28 August 2009

The Cost

Welcome to August. It's been ten months since I came out to myself. That doesn't seem like very long, and at the same time it feels like forever.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course, and as I look back over my life, there are things that make so much sense to me now. Sometimes I honestly don't know why it took me so long to come to the obvious conclusion that I'm gay. But that also makes sense if you really think about it.

I think it took me so long to say those three magic words because I was absolutely sure that I would never find acceptance anywhere if I was gay. I had never heard of someone being gay in any sort of positive light. It was always framed in an ugly, terrible, end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it way. I thought for certain that if I was gay, I would be shunned for the remainder of my life, seen as some sort of disease, treated as a terrible and damned soul.

Consequently, once I acknowledged to myself that I am a lesbian, it took me four months to tell another living soul.

But I'm glad I did. I've told people that I trust and they have been very supportive, very caring, and very accepting. I've made new friends, gotten to know other gay people, other gay Mormons, and their families. I've been welcomed and I've felt an overwhelming sense of love and support. Since I never thought it was possible, that has been an amazing blessing to me. It's really helped me believe that I'm not so terrible after all.

I've met someone and we've been spending a lot of time together. She makes me happier than I ever remember feeling. When I'm with her, I feel normal. I feel like life makes sense. I feel like I'm complete and I belong somewhere.

Now I'm currently with my family, 300 miles away from where I live. My sister asks me if I've been to church lately. Of course I say no. She wants to know why and as much as I try to avoid this conversation, she's not happy until I give her a reason that will make sense to her. Unfortunately, this conversation doesn't go well and I'm trapped in the car with her, so it's not like I can escape. As soon as I mention the Church being involved with matters they shouldn't be involved in, she jumps all over Prop 8, tells me that she can't believe I don't have a problem with gay people getting married, or with gay people in general for that matter, because don't I know how disgusting they are? Don't I know how wrong that is? How can I possibly believe it's okay for a same-sex couple to raise children and get married and live among us when they're corrupting the very fabric of our society? And on...and on...and on...

REALLY? Get outside your box!

And that's where the comparison is. I have friends, I have friends who are gay, I have friends who support me in who and what I am. I have someone who lights up when she sees me and who brings so much joy to my life. And I have a family who loves me for who they think I am.

I honestly believe there will be a cost to coming out. I think I might lose my family. Perhaps it won't be permanent, and I certainly hope they wouldn't disown me forever. But there's a price for not coming out as well. There's a pain there that people just don't think about. I wish people as a whole could understand how much damage is involved with the negative messages they spread about gay people.

I've wondered today if I could walk away. I don't have an answer yet. But I've always been who I thought other people wanted me to be. I've never tried to just be myself, rain or shine, take me or leave me...until about four months ago. I'm tired of being someone I'm not.

I just want to be me. I wish there was a way to make it work for free.

25 August 2009


I feel like a blog slacker lately. I honestly don't understand how the days and minutes can melt away as quickly as they do. Where did August go?

I've got a lot of thoughts that I'd like to post. Lots of potential blogging material has been popping up in my life lately. It's just a matter of finding the time. I'd like to get it out of my head though, cuz it's just all bouncing around in there and the resonance is getting ridiculous. I'm hoping to get my laptop up to speed soon so I can post from my room instead of at 3am, after everyone is good and asleep.

In the meantime, I'm just continuing to remind myself that it's not going to be crazy forever. And I hope everyone else is going well!

20 August 2009

How Did You Do That?

Don't know if I've mentioned it before, but a few months ago I made a 30 List with three of my friends: 30 Thing To Do Before I'm 30. One of the things on my list is to tell my immediate family the truth.

It's not something that has to be done right now. I have 3 1/2 years before I'm 30. But more and more lately, I'm noticing that I want to come out to them, specifically my parents. I think it's because I'm living at home again and I'm around them more. But also, I just want to be myself and stop being fake about certain things. That drives me crazy.

So I know that every situation is different...but I was wondering if any of you would care to share how you came out to your family. If you haven't yet, have you thought about it?


17 August 2009


I think I've found what I've been missing out on.

I've seen her every day since Tuesday. She makes me laugh, she makes me feel safe, she makes me feel happy. She's told me that she really likes me and has since before I talked with her and honestly told her where I was at in this whole process. And I can't stop thinking about her. She's a great person and I love spending time with her. I can't wait to see her again even before I'm not with her anymore. This twitterpated feeling is thrilling and maddening at the same time.

Part of me wants to let go and just jump in. And when I'm with her and can just be there in that moment, it's amazing. I don't remember the last time I felt this happy. But every now and then, that little LDS voice in my head creeps in, and I start to feel guilty and afraid. "This is wrong," it whispers, and I hate it. I don't like my head telling me it's wrong to have my arm around her, or for us to hold hands, or to cuddle while watching a movie, or even kiss, because it feels right. Really right.

This feeling is like a breath of fresh air almost. Dating guys was just stale (no offense guys). I tried to do what I was "supposed" to do, tried to go down the "right" paths and make it work, and I see now that I was doing that for someone else, everyone else. These last months and especially this last week has been for me. I feel like I'm finally breathing.

I hope this next week is even better.

13 August 2009

Running the Bases

I went to the Bee's game tonight with the other Amy that I mentioned in a previous post. I'm not really into baseball but it was loads of fun. The Bee's actually won, and afterwards there was fireworks too. Then we all got to run the bases because it was a summer party for people who work for Larry H. Miller Companies. Good times!

