14 April 2009

What If I'm The Bad Guy?

Suppose a boy steals an apple
from the tray at the grocery store,
and they all begin to call him a thief,
the editor, minister, judge, and all the people--
'a thief' 'a thief' 'a thief' wherever he goes.
And he can't get work, and he can't get bread
without stealing it, why the boy will steal.
It's the way the people regard the theft of the apple
that makes the boy what he is
(Spoon River Anthology)

In the wake of Iowa and Vermont, things have been a little...weird. My own feelings about the new legalization of same-sex marriage are not in harmony with the feelings of my church, my family, and some of my friends. I feel like the oil that can only float on top of water, never blending in.

I am very much afraid of what will happen if/when I inform the people in my life about this part of me. Part of me thinks that if I try to assert my feelings and thoughts about people who are gay, the world I know will see through me and my secret will be revealed. I really don't think I'm ready for that.

There are days where it is so easy for me to believe in me, and to trust in my own acceptance of myself. I can be happy with who I am.

Today was not one of those days.

Today was one of those days where I couldn't shake the grayness that had me in its grip (it wasn't the rain...usually my mood brightens when the weather is stormy...it's my favorite). Today I seem to be feeling the weight that comes from carrying this secret and hiding who I am. It's the weight of guilt and shame. And it seems to be pressing upon my shoulders even more since hearing my dear sweet Gram talk about "what a shame" homosexuality is, and my roommate comment on how "gay people have absolutely no morals," and the NOM advertising their own agenda. Yes, I feel a storm coming...but it's on a warpath and is ready to destroy any gay person in its path.

So when I say "I am gay" and it feels right...does that make me wrong?

Why does being gay negate everything else about you? Why does it automatically mean you're disgusting, and that suddenly everything in the entire universe which happens to be disgusting is now a part of your playground?

Why can't people just open their eyes? Why can't they see it when their words bring tears to my eyes?

I don't want to be told that there's something wrong with me. I don't want to be told that I'm a wicked disease, or that my feelings are going to take away another person's rights, or that this is a struggle that just has to be endured because it won't exist in the next life. I don't want to be told that the type of love I could give and that I dream about is shameful and immoral. I don't want to be told that I am not good enough, and that I can never be enough.

The more I hear it though, the more it wears me down. It's getting harder and harder to believe that it isn't true.


Scott said...

Hang in there! I know it can get tiresome to hear the negativity from those whose love and respect and good opinions matter to us.

I promise you that there's nothing wrong with you, and that you're not wicked, and that you are good enough.

Eventually you'll be ready to come out to family and friends, and many of them, knowing what a good person you are, will immediately revise their views on homosexuality. With others the change won't be as drastic or as immediate, and there might be some who won't change at all, but those who love you will continue to love you.

(And there are many of us here in the blogosphere who love you too) :)

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

"I promise you that there's nothing wrong with you, and that you're not wicked, and that you are good enough."

Trust Scott when he tells you this. He has had to reassure me time and time again that I am not a bad influence or a bad person because of how I feel. As cliche as this sounds,

"The sun will come out tomorrow.."


Pancakes said...

You asked why being gay negates everything else about you. I have always had a problem with this and am still trying to find answers for why this is the case. I believe that the individual themselves have much to do with it. They walk in shame for being gay and unfortunately when people look at them, they see shame. Yes, a different kind of shame. A shame for no actions, only for feelings. Still shame.

I only hope that gay people will start to stand up for who they are and walk with light in their eyes and know that they are not a sin or wrong.

Every since I have realized that, people have complimented on my happiness. Oh, I have a boyfriend, so how could this be? Because I am not ashamed of something I shouldn't be.

It is possible.

Hang in there.