married again, that would be it. There would never be another option. I would be married, I would be committed, I would work to keep my marriage as happy, wholesome, and strong as I possibly could. I'm not as young as I was when I was first married, which is probably why I would also make sure that I was ready to be a wife again.
As of this moment, I know that I'm not ready to be married again. Neither is my girlfriend. But it's sure nice to know that if there ever comes a day when we are, there's one more place we can go that will accept us and our love just as we are. That gives me hope. Most human beings want the same thing when it comes to love. We want the chance to find that one special person. We want to have that relationship that is so amazing, we never want to see it end. We want to keep it and nurture it and help it grow. We want to love and be loved.
Some say that gay marriage can't work. These days, it seems like straight marriages aren't working either. But still, I have hope for marriage, marriage of any kind. I hope that one day it will be an option for me that won't inspire such a rowdy debate. I hope that the current divorce rate starts getting lower instead of higher. Marriage does and should mean something. In my opinion, it shouldn't be something that you just cast aside.
On the day that New York voted yes, I had a table at work that came to celebrate their 58th wedding anniversary. They hadn't run out of things to talk about. They held hands across the table. I could see that each of them was looking at the person who was most important to them. I thought that was pretty awesome.
In August, my girlfriend and I will be celebrating two amazing years together. My biggest hope is that we make it to 58...or more.
My girlfriend is divorced. Not how she planned it either.
I know four couples who are currently getting divorced.
I know others who have been there and done that. I can't really speak as to what their plans were.
Sometimes, especially lately, I find myself wondering what's been happening to marriage. As a person who also happens to be gay, I have heard that I somehow have something to do with the disintegration of marriage in this society.
I don't think so.
In the case of my friends who are going through divorces, their decisions to end their marriages has nothing to do with anyone who is gay. It has to do with a lack of commitment, a lot of selfishness in the one case (but to spare you from a moment of epic profanity, I won't go into it further), and variables that I have no knowledge of. Rightfully so. What happens in someone else's marriage is really none of my business.
Most of you are aware that New York just voted in favor of marriage equality. In listening to Governor Cuomo's comments on Anderson Cooper, I was really impressed with him. He said something about marriage equality that I thought was especially true:
"Marriage Equality. I said to the legislators, 'you look at the first word, marriage. It's really about the second word, equality.'"
I would bet most people only focus on the first word. They're so intent on keeping marriage between a man and a woman. But I would think that if they were really wanting to preserve traditional marriage, maybe they could teach that man and that woman that divorce shouldn't be your first response when things don't progress in a fairytale-like manner.
I thought that once I got married, I would always be married. I was wrong in the case of my ex-husband. I admit that I am better off not being married to him. I know he's better off not being married to me. And I know that there are circumstances where the benefits of separating outweigh the complications of staying together. I wish my ex the best. I really hope he's happy now.
If I was to get married again, that would be it. There would never be another option. I would be married, I would be committed, I would work to keep my marriage as happy, wholesome, and strong as I possibly could. I'm not as young as I was when I was first married, which is probably why I would also make sure that I was ready to be a wife again.
As of this moment, I know that I'm not ready to be married again. Neither is my girlfriend. But it's sure nice to know that if there ever comes a day when we are, there's one more place we can go that will accept us and our love just as we are. That gives me hope. Most human beings want the same thing when it comes to love. We want the chance to find that one special person. We want to have that relationship that is so amazing, we never want to see it end. We want to keep it and nurture it and help it grow. We want to love and be loved.
Some say that gay marriage can't work. These days, it seems like straight marriages aren't working either. But still, I have hope for marriage, marriage of any kind. I hope that one day it will be an option for me that won't inspire such a rowdy debate. I hope that the current divorce rate starts getting lower instead of higher. Marriage does and should mean something. In my opinion, it shouldn't be something that you just cast aside.
On the day that New York voted yes, I had a table at work that came to celebrate their 58th wedding anniversary. They hadn't run out of things to talk about. They held hands across the table. I could see that each of them was looking at the person who was most important to them. I thought that was pretty awesome.
In August, my girlfriend and I will be celebrating two amazing years together. My biggest hope is that we make it to 58...or more.
25 June 2011
Here
It's nearly four in the afternoon. I have to be to work by five. I should probably start to get ready or something. But I'd rather just sit here.
It's a warm day outside. The sun in shining and the boys are doing yardwork. It's a good day to sit on the porch and swap stories. I know that in an hour, I will be stuck in a hot restaurant until long after the sun goes down. So for now, I'd rather just sit here.
I'm comfortable, just lounging. And from where I sit, I can see my girlfriend. I can hear the music she's playing as she puts on her makeup. She has the same routine and I can tell you what she's probably doing without actually seeing what she's doing. Soon she'll be doing her hair. Then she'll finish the rest of her makeup. Then she'll ask me how she looks. She says hi to me when she catches me looking at her. She's adorable.
As I sit here, and I think about her, as I watch her and feel the love I have for her, it just makes sense. I love her. It's that simple. So I'd rather just sit here.
It's a warm day outside. The sun in shining and the boys are doing yardwork. It's a good day to sit on the porch and swap stories. I know that in an hour, I will be stuck in a hot restaurant until long after the sun goes down. So for now, I'd rather just sit here.
I'm comfortable, just lounging. And from where I sit, I can see my girlfriend. I can hear the music she's playing as she puts on her makeup. She has the same routine and I can tell you what she's probably doing without actually seeing what she's doing. Soon she'll be doing her hair. Then she'll finish the rest of her makeup. Then she'll ask me how she looks. She says hi to me when she catches me looking at her. She's adorable.
As I sit here, and I think about her, as I watch her and feel the love I have for her, it just makes sense. I love her. It's that simple. So I'd rather just sit here.
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