01 August 2009

"Perhaps This Is Why I Got This Job"

You know when you're upset over something, how it's so easy to become upset over everything? That's how my week has been. Longest week of my life.

Therefore, much to my eye-rolling, insert-sarcasm-here surprise, I've been feeling frustrated this week with how things are going right now. I feel like I'm in, or very near to, a place where it just plain sucks to be so closeted. I don't want to be fake anymore. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to be careful and worried and afraid anymore.

Important sidenote before continuing: have I mentioned that there's another lesbian at work now? She got hired a couple months ago and I absolutely love having her there. Funny thing is that her name is Amy too, so whenever I hear someone trying to clarify which Amy they're speaking of by saying "the one that likes girls," I just laugh.

Anyway, Thursday was probably the day when I was freaking out most, and I really felt like I was at a breaking point. So I took a couple steps out of my comfort zone, was a little bit brave and a little bit bold, and actually asked Amy if I could talk to her sometime. I didn't specify a time, but she waited around for me after her shift had ended. So I told her that I envy her because of how she is just herself, just free, no apologies, and asked her how she got to that space. So we ended up talking for about a half hour.

She also comes from an LDS family so she really gets it. She said that she has been where I am and she remembers that it isn't all that fun. In this case, the grass is definitely greener. And she said that she'd help me in any way she could. She even said that she believes things happen for a reason, and maybe helping me out is the reason she got the job at the restaurant.

I'm glad she's there. She's glad I said something to her. We're both glad I have no regrets about it.

It's so nice to talk to someone and know that they really comprehend what you're talking about. My other friends have been great and I appreciate that they will let me really be who I am with support instead of judgment. And at the same time, I know that they don't fully understand. Maybe that's why I felt so much better after my conversation with Amy.

Of course, a really good hug never hurts either.


ControllerOne said...

Good for you. I'm glad you found a friend. I totally feel you on the straight friends issue. I have great ones that I would not trade for anything and who accept me as I am. But acceptance isn't the same as understanding, and understanding would be nice!

I worked with a guy who is gay, but he's gone now, wasn't LDS and was way to flamboyant for me. I'm just not like that, so I never really felt comfortable talking to him about the subject. Plus, I'm in management (insert, ooohs and aahhhs here :)) and he was at a staff level, so I didn't think it would be appropriate.