28 January 2010
In the actual conversations I've had with my family regarding me being gay, I feel like my parents and my middle sister made it clear that they want nothing to do with the relationship I have with my girlfriend. We don't talk about it, they don't even know her name. But she's the most important person in my life. We spend a lot of time together and we're really happy together.
Consequently, I'm not home very much.
More and more lately, my parents love to bring that up. They tell me that they think I'm avoiding them and being distant. My mom likes to say that she feels like I don't love them anymore because I'm never there. That just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Of course, they're right. I am pulling away from them. Why wouldn't I? They ask how my day is or what I've been up to, but they don't want to know the answer. They don't want to hear about how nice my girlfriend is to me, what she said that really made me laugh, the situation with her niece that causes both of us to worry, or how I really wanted the Vikings to go to the Super Bowl because that's her team and I didn't want to see her sad face.
And since I don't know what to say to them, I don't say anything at all. I feel like I can't share this part of my life with them because they don't want to be a part of it. And you have no idea how much that hurts.
The last time my dad cornered me, I thought that maybe I would write them a letter or something, because my voice loves to fail me in those situations and I'm not confident enough in myself to say what I really want to say. But I don't know if it will do any good.
Perhaps once I have it finished, I'll post it and ask for your feedback.
Those of you that have experience with writing letters to the family, was it helpful?
19 January 2010
I miss you.
I miss going to the Moho parties and listening to the conversations you have, the laughter you share, and most importantly the hugs you give.
I miss going to Leatherby's for ice cream and being waited on by some poor kid named Nephi, when four of the five of us are gay.
I miss the 45 minute drive home with a smile on my face the entire time.
Someday Saturdays will slow down at work a bit and then maybe I can come to a Moho party again. Until then though, know that I love you all and miss you lots!
07 January 2010
2010 is here and sometimes I can hardly believe it. Time seems to go by so quickly. Another year, come and gone, to be forgotten or learned from. I was never really one for resolutions but this year I've been thinking about what I want from 2010 and how to make it happen.
PERSONAL GOALS AND WHAT I HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH FOR 2010
Last year I made a "30 List" with three of my friends (I don't recall if I've mentioned it before). I have 30 things to do before I'm 30. In 2009, I crossed five things off. That's a good start I think, and I'm hoping to get to more in 2010. The ones I've been looking at lately are these:
*have a picnic in Liberty Park
*get a massage
*send a postcard to someone in another state
*sketch a scenic view
*hike Angel's Landing in Zion National Park
*land more snowboarding jumps
There are also long-term goals on my list, like get a degree, pay off my car, continue to go without cutting, and see every Heath Ledger movie, that I work towards little by little in relative increments. I will be 27 next month, so there's still time, but it's nice to have a list of things to work towards doing.
I also have a few other things that I haven't put on any list, but I've been thinking about for 2010.
*build my self-confidence
*be able to be true to myself
*continue to build my relationship with my girlfriend
*take more pictures
2009 was okay for me. But I'm hoping 2010 will be absolutely great. So here's to another year, another decade, and another moment of living life; here's to goals and the motivation to accomplishing them; here's to friends and family who help along the way. Cheers!
I was going through some things in my room and I came across this poem that I wrote about a year ago. I had decided that there was no longer any good in fighting the truth and that I was gay, but I didn't know what to do next. I hadn't told anyone. I was terrified of what other people might think and do and say. And when I get like that, the best way I know how to deal with what I feel is to write it down.
"If I Could Tell You"
I am chained to the truth,
I cannot change its color or its voice,
it speaks the words it has to speak
and does not offer me a choice...
it does not listen in the night
when my dreams seek to change its mind,
it knows what it knows,
and what that is, is up to me to find...
it knows my name and my struggle
and still pursues my heart,
I have tried to run and tried to fight,
yet still, we cannot live apart...
so it seems this truth is mine,
I cannot change what has to be,
it will exist as it is,
always remaining chained to me...
if only it was acceptable
for what was true to indeed be true,
perhaps then, I could live and love
and have nothing to fear from you.
