Dear Mom and Dad,
I know that letters aren't always the best way to communicate, and for that I apologize. But I don't apologize for what I need to say because it's really important to me, and I would say it in person if I could.
Both of you have said to me repeatedly that you feel like I'm avoiding you, pulling away, becoming distant, or something along those lines. I would say that you are correct. Mostly this is because I don't always feel comfortable at home. I'm not sure how to respond to the questions you usually ask, such as how my day has been, what I've been up to, things like that. My understanding is that you don't want to know that real answer, and therefore I have a large part of my life that I don't share with you, and don't feel like I can share with you.
Regardless of if you're ashamed or angry and just don't want to acknowledge it, the reality of the situation is that I am gay and I have a girlfriend. I'm not in a relationship with her because I'm rebelling or trying to make you upset or because my marriage failed and I'm trying something new. We've been dating for six months and we're really happy. She's important to me and we're planning on being important to each other for a long time.
That doesn't mean she has to be important to you. You don't have to ask about her or invite her over. But you do need to know that my life includes her and I can't go on omitting so many details when you ask about where I go or who I'm with.
I'm not angry and I'm not trying to pick a fight. If anything, I'm sad. It's been very difficult for me to not tell you about my life right now, because I'm happy and stable and things are going so well, and I want so much to share that with you. You're my parents and I want you to be a part of what goes on in my life. But I respect both of you and realize that you have to deal with this in your own way, in your own time. However, I have accepted myself as I am, and I have to start being more honest, because I don't want to be ashamed of who I am.
If this is a problem, I can find somewhere else to go. I would hope that we can find a way to not be awkward around each other, find some common ground, and have things work out as best they can.
I love you both,
Amy
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Any thoughts?
11 February 2010
06 February 2010
Choosing Life
"I assured Ross of our love and understanding, our unwavering support and loyalty, but when, in absolute despair, he said, 'what's the point of going on? I can't ever marry in the temple and have a family. How do I get to the celestial kingdom? What happens to me?' I had no answers. I still don't.
"I could not advise him to keep coming to church, to hope for peace in the next life. There are graveyards full of young Latter-Day Saints who have tried.
"I choose life for my child. I would rather have him alive, living an authentic life, true to who he is, than to live a stalwart steadfast lie that backs him into a suicidal corner."
(Diane Oviatt, Oakland LDS Stake)
"I could not advise him to keep coming to church, to hope for peace in the next life. There are graveyards full of young Latter-Day Saints who have tried.
"I choose life for my child. I would rather have him alive, living an authentic life, true to who he is, than to live a stalwart steadfast lie that backs him into a suicidal corner."
(Diane Oviatt, Oakland LDS Stake)
04 February 2010
Crushed - February Theme
My first real crush was for a boy. His name was Preston and he played the trumpet. I noticed him when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th. I thought he was absolutely beautiful. And that's about as far as it went. 8th grade was the year that everything kind of fell apart.
But I have another first crush, and her name was Valerie.
Valerie and I met at work. I was 21, newly married, both young and naive. She was 30, never married, a devout Jehovah's Witness with a goofy sense of humor. I don't remember the exact moment when we became such good friends, but we did. And once I knew I could trust her, I opened up to her and she helped me through some really difficult parts of my life. We became really close.
When I look back now, it's obvious to me that I loved her as more than a friend. I wanted to be with her every second of every day. I thought about her constantly, wondered what she was doing, who she was with, when I would see her again. I would have rather been with her than at home with my husband, and I even consciously thought that on a few occasions when I was at home with my husband. I treasured every hug. I loved being special to her. And I was.
We met weekly for a Bible study. She knew that I struggled with my own religion and she wanted me to have a closer relationship with God. I knew her religion was important to her, and sharing it was just as important. I was curious about her beliefs more than anything, and of course I jumped at the chance to spend extra time with her, but I also learned a lot from her.
I never thought about her in a conscious sexual way, but I was definitely attracted to her. We had a connection that was very deep and very meaningful for both of us.
A few years ago, she moved back to Pennsylvania to help take care of her parents. I haven't really talked to her much since then, but I still think about her.
As I've gone through the process of coming out and coming to terms with who I am, I've actually wondered to myself if something really could have happened between us. I think there was something about our relationship that scared her, because I remember her saying once or twice before she moved that she was afraid we were getting too close. Of course hindsight is 20/20, but I've found myself also wondering if Valerie might be gay as well. I know that her religion was pretty much her entire life though, so if she is, I don't think she could come out for that reason.
Regardless, I wish her the best, because I've never stopped loving her.
But I have another first crush, and her name was Valerie.
Valerie and I met at work. I was 21, newly married, both young and naive. She was 30, never married, a devout Jehovah's Witness with a goofy sense of humor. I don't remember the exact moment when we became such good friends, but we did. And once I knew I could trust her, I opened up to her and she helped me through some really difficult parts of my life. We became really close.
When I look back now, it's obvious to me that I loved her as more than a friend. I wanted to be with her every second of every day. I thought about her constantly, wondered what she was doing, who she was with, when I would see her again. I would have rather been with her than at home with my husband, and I even consciously thought that on a few occasions when I was at home with my husband. I treasured every hug. I loved being special to her. And I was.
We met weekly for a Bible study. She knew that I struggled with my own religion and she wanted me to have a closer relationship with God. I knew her religion was important to her, and sharing it was just as important. I was curious about her beliefs more than anything, and of course I jumped at the chance to spend extra time with her, but I also learned a lot from her.
I never thought about her in a conscious sexual way, but I was definitely attracted to her. We had a connection that was very deep and very meaningful for both of us.
