I think I've found what I've been missing out on.
I've seen her every day since Tuesday. She makes me laugh, she makes me feel safe, she makes me feel happy. She's told me that she really likes me and has since before I talked with her and honestly told her where I was at in this whole process. And I can't stop thinking about her. She's a great person and I love spending time with her. I can't wait to see her again even before I'm not with her anymore. This twitterpated feeling is thrilling and maddening at the same time.
Part of me wants to let go and just jump in. And when I'm with her and can just be there in that moment, it's amazing. I don't remember the last time I felt this happy. But every now and then, that little LDS voice in my head creeps in, and I start to feel guilty and afraid. "This is wrong," it whispers, and I hate it. I don't like my head telling me it's wrong to have my arm around her, or for us to hold hands, or to cuddle while watching a movie, or even kiss, because it feels right. Really right.
This feeling is like a breath of fresh air almost. Dating guys was just stale (no offense guys). I tried to do what I was "supposed" to do, tried to go down the "right" paths and make it work, and I see now that I was doing that for someone else, everyone else. These last months and especially this last week has been for me. I feel like I'm finally breathing.
I hope this next week is even better.