So I've had time to ponder my blog and its place in my life. I know I'm not the first to have the "blogging identity crisis" and I'm sure I won't be the last. But I think I know where I'm at now. Here's what I've been thinking about.
First: it's times like this where I wish I had a web camera so that I could accurately portray my mood and tone of voice. Alas, the technology for that escapes me for now. So I'm left with the disclaimer approach, which goes something like this...
I am a passive person, sometimes referred to as a peace-maker. Conflict is not my game. None of what I write here is written in the spirit of anger, resentment, frustration, anything like that. It is just how I would say it if I were talking with a friend, and that's the tone that I most often use when writing on my blogs. If I'm all fired up about something, usually I will make mention of that. Not the case with this post.
Second: this blog is really important to me. I know that being able to write about my feelings and my experiences has helped me work through some of the negative issues that I have personally come across. Being a part of a blogging community has also helped me immensely, because I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who feels this way or deals with the religious ripple effect, and I've been able to meet some really great people in the "real world" because of it.
Third: I still have things I want to say and write and put out there. I feel this is important because, for whatever reason, there are more male Moho's than female Moho's. To be a voice and to be a potential point of hope for someone is a great honor and privilege to me.
Fourth: This is my blog and will own that. If you are unhappy with anything you've read, don't hesitate to contact me and we can discuss it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and feelings and I'm totally on board with that. Know that I will give you and your opinion respect if you return the favor. If you continue to be unhappy with my posts and my thoughts and what I put on here, by all means, please don't read. It won't hurt my feelings.
To my unintended audience, I think you can guess who you are, allow me a few words. Perhaps the knowledge of me that comes from this blog is a surprise to you. Perhaps it's not. Regardless, I am who I am and this is the path I am embracing. Maybe you thought you knew me all those years, but there were so many things I never shared. I was miserable. I was hurting myself. I was suicidal. I hated everything and everyone because I was so unhappy. That's not a way to live. I am not that way anymore. I am happy. For the first time in so very long, I love my life! I feel like I've solved the mystery that hung over my head all those years. I feel whole and complete. I know that God loves me and He is still very much a part of my life. I invite Him daily to be with me and I feel His presence. I do not consider myself wayward or corrupt or evil. I am proud of who I am. If you don't like that, you don't have to. I'm not asking you to congratulate me. I hope that whatever stereotypes or ideas you have about gay people, you will remember that I am not a stereotype and I am not typical, and being gay is not a curse or a crime or a reason to hate. I am just me, mostly like you have always known, except with more sunlight in my life now.
My life is good and I enjoy it. And I'm going to keep blogging so I can share that joy. Come with me, if you like.