29 July 2009

This Is Not Easy

I was lucky enough to have my Great-Grandma for 26 years. This last Sunday, she passed away at the age of 99.

It was such a privilege to know her and to have her in my life. She was spunky right until the last two months or so. Relying on my faith, I'm grateful that she's with her husband again. My great-grandfather died fifty years ago, so I never knew him, but I know that she missed him a lot. I know that she watched so many people come and go, and it was difficult for her to be left behind for so long. The last couple years or so, she would comment that she missed people. I think she was ready to go too. I will miss her, and at the same time, I'm really happy for her. Knowing her changed me for good.

My Great-Grandma was not a member of the LDS Church. Since I have two sisters, my mom has already planned out which of us is doing which ordinance next year, when temple work for my Great-Grandma is tentatively penciled in.

My temple recommend expired last December. My parents know this and my mom has told me that I have a year to get it back. I'm sure she thinks it's just a matter of me making an appointment with my branch president. Not so much.

When the work was done for my Great-Grandfather, it was a really powerful spiritual experience for my Grandma, and they feel like he's accepted it. So I think it will be a good thing to have to work also done for my Great-Grandma. And I would like to be a part of it. But if I work towards getting my temple recommend back just for that...is that doing it for the wrong reasons?

I don't know if I want it back for me. I haven't missed having a temple recommend. I believe that there's work to be done, and I also believe that I am probably not the person for that job, because of my attitude and my personal feelings lately about the Church. I don't think that's fair for the person who's receiving the blessings of the temple on the other side of the veil. They should have a proxy who's all pumped up about it, in my opinion.

Of course, I'd prefer to be so lucky. On the other side, you can accept the Gospel without having to put up with the people and the politics.

Maybe this isn't the best week to be trying to figure all this out. There's still a lot of planning before the funeral on Tuesday. But as much as I try to push it away, it's still weighing on me. And it isn't easy.

27 July 2009

The Updated Amy

I'm officially moved out! Yay! Unfortunately, I'm not officially unpacked. That takes much more time than packing. But I'm here, I'm done with the apartment, and it's not even the last day of the month.

Because of how everything went down with my old roommate, the options I was hoping to have didn't really exist. This is probably because I was planning for JANUARY and not JULY. So since I can't afford to find a place all by myself, yet, I had to move back home. This is not such a bad thing. Slightly inconvenient to be living with the parents again, but not entirely bad. In fact, I've made a list so that I can remind myself of the good stuff if I get frustrated with the situation.

--I have my very own bathroom. And the hot water lasts longer than 7 minutes.
--I can listen to more than half a song on the way to work. It's more like three or four.
--I don't have to listen to the people upstairs yelling at their kid in the middle of the night.
--I don't have to listen to the people downstairs getting frisky. Ew.
--I can save money! This is a big one. I can pay for school, I can pay off my car, and maybe save some cash in the process.
--I know that it's short term. I'm not going to be living here forever.
--my parents turn into pumpkins before 11:00. I don't get home from work until right around then, sometimes later, so I'll have time to myself.
--my mom is a big fan of keeping the refrigerator stocked.
--it's familiar. I lived here for eleven years before, and even though I'm in a different room now, it still feels like home.

All positive points. And who knows, maybe being back home will allow me to cultivate a better relationship with my parents, which might make it easier to tell them my truth...eventually.

19 July 2009


This is just a quick post to let you know that I might not be able to blog much for the next two weeks or so. I'm still here and I still plan on being here in the future.

There's been a lot of drama with my roommate and I'm moving out. I had planned on moving out when the lease was up, which wasn't until January, but things have just been like TNT the last week, so I'm moving now. Have to be out by the first.

For the most part, I feel like I handled everything with my roommate the best I could, and I think this is going to be better in the long run. However, I can't get this nagging suspicion out of my mind that this is going down now because I told her I was gay. That was two weeks ago and since then, it's just been a nightmare out of no where.

Oh well.

I'll keep you posted...I'm just not sure when.

18 July 2009

The Exceptions To My Rules

I am getting better at accepting the fact that I am gay. It's just who I am and most of the time it's really starting to feel okay. I like girls more than guys. That's just how I roll.

