31 December 2011

Yes I Am

Tonight was not a good night at work.  People were generally rude and inconsiderate and being already sensitive with my other stresses, I was not enjoying my evening.  It was like a general sense of heaviness was sitting in my chest.  When you count on your personality and interacting with people to make you money, this isn't a good thing.

And then...

I went to greet a new table.  It was a couple.  And she was beautiful.  Short, dark hair, olive colored skin, big brown eyes.  And even better, she was very nice, polite, and very engaging.  The guy she was with had a personality to match.  It was an awesome table.

And suddenly, I felt much better.  After I took their drink order, I felt lighter.  Nothing like a pretty girl to brighten the night.

30 December 2011

Don't Look Down

So I need to have a conversation with my parents and I'm not really looking forward to it.

I'm still gay and it's not changing.  I've still got a girlfriend, and it's not changing.  So my girlfriend and I are making changes that focus on the fact that we're still together and we're going to be together for a very long time.  And it's time to have a conversation with the parents before the moving van shows up to get my stuff on Tuesday.

I've been having mixed feelings about possible consequences.  I know that I haven't turned out in a way that is ideal for my parents.  I still want to make them proud.  I try to live in a good and honest way and hope that this will somehow make up for the parts of my life that we don't talk about at family parties.

Part of me thinks that maybe it's time to get over the unrealistic expectation that someday I'll be good enough as I am when it comes to my family.  That sounds harsher than how I feel it is, but I think it also describes where I'm at right now.  I know that me and my girlfriend will never be seen in the same way that my sisters are with their husbands.  I get it.  And I can't let that stop me from living my life.

Now, I'm not looking to be disrespectful when it comes to the religious beliefs of my family.  I think it's great that they can go to church every Sunday, study, learn, teach, do all of it.  I have no problem with it.  In fact, I want them to.  I know that there are some parents who decide that if their child can't be accepted by a religion, they'll leave it.  That's great for them.  But I believe that this is something that would be detrimental to my parents and my sisters, and so I'm happy that they stay.  I'm happy that they make decision in their lives that better their lives.  I'm happy that they're happy.  The Church enriches their lives and I appreciate that.  I would never ask them to turn their back on something that they truly and deeply care about.

And I genuinely feel that way.  I don't extend that sentiment for the sole purpose of hoping for the same courtesy in return (although it would be nice).  I can be happy that my family is happy, even when they find joy in a path that I found sorrow in.  I'm not jealous about it, I'm not upset about it.  I am really okay with it, which surprises me sometimes, but I am.

So why is it that I find myself so concerned with this next step in my life?  I find myself thinking that my girlfriend and I have been together for two and a half years, that we're building our life together, that we're seriously committed to each other.  The more this doesn't change, the more I think my family will just get used to it.  But is it selfish to ask them to just get used to it?  But then, why should I sacrifice my own purpose and happiness and comfort so they can be more comfortable?  Is it wrong to feel like I have the right to sleep at night?

I hate walking this tightrope.  But I suppose the best way to get from one point to another is to not look down, and not look back.  I'm hoping I can find a way to make the best of an uncomfortable conversation and the consequences, good or bad, will be bearable.

27 December 2011

Welcome to the Jungle

Apologies that it's been so long since I last posted.  My life has been a little busy and crazy and some days I don't even know which way is up.  So I thought that while I'm on break from school, I would let you know what I've been up to.

School.  School school school.  I changed schools after I got my Associate's Degree and the institution where I'm at now requires much more work that my last school.  I think my social life disintegrated completely.  I went to school, I went to work, and I did a lot of homework.  I think that's the majority of my life.  Oh, but I did let myself watch TV while I ate.  Your brain needs a rest every now and then.

But I'm also really enjoying school, a lot more than I did at the other university.  I'm having to work more but I'm learning more.  I like the teaching style better.  And it helps that I'm finally in my major, so all my classes are applicable.  It makes them much more interesting.  Even better, I got two A's and two A-'s for the semester.  Yay!

I'm still at the restaurant and this week is one of the busiest of the year.  Everyone is redeeming gift cards and we'll be on a wait pretty much every day this week.  I'm putting in more hours now that I have more hours to give.

Sounds pretty boring, huh?

Of course, I'm always thinking, thinking, thinking.  I've thought of many blog posts over the last few months.  I'm hoping that I can find time to put some of these thoughts out there, really look at them and make sense of what's going through my mind.  After all, that's one of the great things about this blog.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and that you all will have a wonderful 2012.  Love you all!