Lewis

We had the family Christmas party last Friday with my dad's side of the family. For the most part it was pretty good. I was actually looking forward to going, where in years past I have dreaded it more than almost anything. I've always been kind of an anxious kid and there's something about my dad's side of the family that gets to me. They're loud, there's lots of them, and they're not afraid to say what's on their mind, no matter how it sounds or who it offends.

This year though was different. I suppose it's because there are members of my family who are a little rough around the edges. They're not as Mormon-Picture-Perfect as my mom's side is. Granted, my cousin's aren't gay (and I don't know what might happen when that little gem of information gets out) but there are misfits nonetheless.

Of the 22 grandkids, I'm right in the middle. My oldest cousin has got to be close to 40. His oldest son, Lewis, is a senior in high school. Lewis is a nice kid. He enjoys singing and dancing and is involved in theater. He just got done playing Javier in his school's production of Les Miserables. As part of this Christmas party, those who want to get up and perform something for Grandma and Grandpa. When Lewis was explaining his number, my gaydar went off big time. I've never talked to him before, but you can be sure that I made a point to talk to him after everything was done and everyone was kind of mingling still.

I can't explain it exactly, just something about his mannerisms and the way he talks...you know...and I have no idea if he really is or not for sure. I don't know if he's even really given it much thought at this point. But I think he might be gay.

He's still a young kid, but I know that kids are coming out at younger and younger ages. I don't know if there's anything I can do to help him because I don't know him very well at all. It was nice to talk to him at the party. I sent him a friend request on Facebook. I'd just like to help him if he needs it. But I don't know what he needs.

Regardless, I hope that he will be okay. And if he is gay, I hope that if there's anything I can do to make it easier for him, I will get the opportunity to do so.

Not My Trial

I don't believe my life has been easy. I've been through a lot of stuff, and a lot of really difficult stuff for being 26 years old. I'm the first one to tell you that I don't think it ever will be easy for me. But maybe that's because somehow, I am able to handle tough stuff. Somehow, I make it through, even when I don't believe I ever will.

I look at my sister (Liz) and she seems to have the picture perfect life. Things come easy for her. She's more of the "silver platter" kind of girl. It doesn't seem to me that she's had to work hard for the things she gets. Of course, that's from where I sit. She might tell you differently.

I really think sometimes that being gay is not my trial. I've got plenty of other things to test me. And I'm at the point now where it's not 100% difficult to be gay. I don't struggle with it like I used to.

Maybe it's a trial for my family. Maybe me being gay is their test. Maybe it's to help them learn how to have a greater kind of love, to see me like my Savior sees me, with unconditional love.

If it's a test for them, I hope they will learn how to pass.

Ultimatums, part II

Thank you to all who commented on my last post. It was comforting to feel of your support and reassuring to know that many of your reactions were similar to mine.

I've thought a lot about the things Liz and Jeff said. Going into the conversation, my mindset was one of wanting them to have a space to say what they were thinking and feeling. I know that they are entitled to their reactions and opinions, no matter how they differ from my own. I was prepared to shift though if I needed to stick up for myself, and it nearly got to that point. I noticed that I felt a bit of anger at their words and the tone of their words, but it was a defensive kind of anger, as if I needed to protect myself.

But as I've thought about their position, I've also thought about their potential motivations for saying what they did. I would like to believe that their intent was not to hurt me. I know that they are trying to understand the best they can, and to do that they are leaning on their faith and understanding of the LDS Gospel.

I've done the exact same thing.

What I do know is that it doesn't completely work. There is no chapter of scripture that provides conclusive and specific details for why some of us are gay, what will happen to us, where we will end up, or what God will say to us when we meet face to face. And I am aware that the path I am currently on is a path that deviates from what LDS leadership has laid out. But if God came down today and said "you either have to stop loving her or come with me," I would say "let's go then," because I've lived the other way, and I can't do it again.

The other thing I know is that I am responsible for my life. I don't like feeling as if I have to make the decisions everyone else wants me to. I've spent too much of my life like that. If I want to support the Human Right's Campaign or Equality Utah or whoever, I should be able to do so. I think using my niece and nephew as a bargaining chip is a low blow. Losing contact with them would be probably one of the most painful things I think I could go through...and if that happens, I don't know what I'll do. But I can't be afraid of that.

