This last week and a half has been a bit of a roller coaster. Big stress stuff, dealing with the craziness that life can throw right at you.
Probably the biggest curve was the sudden and unexpected passing of my grandma. It's still really weird to me that she's gone. It doesn't seem real, then it seems all too real. This grandma is my mom's mother. I went with my mom when she was with my uncles, making plans and being at the house, finding pictures, stuff like that. I wrote my grandma's obituary and I spoke at the funeral. Crazy. I miss her.
I did notice though that through this, I felt a renewed sense of spirituality. Many of us expressed such a sense of peace about the whole thing, a general feeling of okay-ness. We know that she's with grandpa, that she's safe and whole. We have sadness, because we miss her, but not sorrow. She was an amazing woman, faithful and stronger than she knew. We had a family fast, which I participated in. I shook the dust off my scriptures when writing my thoughts for the funeral. I consider myself to still be a spiritual person, even though I don't regularly attend church, but this was a different sense. Perhaps it had to do with the nature of the reason for being spiritual in the first place.
Regardless, the spirituality part was kind of nice. It was nice to be able to be stand in front of my family, in a church, and say the things that are truly in my heart. While I would have much rather not had the opportunity as it presented itself, it was an opportunity to show my family that I am still a good person with a strong and current faith. I may not be completely active in the LDS church, but I feel that I'm still close to God.
And then Conference happened.
My sisters live out of town and when they returned home after the funeral, my parents went with them for Conference weekend. I chose not to watch Conference.
Facebook was all a-flutter with plenty of reactions though. I am glad I didn't see or hear President Packer's talk. It worries me that my family did. I felt like we were making progress, and I am hoping with all the hope I have that it won't be set back by the message President Packer chose to give.
What will the consequences be? Do the brethren think about that? They talk about the Family: A Proclamation to the World, but do they think about all the families out there that have wedges between them, built with words spoken in their voice? What about the mothers and fathers who want to be devout and follow the leaders of the Church, but love their children unconditionally (as I believe they should) and want them to have rights and protections too? What about all the people they advised once to marry as a "cure" for same-gender attraction, whose marriages disintegrate, whose children cry as their parents separate? Do they think about that?
Do they care about family or not?
I worry that they sometimes do not understand just have grave the consequences can be, that they do not understand how far their voices actually reach, that they may be saying things that will be the final straw for some struggling, quivering soul. Some people need hope, but instead of finding the hope they so desperately need, they may have found yet another reason for shame, guilt, and devastation.
I'm sure not all of Conference was bad. I'm sure there were messages of beauty and goodness too. You can usually count on Elder Holland and President Uchdorf.
So there you go, that's my two cents. I'm sure it's not worth more than that. Just mostly thinking in the form of blog.