I feel like I've been in a weird frame of mind for the last month or so. I feel like I've been doing more soul searching than I've done in a long time.
I think part of it comes from thinking about Andy. I've learned more about the circumstances of his death and it's very rattling to me. Drugs were involved. Andy had struggled with addiction for a long time. Even his obituary says that he lost his battle with drug addiction. I have found that to be a sobering reminder. I've been an addict myself, though not to substances. To be reminded that the fight is never really over is tough, to say the least. You can be sober for years and still be close enough to the edge that one misstep will send you falling, perhaps to never get up again.
And unfortunately, when you start thinking about and worrying about your addiction, that addiction becomes a much more present force in your life.
In grieving for Andy, I've been trying to remember what he taught me. He was such a light, filled with so much positive energy.
"Today I will only expect great things! Today I will only be the LOVE I wish to experience in my life! Today I will excel in my forgiveness of my negative thoughts, and only feel the positive flow of the universe ever working in my life! Today I will be HAPPY! Today I will be me!"
"In this day and age, life can feel as though you are struggling, and things just aren't as they seem...for a few weeks my life has been on an up sweep of loving energy that I know is moving me forward into more and more blessings! My higher power blesses me more and more each day. It's my awareness to this energy's presence that allows me to feel as amazing as I do!"
Life doesn't stop, even when you want it to. It's funny how important a small moment can be much later. As we try to move forward, I hope to do so in a way that I can be proud of, and that will not turn my life towards shadows I have moved out of. Just because I cast those shadows and they follow me doesn't mean I have to walk back into their arms.
TODAY I know that good things are ahead of me. As I work towards what I want from my life, I know I have to enrich my life with good and positive things. TODAY I won't ask for my obstacles to be removed, but rather I will ask for strength and courage to face them until I can overcome them. TODAY I will remember that I am blessed. TODAY I will thank God for Andy and for all the wonderful people who bring positive energy to my life!