I remember writing it and feeling that way. I'm glad that I don't always feel that way anymore.
Sometimes being gay is still a struggle, mostly in the context of my family and where I fit in now, if I fit in now. And sometimes I still get a little worried when someone new finds out. But I'm kind of an anxious kid by nature anyway. All in all though, I've found my truth and I've found my own acceptance of it. It's not the end of the world like I once thought it would be.
A year ago, I didn't know which way to turn or what to do. I wasn't sure if I would be okay. I didn't think I would ever stand in a place where I wasn't afraid or ashamed. I didn't think I would ever tell my family my truth.
I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I know what a difference a year can make.
03 January 2010
1) I came out.
These three words seem so small in comparison to the kind of thing "coming out" can be. It's definitely a process. Sometimes it's easier than others. And it something that continues to be a process. It's not like you can come out to everyone at the same time. There are people that I haven't met yet. One day I might share with them that I am gay. But as I continue to become more comfortable with myself and my choices and my life, I think it will get easier to come out and not have it be such an ordeal. In 2009, it was a rough. But I got through it.
2) I did not cut myself once.
Cutting has been a massively huge problem for me since I was 14. I officially quit in 2008. It will be two years "sober" in July. So for the entire calendar year, for the first time in eleven years, I was self-injury free. You have no idea how much that amazes me, or how incredible it feels.
3) I started a serious relationship with a girl.
It wasn't like I was looking for one...it just kind of happened. And I'm so glad that it did. We've been together for five months next week and we both feel like there are many more good months waiting for us. This has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it's really nice to be happy with someone.
4) My youngest sister and her husband met my girlfriend.
I suppose this could technically be a sub-category of coming out and starting a relationship, but to me it stands on its own. The rest of my family has been very adamant about wanting nothing to do with my girlfriend and our relationship. When my sister and her husband wanted to meet her and invited us into their home, it really meant a lot to me.
5) I went to some amazing concerts.
I love music almost more than anything, so I love concerts! Incubus is my most favorite band and I love it when they come to town. Their music and lyrics are just poetry to me. I saw Tool and their show was amazing. They do a lot of effects with lighting and lasers and smoke and it was really awesome. I also saw the Utah Symphony, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Spyro-Gyra, and Tower of Power.
6) I saw the USAF Thunderbirds twice.
Once in June when they came to Hill AFB in Layton and once in November when I went to Nellis AFB in Las Vegas. They always put on a good show and I love every second of it. Nellis was my girlfriend's first airshow and I'm glad that she liked it. We plan on going to Nellis every year now.
7) I've been at my job for over five years.
Now it's actually closer to six. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but I guess there's something to be said for loyalty. Plus I get an extra week of vacation now.
8) I went back to school.
More difficult than I hoped but not as difficult as I anticipated. I took Intermediate Algebra (Math 1010) and actually pulled an A. I think the last time I got an A in math was my first semester of seventh grade. I'm signed up for College Algebra (Math 1050) and school starts for me on Tuesday. And textbooks are still wickedly expensive.
9) I lost a good friend.
I moved out of the apartment I had with my roommate of four years. We had been friends since high school. Unfortunately, our friendship was one of the casualties of my coming out. It has really been the only casualty and I don't really know why. It's been difficult and I miss her, but maybe we'll be able to be friends again someday.
10) My Great-Grandma died.
She was 99 and ready to go. Didn't make it a whole lot easier. But I learned so much from her and I am so glad that I was able to have a relationship with her. It's something I will cherish for the rest of my life.
As I look forward to 2010 and what possibilities a new year can bring, I hope that I can take what I learned from 2009 and continue moving forward. It wasn't all good, it wasn't all bad, and all in all, it's time that I'm grateful was mine. 2010, bring it on.