I do have three exceptions though, where if the planets happened to align just right and our paths crossed, I would just completely melt into a puddle. The lucky guys (ha ha) are Deron Williams of the Utah Jazz, actor Craig Olejnik, and Brandon Boyd of Incubus. It would be four, but Heath Ledger died. Sad day. :(

Thursday night was the Incubus concert and it was the such an amazing show! I'm still smiling about it! There's nothing like seeing your favorite band on the stage and having the chance to sing along with your favorite singer. That would be Brandon Boyd. He's nice to look at, but I think what attracts me the most about him is his artistic nature. He's so poetic, musical, creative, just talented. Seriously, he can sing to me anytime.

An added bonus: lots of hot girls like Incubus too. It was an excellent night for me. :)

16 July 2009

A Split Second

I had a chance to catch up with my mom today. I stopped by their house because I was so unbelievably pissed with my roommate and couldn't be at home anymore. That's a story for another time though.

In the course of our conversation, she mentioned to me that it really, really bothers my dad that I don't date. It bothers him even more that I have absolutely no interest in dating. My mom isn't sure why that is. Her standpoint is that if someone comes along, that's great. But if not, she hopes that she raised us to know that we can stand on our own and support ourselves and be just fine. She also said that she couldn't imagine the kind of pain that comes with a divorce and she understood that it would take time before I'd want to reach out and trust someone again.

Also, I guess my dad is really hopeful that I'll meet someone when I start school again in the fall. I'm not opposed to it. It wouldn't be someone they'd expect me to bring home, that's for sure.

So for a moment, a split second probably is all, I considered telling my mother why I have no interest in dating (as far as their definition of dating).

Of course I didn't. But maybe a split second of consideration instead of immediate dismissal is progress.

13 July 2009

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

So I believe I mentioned in my last post that I have been feeling like the Gospel and the Church are two separate things in my mind. Today I also realized that I no longer consider myself to be a part of the LDS Church. I'm still a member. Yet it's not my church anymore.

This has been a long time coming. Since I was ten, I have hated going to Church. I don't like the feeling that I have when I am there. I feel terrible and I can't wait to escape.

I don't enjoy hearing that if someone isn't LDS, then they can't truly be a good person, or can't really be happy, or they are lost and must be saved, whatever and etc.

I've done a lot of thinking and soul-searching during this past year. Because of that, I feel like now I am more prepared to make these decisions for myself. Consequently, I don't feel like I can be a part of a church that hinders my right to spiritual experiences and my sacred relationship with my Creator. I think there is something amiss when I feel like my church does not, cannot, and will not value me as much as He does. If spirituality is important to me, then I have every right to strive towards God and pursue and participate in things that uplift me spiritually. No one can take that away from me, nor should they. I have appreciated the role the LDS Church has played in my life until recently, and I fully understood the good it does and can do for people. But perhaps it isn't for me.

I am at a place where I feel like it's time to make some decisions. I think I'm going to explore the possibility of finding a new church to attend. I'd like to see what else is out there and if I feel any differently in a different congregation. I am looking for a place where faith is celebrated, and all are welcomed, and people practice what they preach. Maybe it's out there, maybe it's not...but if I don't look, I'll never find it.

Ultimately, my faith is my own, and my relationship with God is my own. I do not believe I will be punished for following my heart, because it is the heart that He gave me.

I might be wandering, but for the first time in a long time, I absolutely do not feel lost.

12 July 2009


TEST: the things we face to prove ourselves to God, given to us by God
TRIAL: the things we face as consequences of our mortal state and the temptations/sins that come with this state of existence
TRIBULATION: the things we face as consequences of the decisions of others

The Main Street Plaza issue is just the latest train wreck between gay people and the LDS Church.

Lately I've been thinking about the relationship between the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Lately I am sensing a rift. It always used to bother me when people would get up in testimony meeting and say "I know this Church is true," because I feel like your faith is based on the Gospel and not the Institution promoting it.

I feel like I am at a place where I cannot go to church. It's not just that I don't go anymore. It's that I won't go anymore.

I feel like my time and effort for things of a spiritual nature are better served in studying on my own and learning on my own. I believe in the Gospel and I'm grateful that I have it in my life.