I don't feel like I am living an "extreme" lifestyle. I get up every day, I work full-time, I go to school, I spend time with my friends and my family. I don't party. I don't get high. Okay, I swear a lot, but I really do try to be a good person. And it just so happens that I'm a good person with a girlfriend. I don't think I am a bad influence on those kids. But I'm also not their parents. If Liz and Jeff decide their children are better off without me, that will be their call, not mine.

I don't want or need to feel threatened or attacked by my family. I won't put up with it. I don't need to be in an environment where my well-being, in this case emotional, will be at risk.

Maybe I need to come up with an ultimatum of my own, and hope there is room for compromise.

Ultimatums, part I

This is a post that I would like to get feedback on. If you have any thoughts at all, please don't hesitate to share them with me, because I'm still trying to make sense of it all and any input would be appreciated.

For the sake of this post, I'm going to label some people to try and cut down on some potential confusion. I'm going to call my middle sister Liz and her husband Jeff.

During the Thanksgiving discussion, Liz and Jeff did a lot of the talking. It pretty much opened with Liz asking me how I came to the conclusion that I was gay. So I told her about how I felt different from people around me, I felt like there was something wrong with me but I couldn't put my finger on it, and it just unsettled me for a long time. I reminded her that I didn't date much because I didn't have a desire to. Guys were always my pals, not my interest. I told her about how I thought I might be gay when I was nineteen but it scared me so much that I threw it away and buried it. I tried to be the "right" person and follow the path that had been laid out for me. I told them about how being married was no picnic, more like one big traumatic experience. And that now I was just to a point where I couldn't keep hiding anymore.

Liz said that she and Jeff had been spending a lot of time reading talks from General Authorities, reading press releases, searching the scriptures, and trying to make sense of it through their faith. She asked me if I thought I was born this way. Both of them are very adament that God would not allow us to be born this way. Jeff cited the first chapter of James, where it says this:

"13: Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:
14: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
15: Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
16: Do not err, my beloved brethren."

Jeff then went on to say that God doesn't ever give us temptations, but we open ourselves up to them. So maybe when I started thinking that I felt different, that was the first step, and then it just kept growing and building on itself until pretty soon, here I was thinking that I was gay.

He said that the more I continue on this path, the more I reject the family, the closer I will get to the day when I have to choose between where I've ended up and my family.

Liz said that she wasn't planning on not letting me see my niece and my nephew, which is one thing that I've been very worried about. Jeff said that it wouldn't be a problem as long as I didn't start supporting "the gays" and joining campaigns for gay rights or supporting organizations that do. He said that if his kids could one day get on my Facebook page and be exposed to that, then he would have to talk to me about it, because it would be a problem.

Both of them said that they don't want to ever meet the person I'm seeing, and they don't want her around at all.

So what do you think? I'm still trying to make sense of it, and I have my own opinions and responses, but I'd like to hear from you first before I get into my own feelings on the subject.

Aftermath

Thanksgiving is over, which is more proof to me that there is indeed a loving God. And somehow, I survived.

The family discussion happened. I wouldn't necessarily say that it went well. Most of the talking during the hour and a half "conversation" was done by my middle sister and her husband. Even my mom told me later that she thought it came off as an attack, and she's not as sensitive as I am. But they said what they felt they needed to say I suppose. As I think more and more about it, I'll probably blog more about their point of view in a later post.

My dad is blaming himself, wondering where he went wrong. "I got all three of my girls to the temple, I thought I was good." Sorry to ruin that, Dad, but I don't know why it has to be anyone's fault.

My mom didn't say very much, because we had already talked. My youngest sister and her husband didn't really say much either. But I sure appreciate my brother-in-law, because what he did say was this:

"Amy, we've talked and you know how your sister and I feel. What I want you to know is that I think it's very admirable and shows great courage for you to tell us this when you could have obviously guessed how we would react because of our faith. That says to me that you want us to be a part of your life, and I appreciate that."

I'm glad he's part of the family.

It was weird the next day in the house. I don't know how it will be at Christmas. After that though, the holidays are over and everyone can get on with their lives.

I'm sad that the Jazz aren't playing on Christmas like they did on Thanksgiving, because getting tickets to that game was probably the best judgment call I've ever made. I went with my girlfriend and three of my best friends. We all commiserated about our families and had a great time unwinding from the stress that family can bring. Sometimes I feel like they are more my family than my real family is, so it was good to be with them.

I guess now I just hurry up and wait. There are some things that can't be mended overnight. I only hope that Time will heal...eventually.

