29 November 2010

What I Am Thankful For

I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  My Thanksgiving this year was different from any Thanksgiving I've had.  It was new and almost weird, but it gave me time to really reflect on what I'm grateful for.

First, I'm so grateful for my wonderful girlfriend.  She is amazing and amazingly good to me.  I hate my job, but I love that it brought us together.  We laugh often, we fight very rarely.  We love each other and I can't imagine my life without her.  More importantly, I don't want to.  I really feel like she's my soulmate and I'm so thankful that she is.

Second, I'm thankful for the presence of God in my life.  I see His influence in so many small but significant ways and it continues to amaze me.

I'm really grateful for my family.  They have made such leaps and strides in the last year.  Last Thanksgiving, it was a massacre, complete with tears and guilt.  In the last year, I have seen how they have really made an effort to understand me and to still show their love for me.  It is a miracle as far as I'm concerned, and I love each and every one of them.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school.  If I had my way, I wouldn't work, I'd just be a student.  I love being on campus, I love learning, I don't always love homework but I do love the opportunity it gives me to learn more and to incorporate knowledge in my life.  I love that school helps me feel like I'm doing something important and going somewhere beyond a restaurant.

I'm glad that I got to spend Thanksgiving with my new family, and I'm grateful for their acceptance of me.  I love my girlfriend's Mom.  She is such an amazing person and I know she has one of the biggest hearts in the world.  I'm glad that my girlfriend's brothers are awesome and I love watching the the four of them with my girl.  They are an awesome family.

I have so much more that I could list, but those are the big ones.  I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and going into Christmas, I hope I can continue to remember how blessed I am.

18 November 2010

Be Who You Are

I was on the Affirmation website last night and I stumbled upon a memorial for someone I went to junior high with.  I knew him.  His name was Marshall Myers.  Two years ago, he killed himself.

I wish I had a loud voice or a blog that was read by millions, so I could shout and tell everyone that
it really is completely okay to just be who you are.

Yes, you might be rejected by some, but
by others.  I mean, you could be rejected for being a BYU fan these days, or liking the Jazz, or being a Democrat. 
But none of that is worth your life
You are worth more than what ignorant people will tell you
You are beautiful.

You are here for a purpose and the world is less without you.  There are so many people who are willing to stand around you and be your support and show you a world you can't even dream of.  It's okay to be happy.  It's okay to live.  It's okay to be who you are.
Please don't give up.

17 November 2010

I Hate Sheryl Crow

Or more accurately, I hate what Sheryl Crow invokes the memory of. 

For those of you who have followed my blog since the beginning, you know that in the process of coming out, there was only one friend that I lost.  We had been friends since high school, which was about nine years, and roommates for four of those.  It was unfortunate, but it happened.  It has now been about sixteen months since I spoke with her.  The last communication I had from her was an email...which we won't really talk about.

Her favorite music was the musical stylings of Sheryl Crow.  Non-stop.  Road trips, cleaning the house, running the errands, Sheryl Crow.  Of course, mixed in with other things, but a lot of Sheryl Crow.  I even went to her concert with my friend because she couldn't find anyone else to go with her.  At that point, I didn't mind the music but it wasn't my favorite.  I had an okay time at the concert so it wasn't a complete loss.

Now she's definitely not my favorite.

I know that I am still bothered about the way our friendship ended.  There were a lot of things that went unresolved I suppose.  There are things I wish I would have said, but after the email, I decided that it would be better to just not respond.  After all, the Golden Rule teaches us that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

I hate that every silver Honda Civic makes me remember her.  I hate that Sheryl Crow plays on the muzak channel at work.  It's really annoying to me.  She was my friend for nine years and in the end, she treated me like someone she had known for nine weeks.  I don't want to be reminded of her anymore.  I don't want to think about her anymore.

So why am I?


16 November 2010

The Verdict

So I've had time to ponder my blog and its place in my life.  I know I'm not the first to have the "blogging identity crisis" and I'm sure I won't be the last.  But I think I know where I'm at now.  Here's what I've been thinking about.

First: it's times like this where I wish I had a web camera so that I could accurately portray my mood and tone of voice.  Alas, the technology for that escapes me for now.  So I'm left with the disclaimer approach, which goes something like this...

I am a passive person, sometimes referred to as a peace-maker.  Conflict is not my game.  None of what I write here is written in the spirit of anger, resentment, frustration, anything like that.  It is just how I would say it if I were talking with a friend, and that's the tone that I most often use when writing on my blogs.  If I'm all fired up about something, usually I will make mention of that.  Not the case with this post.

Second: this blog is really important to me.  I know that being able to write about my feelings and my experiences has helped me work through some of the negative issues that I have personally come across.  Being a part of a blogging community has also helped me immensely, because I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who feels this way or deals with the religious ripple effect, and I've been able to meet some really great people in the "real world" because of it.

Third: I still have things I want to say and write and put out there.  I feel this is important because, for whatever reason, there are more male Moho's than female Moho's.  To be a voice and to be a potential point of hope for someone is a great honor and privilege to me. 

Fourth: This is my blog and will own that.  If you are unhappy with anything you've read, don't hesitate to contact me and we can discuss it.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion and feelings and I'm totally on board with that.  Know that I will give you and your opinion respect if you return the favor.  If you continue to be unhappy with my posts and my thoughts and what I put on here, by all means, please don't read.  It won't hurt my feelings. 

To my unintended audience, I think you can guess who you are, allow me a few words.  Perhaps the knowledge of me that comes from this blog is a surprise to you.  Perhaps it's not.  Regardless, I am who I am and this is the path I am embracing.  Maybe you thought you knew me all those years, but there were so many things I never shared.  I was miserable.  I was hurting myself.  I was suicidal.  I hated everything and everyone because I was so unhappy.  That's not a way to live.  I am not that way anymore.  I am happy.  For the first time in so very long, I love my life!  I feel like I've solved the mystery that hung over my head all those years.  I feel whole and complete.  I know that God loves me and He is still very much a part of my life.  I invite Him daily to be with me and I feel His presence.  I do not consider myself wayward or corrupt or evil.  I am proud of who I am.  If you don't like that, you don't have to.  I'm not asking you to congratulate me.  I hope that whatever stereotypes or ideas you have about gay people, you will remember that I am not a stereotype and I am not typical, and being gay is not a curse or a crime or a reason to hate.  I am just me, mostly like you have always known, except with more sunlight in my life now. 

My life is good and I enjoy it.  And I'm going to keep blogging so I can share that joy.  Come with me, if you like.

03 November 2010

Could This Be The End?

I haven't been blogging much lately because I feel like there's been some drama.  I am a person who is not about conflict and drama at all, and I hate that there has been drama.  I understand it, I understand my part in it, I accept that, but I don't have to like it. 

This is mostly because it has come to my attention that I have an audience that I perhaps did not plan on.  I've been in a place of indecision and hesitation because of this.  I am a person who is still very much a work in progress, I still have a lot of insecurities (even though I'm working on it), and news of these potential readers has put me into a sort of limbo.  I've been weighing choices and consequences and trying to determine what I should do with this blog. 

I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings, my thoughts, and my reactions to the world I live in.  That may not be the same world that you live in.  The things I write are purely my perception, and not much else.  I don't think that this blog reaches a particularly large audience, but maybe I'm wrong on that. 

I have really enjoyed having this blog.  I really enjoy being a part of a blogging community and reading the blogs of other people who share similar circumstances.  That has been such a blessing for me.

So I don't know what to do yet.  I'm still in the middle of the arguments.  I really don't want to stop blogging.  But I need to figure out what to do and where to go from here. 

I hope it isn't the end.