23 September 2009

Dear God...

I've never been really good at talking to you, because I always figured there were more important people you would rather listen to. But if I could just trouble you for one spare moment...

I don't understand what you want from me. I don't believe that you want any of your children to be unhappy or to be in pain. I've spent a lot of my life that way, I know that it's miserable, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. That's why I've embraced the happiness that I've felt during the last 44 days. I think about the way everything happened, and it's hard to think it was all just coincidence and chance, because it feels more like it was meant to be. My heart doesn't hurt anymore. I'm happy to wake up in the morning. I laugh. I smile. I finally feel alive.

People say that it's wrong. People say that it can't be and shouldn't be. People say things that hurt, people who are my blood, people who say that they speak for you. People say you wouldn't make me this way. But for the first time in my life, I feel normal. I tried to do things the way I was taught, I tried to believe, I tried to go to church and say my prayers and have a temple recommend. I tried to get married the way I was supposed to, because I thought it would make me into the person everyone, including you, wanted me to be. And it felt wrong. It was torture. I hated every second of my life and I hated myself.

Is that really what you want from me?

Should I give her up and go back to wanting to die every day? Should I tell her I can't see her anymore and go back to hating every breath I take?

I don't know who you want me to be, because I feel like I can't give anymore than I already have. I can't be someone I'm not anymore. So please, if it's not too much trouble, please just help me understand what I'm supposed to do.


alex dumas said...

This is good...including him.
Ask him to show you who you are. You'll be amazed.

Chris said...

I have really felt the same way...It makes you wonder? I wish God had a blog and he could answer some of these questions :) I guess He answers with the peace we can feel by being who He made us.