20 November 2009

Finding A Place

I was thinking today about my blog and other blogs that I read, particularly in the MoHo blogging world. There are definitely varying degrees of involvement when it comes to being active in the LDS Church, both in daily life and in the thoughts that are posted. I guess I've been wondering about where my blog and my thoughts fall along that spectrum.

I was raised in a strong LDS home. My parents and my sisters are very active. They hold callings, they put all the artwork on the walls, they do their home/visiting teaching, and so on. I was baptized and confirmed when I was eight. I've done baptisms for the dead since I was twelve. I got my patriarchal blessing and my Young Women's Medallion when I was seventeen. I received my endowments when I was twenty, got married in the temple a week later when I was twenty-one. The foundation of my faith is based on LDS doctrine. That probably will never change.

While I consider myself LDS, I would not say I'm an active member right now. I don't go to church because I don't like to, and haven't since I was ten. I don't like how uncomfortable I feel when I'm there. So I choose not to go.

For me, the presence of the actual Church has never been as strong in my life as my own personal faith. I've always been more about individual study, learning on my own, being the one to find answers to my own questions. In finding meaning that is relevant to my own life, thoughts, and emotions, it means more to me and it stays with me.

I feel like I followed the path that was laid out for me. Perhaps my mistake was that my heart was never really in it completely. I feel emotions very intensely, and the way I feel in Church settings is overwhelming to me, which is probably why I've always been about learning on my own terms.

Where I stand on the LDS spectrum, maybe I don't know, but I think we fall where we need to in the scheme of things. I learn a lot from other blogs, whether it's about doctrines or daily life, someone's actions and someone else's response, the feelings someone else has, the thoughts they have, the way they put their phrases together. I think it's good for me to think about things in a different light.

When it comes right down to it, I rely on a faith that is unique to me. I can't keep leaning on the faith of my parents or my bishop or my whoever. No, I'm not active, but I still very much think in LDS terms. I'm finding my own path, and I really feel like it's going to be okay.

We all have to do what we feel is right, because at the end of the day, none of us can live the life of another. We have to work with what was given to us. Some of us have to work through it. Whether it's at church every Sunday or not, we all have a place. Sometimes it's just a matter of finding it.


El Genio said...

Well said. :)

shaantvis said...

Same here, I don't really consider myself active (although I do have to attend Church in order to keep my Ecclesiastical endorsement at BYU) but I still think in very Mormon terms. Sometimes I underestimate how much that is a part of me, having been born and raised in it and even serving a full two year mission. At times I feel as if its all programming, and I've been going through a sort of knee jerk reaction against it. Thanks for posting your thoughts on this.

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