07 January 2010

What A Difference

School started this week and I should be doing homework right now but I've decided to skip it for the moment in favor of something else.

I was going through some things in my room and I came across this poem that I wrote about a year ago. I had decided that there was no longer any good in fighting the truth and that I was gay, but I didn't know what to do next. I hadn't told anyone. I was terrified of what other people might think and do and say. And when I get like that, the best way I know how to deal with what I feel is to write it down.

"If I Could Tell You"

I am chained to the truth,
I cannot change its color or its voice,
it speaks the words it has to speak
and does not offer me a choice...

it does not listen in the night
when my dreams seek to change its mind,
it knows what it knows,
and what that is, is up to me to find...

it knows my name and my struggle
and still pursues my heart,
I have tried to run and tried to fight,
yet still, we cannot live apart...

so it seems this truth is mine,
I cannot change what has to be,
it will exist as it is,
always remaining chained to me...

if only it was acceptable
for what was true to indeed be true,
perhaps then, I could live and love
and have nothing to fear from you.

I remember writing it and feeling that way. I'm glad that I don't always feel that way anymore.

Sometimes being gay is still a struggle, mostly in the context of my family and where I fit in now, if I fit in now. And sometimes I still get a little worried when someone new finds out. But I'm kind of an anxious kid by nature anyway. All in all though, I've found my truth and I've found my own acceptance of it. It's not the end of the world like I once thought it would be.

A year ago, I didn't know which way to turn or what to do. I wasn't sure if I would be okay. I didn't think I would ever stand in a place where I wasn't afraid or ashamed. I didn't think I would ever tell my family my truth.

I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I know what a difference a year can make.


Anonymous said...

This is a very powerful poem. And, so true of many feelings I, too, have had in the past. Thank you for sharing it.

I am sad that things are tough with your family. Hopefully, in time, things will change and get better for you with them. I know right after I left my marriage and came back home, my parents, especially, wanted nothing to do with me. It was very troubling and hurtful for me. Then, because of my dad's employment, they left the country for several months. Those months away helped them see they DID and DO love me and wanted me in their lives. Things have been MUCH better since. I hope something cathartic can happen for your family, as well.

Happy night. :)