10 June 2011

Great Expectations

I feel like I'm in a weird place lately when it comes to blogging.  I haven't been blogging very much, haven't really felt like blogging lately.  It's not that I don't want to.  But I feel like there's something in me that is stopping me from sitting down and taking the time to punch out a post.  So I'm going to try something here that might be a little different than what I normally do.  I haven't really thought about this post very much.  I'm just going to spill a little bit and write as it comes to me.  If it happens to be fragmented and strange, oh well.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a lot of freedom on my blogs.  I know that some readers of this blog are people who have known me for years out in the "real world" and sometimes that scares me.  Sometimes that hinders what I would like to say.  I find that I am censoring myself.

But more than that, I find that the expectations I have for myself bring me to not write things that I probably could.  I want to write something profound, something that can bring people into my experiences, something that can help others if they need it.  I want to learn from what I share because I know that when I stand next to it and look at it in a real, raw sort of way, it makes more sense to me.

But I don't always have something brilliant and profound to share.

Some of the people I work with have recently started blogging.  I've been reading their posts and I love the feel of it.  They just write.  They take their thoughts, no matter what they are, and they aren't afraid to put them out there.  It doesn't matter what someone else says or comments about.  It's their blog and they say what they want because it's their space to say what they want.  And I admire them for that.  It seems like they don't have restrictions.

But that's because they don't give themselves the restrictions.

I'm really good at putting up walls and barriers and building myself a nice little nest of nothingness.  All it does is keep me in one spot, doesn't let me see the scenery or open up and explore the world around me.  I get scared, I get nervous, I get anxious, and I let that be bigger than what I really want.  I'm working on it.  And I'm getting better.  But it's a conscious effort, and sometimes I get tired.

Knowing is half the battle though.

So I think I'm moving into a different place when it comes to this blog.  I make no promises, but I'd like to try and come back to the blogging world.  I want to find that freedom that I think I used to have.  I want it to feel real again, instead of just a product of what I'm "expected" to write.  That's what school is for.

The only expectations that should worry me are my own.  And I'd like to try giving myself a bit of a break.  It is summer vacation, after all.

My name is Amy, and this is my blog.  I'm going to make it mine again.


Kim Nordyke said...

I love real! Looking forward to seeing your blog as you "just be." :)