29 July 2009

This Is Not Easy

I was lucky enough to have my Great-Grandma for 26 years. This last Sunday, she passed away at the age of 99.

It was such a privilege to know her and to have her in my life. She was spunky right until the last two months or so. Relying on my faith, I'm grateful that she's with her husband again. My great-grandfather died fifty years ago, so I never knew him, but I know that she missed him a lot. I know that she watched so many people come and go, and it was difficult for her to be left behind for so long. The last couple years or so, she would comment that she missed people. I think she was ready to go too. I will miss her, and at the same time, I'm really happy for her. Knowing her changed me for good.

My Great-Grandma was not a member of the LDS Church. Since I have two sisters, my mom has already planned out which of us is doing which ordinance next year, when temple work for my Great-Grandma is tentatively penciled in.

My temple recommend expired last December. My parents know this and my mom has told me that I have a year to get it back. I'm sure she thinks it's just a matter of me making an appointment with my branch president. Not so much.

When the work was done for my Great-Grandfather, it was a really powerful spiritual experience for my Grandma, and they feel like he's accepted it. So I think it will be a good thing to have to work also done for my Great-Grandma. And I would like to be a part of it. But if I work towards getting my temple recommend back just for that...is that doing it for the wrong reasons?

I don't know if I want it back for me. I haven't missed having a temple recommend. I believe that there's work to be done, and I also believe that I am probably not the person for that job, because of my attitude and my personal feelings lately about the Church. I don't think that's fair for the person who's receiving the blessings of the temple on the other side of the veil. They should have a proxy who's all pumped up about it, in my opinion.

Of course, I'd prefer to be so lucky. On the other side, you can accept the Gospel without having to put up with the people and the politics.

Maybe this isn't the best week to be trying to figure all this out. There's still a lot of planning before the funeral on Tuesday. But as much as I try to push it away, it's still weighing on me. And it isn't easy.


alex dumas said...

I think you're right about how you feel, but it's going to be hard to explain.

Sorry about your loss. It's hard when you know they are where they want to be, but you still miss them.

Hidden said...

So sorry to hear of your loss. *HUG* Be strong. We love you.

ControllerOne said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. It made me think of my Grandma who is 92 and in excellent health all things considered. "Spunky" is the perfect word. But, at that age, it's easy for the end to come in a blink. And I hate the thought of it.

I do think you are right about the temple work. I haven't been to the temple in forever, but as I recall it is important to have good and positive feelings. However you get there, I think you should avoid doing the work at all costs. I fear you would feel worse about doing it with an unsure heart than you would about disappointing your mom and not doing it at all. My two cents for what is is worth (and it's probably worth about two cents!).

Hugs. You are one of my favorites so far!

ControllerOne said...

You got me thinking. Stopped by to spend a few hours with Grandma today. Spunky as ever. And I think she was feeling down and really wanted some company. So I'm glad I went. Thank you for reminding me how much I love my grandma!