Thankful...?

I'm gearing up for Thanksgiving and having all the family together for the first time since I came out to them. NERVOUS. I won't actually see everyone in the same setting until tomorrow morning, when we all show up for family pictures.

My focus is on being the person I've always been. The truth is that I am changing as I go through my coming out process. The burden on my shoulder is lifting. I feel free and lighter. I smile more. I laugh more. I hate myself less. These are good changes I believe. But as far as my personality goes, I'm still the same. I want my family to see that. Maybe they'll see that I'm happier too.

I don't know what will happen on Thanksgiving when we're all gathered for dinner and stuff. I know my mom has mentioned that she'd like to have us all sit down and talk about what's going on with me. Hurray. I'm hoping it will be acceptable to be as honest as I can while being as respectful as I can. There are some questions I don't feel comfortable answering, and I'm thinking I'll probably have to say just that. But I'm also nervous about being able to be true to myself and not sacrifice my own happiness so everyone else can be happy. I've done that for so much of my life. I feel I need to tell them that if they don't want to know about the relationship I'm in, that's fine, and I'm not going to bring her around if she's not invited and won't be welcome. And at the same time, it's a relationship that is so important to me, and I won't spend every holiday apart.

I'm sure it's going to be fun. But I'm also sure it will be a difficult experience that will help me in the long run. Happy Thanksgiving.

Finding A Place

I was thinking today about my blog and other blogs that I read, particularly in the MoHo blogging world. There are definitely varying degrees of involvement when it comes to being active in the LDS Church, both in daily life and in the thoughts that are posted. I guess I've been wondering about where my blog and my thoughts fall along that spectrum.

I was raised in a strong LDS home. My parents and my sisters are very active. They hold callings, they put all the artwork on the walls, they do their home/visiting teaching, and so on. I was baptized and confirmed when I was eight. I've done baptisms for the dead since I was twelve. I got my patriarchal blessing and my Young Women's Medallion when I was seventeen. I received my endowments when I was twenty, got married in the temple a week later when I was twenty-one. The foundation of my faith is based on LDS doctrine. That probably will never change.

While I consider myself LDS, I would not say I'm an active member right now. I don't go to church because I don't like to, and haven't since I was ten. I don't like how uncomfortable I feel when I'm there. So I choose not to go.

For me, the presence of the actual Church has never been as strong in my life as my own personal faith. I've always been more about individual study, learning on my own, being the one to find answers to my own questions. In finding meaning that is relevant to my own life, thoughts, and emotions, it means more to me and it stays with me.

I feel like I followed the path that was laid out for me. Perhaps my mistake was that my heart was never really in it completely. I feel emotions very intensely, and the way I feel in Church settings is overwhelming to me, which is probably why I've always been about learning on my own terms.

Where I stand on the LDS spectrum, maybe I don't know, but I think we fall where we need to in the scheme of things. I learn a lot from other blogs, whether it's about doctrines or daily life, someone's actions and someone else's response, the feelings someone else has, the thoughts they have, the way they put their phrases together. I think it's good for me to think about things in a different light.

When it comes right down to it, I rely on a faith that is unique to me. I can't keep leaning on the faith of my parents or my bishop or my whoever. No, I'm not active, but I still very much think in LDS terms. I'm finding my own path, and I really feel like it's going to be okay.

We all have to do what we feel is right, because at the end of the day, none of us can live the life of another. We have to work with what was given to us. Some of us have to work through it. Whether it's at church every Sunday or not, we all have a place. Sometimes it's just a matter of finding it.

Gratitude List '09

I am not a fan of how commercial Christmas is. I hate how Thanksgiving pretty much gets skipped. Instead of being appreciative of what we have, we're more concerned with what we're going to get, generally speaking. So in junior high, I started a little tradition of my own and for whatever reason, I've kept doing it. Each Thanksgiving I make a list of 100 things I'm grateful for. I've added one more thing for each year I've done it, so this year it's 112 things, but there's certainly more that I could list.

It keeps me focused on being thankful for little things and big things, for people who are important in my life, and for the way some things become more meaningful with time. So I thought I'd post it, just for fun.

