20 March 2009

The Treehouse

Sometimes I wonder about what God wants from me.

I was not taught to feel this way. I was not taught about what to do with these feelings or how to react to them. If anything, I was taught to believe that if they did exist, nothing good could come from them.

I was told to find a nice young man who would take me to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. The end. There is not another way.

This is the only faith I've known, and it seems now that it has no comfort for me. I thought that faith was supposed to be about hope instead of guilt. But guilt is all I feel. And hope? Not so much. Being told that my only option is to be alone, live alone, die alone, is not hopeful. I understand that celibacy is expected for any member who is single. But if I was straight, at least I would have the option to date and be close to someone and be loved by someone. If I was straight, at least I could have contact with someone. It wouldn't be a sin to hold someone's hand or snuggle close to them, or kiss them.

That's how the rules are though. Anyone who is heterosexual is allowed to play the game. Anyone who isn't...sidelines for you. And don't you dare move. You're a spectator and that's all you're allowed to be.

Sometimes I even feel like the faith that I have been taught to trust in has turned its back on me. It's like the LDS Church has the neighborhood treehouse, and the sign out front reads NO GAYS ALLOWED. I guess that's because I feel more like an elephant in the room than a daughter of God.

I wish I had a place to be me. I wish I had a safe place where I could be myself and express my feelings and it would be okay. I wish there was enough love in the world that people could just be happy and not judge others for the kind of love they wanted, and you wouldn't be a freak of nature begging for the wrath of God for loving differently. I wish that other people wouldn't decide for me how I should love or who I should love.

But I'm not allowed in the treehouse. And that makes me feel like I should turn somewhere else.


alex dumas said...

This...is the hardest thing.