Sometimes I see this fight with myself as a storm. The intensity of it shifts like the wind. Sometimes it spins me completely out of control and I feel like my feet are no where near the ground.
Sometimes I feel like I am standing in the eye. I feel centered and calm and right. I feel like I know who I am and what I'm doing.
The problem with being in the eye is that you're still surrounded by the storm. The eye of the storm still isn't safe. And it doesn't last.
The more I work on trying to accept myself for who I am, the more I am starting to see that there is real freedom in knowing who you are. The process of trying to understand who I am has been and continues to feel complicated. I'm sure a lot of that is the pressure I put on myself. But it's a process that I'm willing to go through. Today, I really want to. I want to let a little sunlight into these hidden corners and clear out the dust and the cobwebs. Today, I am willing to be me for all of who I am.
Tomorrow, the pressure may come back. I may once again find myself feeling helpless amid the turmoil. The way my thoughts can shift and have shifted doesn't make much linear sense. The colors change even when I don't move. The weather can change whether I want it to or not. The storm spins on, and with it come the questions, the shame, and the fear.
But I guess without those moments, I wouldn't really appreciate quiet ones like these.