112 Things I'm Grateful For (in no particular order)

1-Amy
2-jet noise
3-American citizenship
4-black ballpoint pens
5-DBT
6-my job
7-Nat
8-Ryan
9-Aliyah
10-Xander
11-Tabitha
12-Rocky
13-Mom
14-Dad
15-Anne
16-Jace
17-Sheila
18-Alex
19-Caedus Kai (my car)
20-US Armed Forces
21-love of reading
22-ability to learn
23-Stacey
24-Canadian heritage
25-adidas shoes
26-root beer
27-root beer float popsicles
28-calculators
29-MoHo blogging community
30-my 30 list
31-digital cameras
32-Mountain Dew
33-indoor plumbing
34-sense of responsibility
35-compassion
36-patience
37-chocolate
38-Utah Jazz
39-Philadelphia Eagles
40-five senses
41-my iPhone
42-Matt
43-Tim
44-gum
45-courage
46-memories
47-sensitivity
48-Utah snow
49-snowboarding
50-space heaters
51-diversity in people
52-road trips
53-new socks
54-Star Wars
55-support of my friends
56-creativity in myself
57-creativity in others
58-determination
59-learning experiences
60-music
61-being able to read music
62-having musical ears
63-that I can/will forgive
64-that others have forgiven me
65-everything doesn't taste like oatmeal
66-the Wright Brothers
67-electricity
68-leadership opportunities
69-living in a place with four seasons
70-iTunes
71-imagination
72-earphones
73-my tonsillectomy
74-knowing how to type
75-knowing 10-key
76-extended blood family
77-extended "family" in the LGBT community
78-Skunk Works
79-free agency
80-ice diving
81-I'm learning how to like myself
82-giving love
83-receiving love
84-500+ days and counting
85-my baby blanket
86-Nicole Malachowski
87-USAFADS
88-snickerdoodles
89-post-it notes
90-bookstores
91-dogs
92-Arby's French Dip sandwiches
93-Ozzie
94-encouragment
95-living by an Air Force base
96-Amelia Earhart
97-Hot Topic
98-crossword puzzles
99-poetry
100-Christmas is only once a year
101-I didn't have a cell phone in high school
102-contacts
103-pears
104-walk off home runs
105-pizza
106-ancestors
107-literature
108-I live through key moments (work)
109-being able to tell jets apart
110-my car is automatic
111-junior high and high school are over
112-faith that is unique to me

When The Wrong One Loves You Right

The weekend was absolutely amazing. The airshow was PHENOMENAL! I loved every second of it and got some great pictures. It was the first airshow my girlfriend had been to and she really enjoyed it too. She likes the jet noise and she liked seeing me so goofy happy.

When my youngest sister and her husband met my girlfriend last week, my sister invited us to stop by on our way back from Vegas and see their new house. When we arrived, my sister made us dinner and we hung out for about three hours. We got the tour of the house and were just talking, enjoying each other's company. It was such a simple thing but it meant so much to me. My sister very easily could have been like, "nice to meet you, see you around maybe." Instead, she invited us into her home. She took the time to talk to us and spend time with us. I can't describe how monumental that feels to me.

I know my family is having a difficult time with this, particularly with me being in a relationship. I know my parents think this is wrong for me. I'm guessing my middle sister does too. And it's easy to hate a situation when you don't know anything about it. It's more difficult to hate a person that you've met and talked to and gotten to know.

Whether or not they think she's wrong for me, she loves me the way I've always wanted to be loved. She genuinely cares for me. She's very respectful and honest and just an all around good person. And she's good for me. She's good to me. And I'm grateful that my sister got to see that.

I'm hoping there will be a day when the rest of my family will meet her and get to know her, but for now I'm very happy that my youngest sister and her husband have been so hospitable and supportive. After being afraid for so long that I would lose my entire family all together when I came out to them, feeling that support means more than any phrase could accurately describe.

Nellis Safety Net

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Vegas for Aviation Nation 2009 at Nellis Air Force Base. I'm so excited, I can't even tell you! Home of the Thunderbirds, they put on a great show. I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to military aircraft on display.

My youngest sister and her hubby are up for a wedding right now. We had a long talk last night about how things are going with the family and what will probably go down at Thanksgiving. It was a nice heart-to-heart. I really have appreciated their support. It means so much to know that I don't have to stand alone when it comes to my family.

We talked about my girlfriend too and they want to meet her, so we're probably going to do that today before I have to go to work. I'm kind of nervous but I think it's going to be okay.

I guess we'll see. If nothing else, if for some weird reason it ends up being not so good, at least I know I'll still have a good time over the weekend. And if it does go well, then the air show will be the icing on the cake. Nellis, here I come!