28 September 2009


Don't know if you can tell from my last post, but this week has been very explosive. Both my sister and my parents confronted me about whether or not I am gay. So now everyone knows, whether I was ready or not, whether they wanted to or not. What's done is done.

Cue the tension.

Unfortunately, the conversation I had with my parents wasn't very long. They didn't get home from church until 2pm and I had to be at work by 3pm. I think I would feel better if it would have been a knock-down-drag-out conversation, because I still feel like there's lots more to say and talk about, but I don't know when that's going to happen.

My sister (the middle sister) sent me an email asking me flat out if I was or wasn't gay. She mentioned that she didn't feel comfortable talking about it, so I sent her an email reply. She's having a tough time with it.

My youngest sister, who has known for a few months, is feeling like our family is being torn apart. Both my mom and my middle sister have been calling her and leaning on her for information. To her credit, my youngest sister has told them over and over that it's not her information to share. But that takes its toll.

My mom wanted to talk to me over Sunday lunch. She did all of the talking. My dad pretty much just shut down. He stared at his plate and wouldn't look at me or my mom. I got the impression from my mom that she thinks it's just a phase to get through and everything will be better on the other side. I know that she thinks being gay is a choice, and there were a couple times where I felt like she was saying to me "you know better than this."

Today, both my parents are acting like nothing happened yesterday. But for me, it will never be the same. It can't be.

So the TNT left a big crater, but no one wants to look at it, or talk about it, or find a way to live with it. Maybe we'll just keep walking around it for the rest of our lives instead of trying to build a bridge across. But what's done is done.



El Genio said...

I'm so sorry you've had all this tension added to things before you were really ready. It's frustrating when people respond with the "it's just a phase" attitude, especially since as adults we deserve more respect than that.

Scott said...

My coming out to my family was a bit more intentional, but the end result wasn't much different--for a while there was a lot of worry and discomfort and awkwardness.

A lot of that did eventually ease with my parents and some of my siblings, at least. Things aren't perfect yet, but they're getting better.

I believe that love will always win. Your family loves you. Hang in there. :)

Jenz said...

This will pass. Trust me. At least you can be honest about who you are now with them. But they will probably choose to over look the crater -- unless you make it a point to have them face it.

And just so you know...after coming out many many years ago. My brothers never ask me about my wife...they don't talk about it at all. My mom and sister are good about it though...after years of me training them.

So some people may never be comfortable dealing with it. And that's fine. It doesn't have to be an every day conversation or realization that you are gay. They know now and if they have questions, I hope they will ask you. My mom had A LOT of questions.

Sorry you had to jump this hurdle before you were ready. But I bet it turns out for the best in the end.

Scott said...

So some people may never be comfortable dealing with it.

It's good to be realistic, but never say never, and never give up.

Some friends of ours have a gay son (let's call him Adam) who's been with the love of his life (we'll call him Steve) for several years.

Steve's parents were always resistant to the relationship. Every time Adam and Steve visited them Steve would replace his photo on the mantle with one of him and Adam together, and every time they left his parents would swap it out again with a photo of Steve by himself.

Adam and Steve were able to marry in CA last year, but because it was a quick civil ceremony they hadn't been able to have family and friends there, so they recently held a reception/ceremony so that their families could celebrate their union with them.

At this reception Steve's dad got choked up when he spoke of how much he had come to love Adam, and he gave Adam a huge hug, as father to son.

It took years of patient but firm insistence from Steve that his parents recognize and respect his relationship with Adam, but eventually love won.

A.J. said...

Adam and Steve, Scott how cliche' lol. It will get better.