Engagements and Marriages

It seems like there are a lot of people who are engaged right now.  I see a lot of them on Facebook, and most of them are Moho guys, but I think there's a straight couple here and there.

Engagements are something I love to see.  I'm so happy for everyone who is finding this happiness!  I think it's a very exciting time and I'm glad that the opportunity for marriage is now reaching people I know.  To have two people recognized for the deeply committed type of love that each must bring to a marriage is a truly amazing experience.

Those of you who have followed this blog for awhile know that I was married once.  I was married in the Salt Lake Temple.  When I got divorced about two years later, I very firmly committed to never getting married again.  Having not had the best marriage experience, this thought was one that brought me so much peace.  I knew that I could be okay if I was never married to a man again.  It wasn't something I remotely wanted.

As more states are embracing marriage equality, I am finding now that I actually do think about getting married again.  My girlfriend and I have been together for two and a half years.  That's practically a lifetime in LDS terms.  If we were a conventional LDS couple, we would have already been married for two years.  We talk in terms of "forever" when we consider our relationship, but we're not in a hurry.  We've even talked about "when we get married..." but it is always a distant future sort of thing.

As I think about the possibility of getting married again, I actually find that I would like to get married again.  I want to.  And I think it's because it would be a marriage I could actually bring something to.  It's a marriage I want to be a part of, not one that I want to run and hide from.  I love my girlfriend so much and I never want to be without her.  I'm pretty sure that she feels the same way about me.  We have genuine care and concern for the others well-being and state of happiness.  And I know that I could be married to her for the rest of my life.

It doesn't feel like a foreign idea, wanting to get married again, because in a lot of ways, I think it would be like getting married for the first time.

And if that's the case, it would be my first and only, which is how I've always wanted my marriage to be.

What I Learned From Andy

I feel like I've been in a weird frame of mind for the last month or so.  I feel like I've been doing more soul searching than I've done in a long time.

I think part of it comes from thinking about Andy.  I've learned more about the circumstances of his death and it's very rattling to me.  Drugs were involved.  Andy had struggled with addiction for a long time.  Even his obituary says that he lost his battle with drug addiction.  I have found that to be a sobering reminder.  I've been an addict myself, though not to substances.  To be reminded that the fight is never really over is tough, to say the least.  You can be sober for years and still be close enough to the edge that one misstep will send you falling, perhaps to never get up again.

And unfortunately, when you start thinking about and worrying about your addiction, that addiction becomes a much more present force in your life.

In grieving for Andy, I've been trying to remember what he taught me.  He was such a light, filled with so much positive energy.

"Today I will only expect great things!  Today I will only be the LOVE I wish to experience in my life!  Today I will excel in my forgiveness of my negative thoughts, and only feel the positive flow of the universe ever working in my life!  Today I will be HAPPY!  Today I will be me!"

"In this day and age, life can feel as though you are struggling, and things just aren't as they seem...for a few weeks my life has been on an up sweep of loving energy that I know is moving me forward into more and more blessings!  My higher power blesses me more and more each day.  It's my awareness to this energy's presence that allows me to feel as amazing as I do!"

Life doesn't stop, even when you want it to.  It's funny how important a small moment can be much later.  As we try to move forward, I hope to do so in a way that I can be proud of, and that will not turn my life towards shadows I have moved out of.  Just because I cast those shadows and they follow me doesn't mean I have to walk back into their arms.

TODAY I know that good things are ahead of me.  As I work towards what I want from my life, I know I have to enrich my life with good and positive things.  TODAY I won't ask for my obstacles to be removed, but rather I will ask for strength and courage to face them until I can overcome them.  TODAY I will remember that I am blessed.  TODAY I will thank God for Andy and for all the wonderful people who bring positive energy to my life!

My Other Gay Friends

I know a lot of gay Mormons.  In fact, I would say that the majority of my friends who are gay also happen to be or come from a Mormon background.

And my other gay friends I know from the Court.  Specifically, this is the Imperial Rainbow Court of Northern Utah, the Ogden Chapter of the International Imperial Court System.  This is a non-profit organization that raises money throughout the year for other various groups.  They do shows every weekend for this.

These gay friends of mine run in a different circle than the Mormon gay friends of mine.  And all my gay friends are wonderful people who I am most honored to be friends with, both types trying to do the very best they can to be the best people they can be.

My other gay friends tend to be a bit more full of "fabulous" and "sparkle" than my Mormon friends do.  In this regard, they sometimes seem much more free.  They are energetic.  A lot of them have better command of makeup and fashion than I ever will.  And when they put on a drag show, boy do they know how to put on a drag show!

I mention this, not to compare my two types of Family Friends.  I mention this because this last week, IRCONU lost our Empress.  Andy Davis, aka Alexis Devo, died January 16, 2012.  He was 31 years old.