It was really good for me to be there and be safe with other gay people. Amy's older brother is also gay and has a husband, and to be able to witness how at ease they are in every day life is just so nice. It's refreshing to see their happiness.

But the other great thing was that it felt right. If she put her arm around me, it was okay. If I put my hand on her back, it was okay. If our knees touched, it was okay. I didn't cringe and worry like I have before with guys. I don't know how to explain it other than it just felt right.

So I'm not really into baseball. But after tonight, I could be.

10 August 2009

Big Change = Big Stress

There are lots of things I want from life. I want a job where I don't have to be awake before the clock has double digits. I want gas prices to stay low. I want a house by a lake someday. I want to come up with a great idea to write about and sell books by the millions. I want to come home to someone who lights up when they see me, who I love more every day, and who I've adopted a King Charles Spaniel with...

...to name a few.

Some of these might be a little out of my reach at the moment, but they are sometimes nice to think about. And currently, I do have a job that lets me sleep in until the clock has double digits. What can I say, I'm just not a morning person.

Right now, all I want is for things to get back to "normal." I want to feel like I'm standing on solid ground again, or if that's too much to ask, maybe to just feel like the boat is not rocking so much.

Do you think that's unreasonable?

07 August 2009

Sometimes I Forget

This week has felt really weird. I haven't worked much because of my Great-Grandma's funeral, and I'm not used to having much time off. It's really thrown off my groove.

The funeral went really well though. There wasn't as much drama as there could have been and it was a nice tribute.

The reason I'm blogging about it though is this: I went around the corner from where the viewing was taking place to talk with my sister and her husband. My aunt, my dad, and a few family friends were out in the hallway as well. We started talking, they asked about what I was up to, and I told them I was just working and going back to school. My aunt started talking about nursing school and how she didn't like it, but she loved nursing once she was done with school. Somehow, she mentioned that there had been a few instances of female instructors, who liked other girls, hitting on students. This successfully launched an anti-gay conversation.


I agree, teachers hitting on students is not a good thing, no matter what the gender. I'm not sanctioning this choice by any means. But the other stuff, the "no morals," the "disgusting," the "plain wrong," all that stuff I could have easily done without. I excused myself from the conversation, but not quite fast enough.

I've been so focused on surrounding myself with supportive people that I'd almost forgotten there was still this other side, and that it was so close to me. I guess I've gotten good at ignoring their negativity. Of course in the moment, this further compounded the sadness I was already feeling. It was just another reminder about how some people can be really hurtful when they don't understand.

Thank goodness for my friends, both gay and straight, and how their acceptance and support means so very much to me. You're like my blanket, wrapped around me when it's cold outside, comforting and strong. It's good to know I always have a family in you.

02 August 2009

Why I Blush

I'm glad that I got out of the house and went to the MoHo party at Scott and Sarah's. I wasn't there for very long, but it was enjoyable all the same.

Hidden was nice enough to invite some of his lesbian friends and I was very grateful to not be the only girl. As I was talking to them, they started asking me about dating and the possibility of setting me up, which is all well and good and not a bad thing...and yet I turned a very bright shade of red. Yay for me.

There's reasons for this...first, I blush at the drop of a hat. Always have. Second, I am not used to being the center of attention and I got kind of self-conscious. Third, as much as I'd like to be someday, right now I am not a lesbian in my everyday life. Well, I am, but not outwardly. I don't often talk about the things I really want, like dating, like going out, like being out. It's not that I'm necessarily uncomfortable, it's just not familiar right now.

So I blush. That's probably why I don't like the color red very much.

But I did have a really good night and definitely want to say thanks to my friends for encouraging me to come and be with them. Y'all are the best!

01 August 2009

"Perhaps This Is Why I Got This Job"

You know when you're upset over something, how it's so easy to become upset over everything? That's how my week has been. Longest week of my life.

Therefore, much to my eye-rolling, insert-sarcasm-here surprise, I've been feeling frustrated this week with how things are going right now. I feel like I'm in, or very near to, a place where it just plain sucks to be so closeted. I don't want to be fake anymore. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to be careful and worried and afraid anymore.

Important sidenote before continuing: have I mentioned that there's another lesbian at work now? She got hired a couple months ago and I absolutely love having her there. Funny thing is that her name is Amy too, so whenever I hear someone trying to clarify which Amy they're speaking of by saying "the one that likes girls," I just laugh.

Anyway, Thursday was probably the day when I was freaking out most, and I really felt like I was at a breaking point. So I took a couple steps out of my comfort zone, was a little bit brave and a little bit bold, and actually asked Amy if I could talk to her sometime. I didn't specify a time, but she waited around for me after her shift had ended. So I told her that I envy her because of how she is just herself, just free, no apologies, and asked her how she got to that space. So we ended up talking for about a half hour.

She also comes from an LDS family so she really gets it. She said that she has been where I am and she remembers that it isn't all that fun. In this case, the grass is definitely greener. And she said that she'd help me in any way she could. She even said that she believes things happen for a reason, and maybe helping me out is the reason she got the job at the restaurant.

I'm glad she's there. She's glad I said something to her. We're both glad I have no regrets about it.

It's so nice to talk to someone and know that they really comprehend what you're talking about. My other friends have been great and I appreciate that they will let me really be who I am with support instead of judgment. And at the same time, I know that they don't fully understand. Maybe that's why I felt so much better after my conversation with Amy.

Of course, a really good hug never hurts either.