So I believe I mentioned in my last post that I have been feeling like the Gospel and the Church are two separate things in my mind. Today I also realized that I no longer consider myself to be a part of the LDS Church. I'm still a member. Yet it's not my church anymore.
This has been a long time coming. Since I was ten, I have hated going to Church. I don't like the feeling that I have when I am there. I feel terrible and I can't wait to escape.
I don't enjoy hearing that if someone isn't LDS, then they can't truly be a good person, or can't really be happy, or they are lost and must be saved, whatever and etc.
I've done a lot of thinking and soul-searching during this past year. Because of that, I feel like now I am more prepared to make these decisions for myself. Consequently, I don't feel like I can be a part of a church that hinders my right to spiritual experiences and my sacred relationship with my Creator. I think there is something amiss when I feel like my church does not, cannot, and will not value me as much as He does. If spirituality is important to me, then I have every right to strive towards God and pursue and participate in things that uplift me spiritually. No one can take that away from me, nor should they. I have appreciated the role the LDS Church has played in my life until recently, and I fully understood the good it does and can do for people. But perhaps it isn't for me.
I am at a place where I feel like it's time to make some decisions. I think I'm going to explore the possibility of finding a new church to attend. I'd like to see what else is out there and if I feel any differently in a different congregation. I am looking for a place where faith is celebrated, and all are welcomed, and people practice what they preach. Maybe it's out there, maybe it's not...but if I don't look, I'll never find it.
Ultimately, my faith is my own, and my relationship with God is my own. I do not believe I will be punished for following my heart, because it is the heart that He gave me.
I might be wandering, but for the first time in a long time, I absolutely do not feel lost.