I have found myself struggling very much with his death.  I find this strange, because Andy and I were not close friends.  But Andy lit up every room he walked into.  He was the type of person who you could meet just once, and he would change your life.  That's not an exaggeration either.  I looked forward to his positive and motivating posts on Facebook.  He was a loving, willing, beautiful person who saw everyone as a friend.  He was so full of life and energy, and it's so very difficult to believe that his light has left this earthly world.

I have yet to go to a Moho party and see a drag queen there.  I have yet to go to a IRCONU show and hear about Boyd K. Packer.  But I am so lucky to be a part of two amazing communities, seemingly on opposite sides of the spectrum, but with more in common than an outsider might believe.  I am lucky to have so many amazing people in my life.  And losing one of them reminds me of how important each and every one of them are to me.

I'm so grateful for all of you.  I am grateful for the spirit of life and love that you bring to me.  I hope you know that.  I love you all!!!

Yes I Am

Tonight was not a good night at work.  People were generally rude and inconsiderate and being already sensitive with my other stresses, I was not enjoying my evening.  It was like a general sense of heaviness was sitting in my chest.  When you count on your personality and interacting with people to make you money, this isn't a good thing.

And then...

I went to greet a new table.  It was a couple.  And she was beautiful.  Short, dark hair, olive colored skin, big brown eyes.  And even better, she was very nice, polite, and very engaging.  The guy she was with had a personality to match.  It was an awesome table.

And suddenly, I felt much better.  After I took their drink order, I felt lighter.  Nothing like a pretty girl to brighten the night.

Don't Look Down

So I need to have a conversation with my parents and I'm not really looking forward to it.

I'm still gay and it's not changing.  I've still got a girlfriend, and it's not changing.  So my girlfriend and I are making changes that focus on the fact that we're still together and we're going to be together for a very long time.  And it's time to have a conversation with the parents before the moving van shows up to get my stuff on Tuesday.

I've been having mixed feelings about possible consequences.  I know that I haven't turned out in a way that is ideal for my parents.  I still want to make them proud.  I try to live in a good and honest way and hope that this will somehow make up for the parts of my life that we don't talk about at family parties.

Part of me thinks that maybe it's time to get over the unrealistic expectation that someday I'll be good enough as I am when it comes to my family.  That sounds harsher than how I feel it is, but I think it also describes where I'm at right now.  I know that me and my girlfriend will never be seen in the same way that my sisters are with their husbands.  I get it.  And I can't let that stop me from living my life.

Now, I'm not looking to be disrespectful when it comes to the religious beliefs of my family.  I think it's great that they can go to church every Sunday, study, learn, teach, do all of it.  I have no problem with it.  In fact, I want them to.  I know that there are some parents who decide that if their child can't be accepted by a religion, they'll leave it.  That's great for them.  But I believe that this is something that would be detrimental to my parents and my sisters, and so I'm happy that they stay.  I'm happy that they make decision in their lives that better their lives.  I'm happy that they're happy.  The Church enriches their lives and I appreciate that.  I would never ask them to turn their back on something that they truly and deeply care about.

And I genuinely feel that way.  I don't extend that sentiment for the sole purpose of hoping for the same courtesy in return (although it would be nice).  I can be happy that my family is happy, even when they find joy in a path that I found sorrow in.  I'm not jealous about it, I'm not upset about it.  I am really okay with it, which surprises me sometimes, but I am.

So why is it that I find myself so concerned with this next step in my life?  I find myself thinking that my girlfriend and I have been together for two and a half years, that we're building our life together, that we're seriously committed to each other.  The more this doesn't change, the more I think my family will just get used to it.  But is it selfish to ask them to just get used to it?  But then, why should I sacrifice my own purpose and happiness and comfort so they can be more comfortable?  Is it wrong to feel like I have the right to sleep at night?

I hate walking this tightrope.  But I suppose the best way to get from one point to another is to not look down, and not look back.  I'm hoping I can find a way to make the best of an uncomfortable conversation and the consequences, good or bad, will be bearable.

Welcome to the Jungle

Apologies that it's been so long since I last posted.  My life has been a little busy and crazy and some days I don't even know which way is up.  So I thought that while I'm on break from school, I would let you know what I've been up to.

School.  School school school.  I changed schools after I got my Associate's Degree and the institution where I'm at now requires much more work that my last school.  I think my social life disintegrated completely.  I went to school, I went to work, and I did a lot of homework.  I think that's the majority of my life.  Oh, but I did let myself watch TV while I ate.  Your brain needs a rest every now and then.

But I'm also really enjoying school, a lot more than I did at the other university.  I'm having to work more but I'm learning more.  I like the teaching style better.  And it helps that I'm finally in my major, so all my classes are applicable.  It makes them much more interesting.  Even better, I got two A's and two A-'s for the semester.  Yay!

I'm still at the restaurant and this week is one of the busiest of the year.  Everyone is redeeming gift cards and we'll be on a wait pretty much every day this week.  I'm putting in more hours now that I have more hours to give.

