So I believe I mentioned in my last post that I have been feeling like the Gospel and the Church are two separate things in my mind. Today I also realized that I no longer consider myself to be a part of the LDS Church. I'm still a member. Yet it's not my church anymore.
This has been a long time coming. Since I was ten, I have hated going to Church. I don't like the feeling that I have when I am there. I feel terrible and I can't wait to escape.
I don't enjoy hearing that if someone isn't LDS, then they can't truly be a good person, or can't really be happy, or they are lost and must be saved, whatever and etc.
I've done a lot of thinking and soul-searching during this past year. Because of that, I feel like now I am more prepared to make these decisions for myself. Consequently, I don't feel like I can be a part of a church that hinders my right to spiritual experiences and my sacred relationship with my Creator. I think there is something amiss when I feel like my church does not, cannot, and will not value me as much as He does. If spirituality is important to me, then I have every right to strive towards God and pursue and participate in things that uplift me spiritually. No one can take that away from me, nor should they. I have appreciated the role the LDS Church has played in my life until recently, and I fully understood the good it does and can do for people. But perhaps it isn't for me.
I am at a place where I feel like it's time to make some decisions. I think I'm going to explore the possibility of finding a new church to attend. I'd like to see what else is out there and if I feel any differently in a different congregation. I am looking for a place where faith is celebrated, and all are welcomed, and people practice what they preach. Maybe it's out there, maybe it's not...but if I don't look, I'll never find it.
Ultimately, my faith is my own, and my relationship with God is my own. I do not believe I will be punished for following my heart, because it is the heart that He gave me.
I might be wandering, but for the first time in a long time, I absolutely do not feel lost.
13 July 2009
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4 comments:
I feel the same way. I have looked for another church, but sadly...have not found one. It's going to be hard for us, because as we were taught...there is only one true church and other churches have only a part of the truth...blah blah blah.
Wow, it takes a lot of maturity to arrive to that point, but just like everything else you have to look out for #1, always.
I've heard from a lot of people that the Unitarian Church has a fairly diverse and welcoming community and they don't force-feed you any kind of doctrine or dogma. I think I'm going to check them out on Sunday, want to come along? Send me an email publicloneliness@gmail.com or catch me on facebook!
Hugs,pl
Amy, I do wish you good luck in your search, and I am happy to learn that you want to stay within an "organized religion" if possible, because there are many benefits to having a community "family." I am sorry, however, that your LDS community family hasn't been as supportive as mine has been, and that your experience at church has lacked. "I don't feel like I can be a part of a church that hinders my right to spiritual experiences and my sacred relationship with my Creator." This, I cannot fathom, because for me the church has not been a hindrance, but a catalyst.
I do hope you find what you're looking for, and that you keep writing...
Amen.
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