I didn't plan on being gay. It wasn't on my list of things to be when I grew up. I didn't choose it. I didn't decide it would be easier for me. I'll say it again: I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE GAY.
I didn't choose to be Mormon. That is the life I was born into. That is how I was raised. That is what I was taught was truth. That is what I was told would be my pathway to happiness, both in this life and throughout the eternities.
I do not think I can be both.
If I decide to live the Mormon life instead of the Gay life, the family portrait for me will remain unchanged. I will be alone and stand alone in all of them. My sisters families will continue to grow. My parents will undoubtedly glow with the joy of watching their family tree grow. And I will continue to stand alone. By LDS standards, it's almost the perfect family, because it looks almost exactly how it is supposed to. And even if there is not a man by my side and children at my feet, at least I am protecting my eternal salvation.
But what about my heart?
I believe that love is honest. I believe love has no boundaries. The law and the religions of the world can try to contain it and tell you how it is supposed to look and what it feels like and how it is to be directed, but love doesn't abide by the same rules that society requires. I believe love is a sweet miracle that could only be given to us from a loving God. I believe love is good. I believe I have been given the chance to love and to be loved. And because I have love in my life, no matter what anyone else tries to tell me, I will stand for something and I will be exactly where I need to be.
And even if my girlfriend is never included in a family picture, she's my family. She means more to me than my ex-husband ever did, because I honestly love her, and I love her for good, honest reasons. A man at my side and children at my feet might look good, but for me it would be a big lie, because I'm not that person. I've already lived that lie and I won't be that dishonest again.
I did not choose to be gay. I do not want to be misunderstood and judged and talked down to and compared to crimes that are morally unfathomable to me. Whether you believe me or not, I can only live the life I was born to live. I was born to be the person I am, perhaps if for no other reason than to fight for tolerance and to give someone else the opportunity to stand up and accept me as Christ does.