17 August 2009

Breathing

I think I've found what I've been missing out on.

I've seen her every day since Tuesday. She makes me laugh, she makes me feel safe, she makes me feel happy. She's told me that she really likes me and has since before I talked with her and honestly told her where I was at in this whole process. And I can't stop thinking about her. She's a great person and I love spending time with her. I can't wait to see her again even before I'm not with her anymore. This twitterpated feeling is thrilling and maddening at the same time.

Part of me wants to let go and just jump in. And when I'm with her and can just be there in that moment, it's amazing. I don't remember the last time I felt this happy. But every now and then, that little LDS voice in my head creeps in, and I start to feel guilty and afraid. "This is wrong," it whispers, and I hate it. I don't like my head telling me it's wrong to have my arm around her, or for us to hold hands, or to cuddle while watching a movie, or even kiss, because it feels right. Really right.

This feeling is like a breath of fresh air almost. Dating guys was just stale (no offense guys). I tried to do what I was "supposed" to do, tried to go down the "right" paths and make it work, and I see now that I was doing that for someone else, everyone else. These last months and especially this last week has been for me. I feel like I'm finally breathing.

I hope this next week is even better.

7 comments:

A.J. said...

Isn't being in love great! sorry might be being in "like at this point. But still an awesome feeling.

live honest said...

I remember having feelings such as the ones you describe. Being in love is such a life-altering experience. I have only been in love once, but it was more than enough for me to know how good it felt. I felt more joy, pleasure, happiness, and racing heart than I EVER thought was possible. Being in love, being loved, being accepted and everything that goes with that is such a miracle. Happy day to you!

alex dumas said...

It was only a matter of time...

alex dumas said...

Why do I get this feeling that it might be hard to read your blog now...?

Jenz said...

YEAH!!!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

El Genio said...

I am so happy & excited for you!! Stale is the perfect word to describe my entire pre-out dating life, so I won't hold it against you. ;)

Public Loneliness said...

Awesome for you. You deserve to be happy regardless of where this goes. Here's hoping that things work out great for you!
hugs,pl