The issues between the Church and the gay community are not going to go away. As more Mormons stand up for themselves and let others know that even the LDS Church is not immune to gay members, I'm worried that it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Sometimes I wonder where the greater test of faith is. Is it for us--to endure to the end and weather the heartache that comes with feeling hated and striving to support a church that doesn't support us? Or is it for them--to open their arms and be charitable to people they don't understand, but people who are children of God nonetheless, despite what is being read over the pulpit?

Regardless, the test is here.

There's only one question.

11 July 2009

To The Monster Under My Bed That Is Organized Religion...

Which straw will be the last straw?

When is enough just enough?

Where is the point of no return?

Why does it feel like "the worth of a soul is great" only when it's convenient and fits your mold?

Why does it seem like there are better reasons to leave than to stay?

Why do I feel like I've reached my limit with you?

09 July 2009

Just Noticing

It never used to bother me that I didn't date. I had no desire to date guys, and still don't, so I just figured that was that, no dating, the end. Having been in denial for so long about being gay, I guess this isn't really surprising.

Now that I understand myself better, I'm noticing that I actually would like to date. I know it's not in line with Church teachings, not how I was raised, maybe it's a slippery slope, whatever and etc. But I'm noticing it.

When I thought there was no other option, this was not an issue. Dating wasn't fun for me and since I didn't spend a lot of time worrying about it, I didn't go out much. I never really understood what was so great about it. Now though, part of me feels like I've been missing out on something. So I'd like to see how it would be to date a girl. I'd like to see how it is to have a real connection with someone, to look forward to going out, to really enjoy time spent with another person when it's just the two of you and supposed to be slightly special.

Nobody panic yet...I'm not saying that I've made the decision to find a girlfriend. I'm just saying that it's an appealing thought that I'm not acting on. I'm just noticing it.

Holy Fetch

Need a little amusement in your day?

http://www.holyfetch.com is a website for Mormon Urban Legends, finding the truth behind all those Mormon myths.

It's a good place to visit if you're bored. Very entertaining.

06 July 2009

One Size Fits Most

The web of lies a person will weave for protection can sometimes become their very undoing.

There comes a point where the truth can no longer be denied, no matter what you tell yourself. You can look in the mirror and not recognize the person you see. And that's the day where you think "I can't do this anymore, I can't live a lie, I have to be myself for my own sake and sanity." And that's like flipping a switch. You can see that there is truth glimmering from beyond the things you've tangled yourself in, and even if it's not what you thought it would be, it's better than being trapped. Moving towards it is really an easy choice.

You experience a little freedom. You can move again. You find that maybe there is some joy left in life, and it comes from knowing and being who you are. You can breathe again. And this is wonderful!

But then, you're around friends and family who have been trained to see the threads that you've carefully created for them, and that's all they see. They don't know your truth. They don't know that you want to stand in it and live in it and be the person who has been trapped underneath all this time. How could they?

Suddenly you find that you have shrugged right back into those lies.

Someone says "you really need to find a guy." It feels like they're handing you that new pair of shoes from the first day of eighth grade, which were great at the time and let you fit in with the crowd, but now you've outgrown them. They give them to you and want you to wear them because it looks good to them, it looks normal, it looks...

...exactly how you wanted it to look.

And you don't know how to tell them that it's uncomfortable and painful to not be able to walk or run or dance. It's killing you to stand still, but that's all you can do. You can't move.

And you want to scream because it feels like it's your fault. You were the one who created that tapestry of lies that looks so good. And now, you want something different, but you don't know how to find it. You want someone to listen and really hear you, because then they might see that they can help you be closer to yourself. You want someone to listen so they might understand that it's better for you to be free of those lies. You want someone to really see you, so they might say that it's okay to wear adidas shoes in the right size.

It turns out that there's a vast difference between knowing who you are and being who you are.

One is a size 7 1/2 and is starting to feel very comfortable.

The other is a size 5. But I guess it sure looks nice.

05 July 2009

Sleepy Face

This last week was one of those weeks that are just absolutely booked. Between work and the festivities of the holiday and just life, I'm exhausted. I'm sleeping okay, just not getting a lot of time to actually sleep. And I've noticed something about being as tired as I am right now.

I think I'm more gay when I'm tired. Well, I think I just get lazy about checking my thoughts and eyes and dreams.

Clearly, when I'm really rested, I keep myself on a tighter leash.

Sometimes it's nice to just be tired.