Sounds pretty boring, huh?

Of course, I'm always thinking, thinking, thinking.  I've thought of many blog posts over the last few months.  I'm hoping that I can find time to put some of these thoughts out there, really look at them and make sense of what's going through my mind.  After all, that's one of the great things about this blog.

I hope everyone had a great holiday season and that you all will have a wonderful 2012.  Love you all!

--Amy

Reassured

My marketing teacher is awesome.

She cornered me in the hallway last week before class.  She's kind of spunky and quite hilarious at eight in the morning.  I wasn't expecting her to speak to me when I passed her in the hallway.  She said hi.  I said hello.  But she wanted to talk more.  So the conversation went something like this:

"Amy, remind me of your major again."

"Aviation management."

"Hmm...okay.  Well I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, if you need someone to talk to, anything, my door is always open.  I know there's a lot of men in the aviation department and if you ever have any problems, you just let me know and I'll be sure to take care of it.  And also, I am known to have quite an adorable following of gay men, because my shoes are fabulous, and I think they're wonderful, but we haven't had a lot of women here that have been so comfortable being themselves.  I just want you to know that I'm here if you have any problems, if you have any issues, you just let me know."

This was rather unexpected.  But it was also really nice to hear.

I don't know this woman very well.  But she went out of her way to let me know that I have an ally at school.  I thanked her.  I didn't really know what else to say.

At the same time, part of my decision in going to this school was because it's a more liberal campus.  I was hoping to feel safe.  I was hoping to feel good with being me.  I was hoping for a little bit of acceptance.  And when I was deliberating between my three college choices, I really felt like the school I chose was where I needed to be.  So it was almost like this experience reaffirmed my decision to go to this college.

And if it makes it a little easier to go to class at eight in the morning, that's a nice bonus too.

Devotion

I had a "family" table the other day at work.  It was a lesbian couple, probably in their late forties, and an older lady.  She was the mother of one of the lesbians.

She was the mother of the one in the wheelchair.

I wouldn't say she was a completely paralyzed from the neck down, but it wasn't a waist down paralysis.  She had a powered wheelchair and she could maneuver it as she needed to without assistance.  But she had limited use of her hands.  She definitely relied on her companion (which I say because I hate the term "partner").

This was one of the nicest tables I've waited on.  And it wasn't just because they were family.  They were polite, they said thank you, they said please when they needed something, and they were pleasant to talk to.  I didn't dread going to the table.

And to watch the love and devotion between these two...was just a privilege.  To watch the one cut up food and feed it to her sweetheart, to watch her care for her, was so adorable.

As I watched them, all I could think of was, "how can people say that this is wrong?  How can people say that these two shouldn't be married?"  How many people, gay or straight, would stay?  It can't be easy for the two of them.  If I was in that situation, I imagine it would be downright difficult.  But it's worth it to them.  It doesn't matter that there are difficult times.  They love each other.  Period.  And that is real love...complete devotion...being willing to do anything to be with the one you love.

When they left, the woman in the wheelchair was able to make her way towards the door under her own power.  And the other?  She helped the mother stand, gave her the cane she needed to walk, and let her lean on her arm as they headed towards the door.

I don't think I'll ever forget that moment.  That's good people right there.  That's what family is all about.  And I hope I see them again.

180 Degrees

Years ago, I was not in a good place.  Most of my days were gray.  The sunlight lost its sparkle.  Shadows followed me everywhere I went.

Then I went through a program to help me turn my life around.  And it literally turned my life around.

I made a really good friend there.  Lately, I've been thinking about something she said to me once.

"You were in one place.  You were going in one direction.  Then you started doing this, and you found a different direction.  You turned 180 degrees.  And the problem with that is, that everything and everyone that was in front of you before is now behind you.  And they can choose to catch up with your new direction...or they get left behind."

I don't know why I've been thinking about her words.  But I have.  I've been thinking about the things that didn't catch up, the things that have been left behind.

I wish I knew why this was on my mind right now.

When You Know Someone

It's easy to discount something you have no experience with.  After all, you have no experience with it.  You haven't touched it.  You haven't observed it.  You don't know its quirks, its disposition, how it reacts when poked with a stick.

Some people like to speculate, despite having no knowledge of the thing they are speculating about.

We like to do this.  We like to think that we are informed authorities about things that we really know nothing about.  We like to do this with people, probably more than anything else.

It's easy to lump everyone together and buy into a perpetuated stereotype.  It's easy to say that all people with quality A and quality B are all alike.  If you really stop to think about it, it's a little ridiculous, but it's easy to say that.

When you know someone who is gay, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be sympathetic towards gay people.  When you know someone who gets sick, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be compassionate towards people who are sick.  When you know someone who has an emotional issue, suddenly it becomes a little easier to be understanding towards people who struggle with their emotions.

When you're willing to reach out and know someone, suddenly it becomes a little easier to have love and compassion for your fellow man.