12 March 2009

Some Days...

There is not a map that I know of that draws a direct line for getting to acceptance. And there's more than one way to get there. That can be a good thing. It can also be confusing as hell.

Some days, I feel I can be accepting of myself. There are some days where I am completely comfortable with the knowledge that I am gay. I know it's not all of me. I feel what I feel and I don't judge myself for it. It just is.

Some days, I feel like it's the end of the world. I don't know how I can live with myself knowing what I know, thinking what I think, and feeling what I feel. It seems like it's so wrong, and I am terrible for all of it.

Some days, I'm just plain frustrated, going back and forth between hating myself and trying to show the smallest hint of compassion for the struggle that my heart is caught up in.

And sometimes, as weird as it sounds, it's almost like I can feel all of it at once. It's an overpowering bouquet of emotion. I'd rather look at roses.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when it will be okay to be me in any light, on any street, at any hour of the day. I want it to be okay. I want to be okay enough with who I am that I can meet that day with a smile on my face. Is it out there? Is it a dream?

I hope it's a dream that can come true.