A few years ago, she moved back to Pennsylvania to help take care of her parents. I haven't really talked to her much since then, but I still think about her.
As I've gone through the process of coming out and coming to terms with who I am, I've actually wondered to myself if something really could have happened between us. I think there was something about our relationship that scared her, because I remember her saying once or twice before she moved that she was afraid we were getting too close. Of course hindsight is 20/20, but I've found myself also wondering if Valerie might be gay as well. I know that her religion was pretty much her entire life though, so if she is, I don't think she could come out for that reason.
Regardless, I wish her the best, because I've never stopped loving her.
02 February 2010
Groundhog Day
Happy Groundhog Day!
This is a day that is pretty important to me, and one that I'll always remember. It's not because of the cute little groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil that predicted six more weeks of winter today. It's not because of the Bill Murray movie. It's not because it's a week before my birthday.
It's because last year, on Groundhog Day, I came out to another person for the very first time.
What a nerve-wracking experience! Of course, I couldn't just say "I think I'm gay," I had to write it, because I was embarrassed and ashamed and terrified. I look back on it in my mind and I read through the journal I kept at that time and the overall feeling is just pure panic. I was so overwhelmed by it all and I thought that if anyone ever knew that I even thought I was gay, they would automatically hate me, reject me, berate me, and I would be left alone forever.
Thankfully, that hasn't been the case. Also thankfully, I'm not in that space anymore of hating myself for who and what I am. And I think that makes a difference in how other people see me, because if I don't make it a big deal that I'm gay, it doesn't have to be one.
I can't believe it's been a year already. I'm grateful that the person I did come out to was so understanding and supportive. That first step is huge and I felt every bit of how daunting it was. But I'm glad I did it, because I know I wouldn't be where I am if I would have chickened out. And things now really aren't all that bad. There's little difficulties still with the family, but other than that, life is pretty good.
Six more weeks of winter or not, Groundhog Day is bright and sunny for me, and I'm sure it will be for the rest of my life.
This is a day that is pretty important to me, and one that I'll always remember. It's not because of the cute little groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil that predicted six more weeks of winter today. It's not because of the Bill Murray movie. It's not because it's a week before my birthday.
It's because last year, on Groundhog Day, I came out to another person for the very first time.
What a nerve-wracking experience! Of course, I couldn't just say "I think I'm gay," I had to write it, because I was embarrassed and ashamed and terrified. I look back on it in my mind and I read through the journal I kept at that time and the overall feeling is just pure panic. I was so overwhelmed by it all and I thought that if anyone ever knew that I even thought I was gay, they would automatically hate me, reject me, berate me, and I would be left alone forever.
Thankfully, that hasn't been the case. Also thankfully, I'm not in that space anymore of hating myself for who and what I am. And I think that makes a difference in how other people see me, because if I don't make it a big deal that I'm gay, it doesn't have to be one.
I can't believe it's been a year already. I'm grateful that the person I did come out to was so understanding and supportive. That first step is huge and I felt every bit of how daunting it was. But I'm glad I did it, because I know I wouldn't be where I am if I would have chickened out. And things now really aren't all that bad. There's little difficulties still with the family, but other than that, life is pretty good.
Six more weeks of winter or not, Groundhog Day is bright and sunny for me, and I'm sure it will be for the rest of my life.
Do Tell
The first headline I saw on my homepage today read like this:
Top Uniformed Officer: Gay ban should be lifted
The top uniformed officer is Admiral Mike Mullen. This is my favorite quote from the article, in case you don't have time to read it.
"No matter how I look at the issue," Mullen said, "I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens." Noting that he was speaking for himself and not for the other service chiefs, Mullen added: "For me, it comes down to integrity — theirs as individuals and ours as an institution."
I really liked it and it kind of cheered me up a little bit today. It's good to know that the military that I so dearly support is looking into returning the favor in some way.
Top Uniformed Officer: Gay ban should be lifted
The top uniformed officer is Admiral Mike Mullen. This is my favorite quote from the article, in case you don't have time to read it.
"No matter how I look at the issue," Mullen said, "I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens." Noting that he was speaking for himself and not for the other service chiefs, Mullen added: "For me, it comes down to integrity — theirs as individuals and ours as an institution."
I really liked it and it kind of cheered me up a little bit today. It's good to know that the military that I so dearly support is looking into returning the favor in some way.
01 February 2010
Good News
My newest niece was born yesterday morning! She is three weeks early and a pleasant surprise! Through the miracle of technology, I've been able to see the pictures that my brother-in-law has posted on Facebook. She's such a cutie and I can't wait to meet her in person!
The really great thing is that there is no threat of losing her. When it comes to my other niece and nephew, I don't know if I will always be in good standing with their parents, which is something I've mentioned before. It's an interesting thing to play around with a 2 and 3 year old and have so much fun while having so much fear about it in the back of my mind, wondering if perhaps this is the last time I'll see them.
No such fear with this new little one. Her parents have already met my girlfriend and want me to be in their lives no matter what. Unconditional love at its finest. They don't necessarily agree and they love me anyway.
It's nice to finally have some good news.
The really great thing is that there is no threat of losing her. When it comes to my other niece and nephew, I don't know if I will always be in good standing with their parents, which is something I've mentioned before. It's an interesting thing to play around with a 2 and 3 year old and have so much fun while having so much fear about it in the back of my mind, wondering if perhaps this is the last time I'll see them.
No such fear with this new little one. Her parents have already met my girlfriend and want me to be in their lives no matter what. Unconditional love at its finest. They don't necessarily agree and they love me anyway.
It's nice to finally have some good news.
28 January 2010
Will It Do Any Good?
I feel like I'm stuck.
In the actual conversations I've had with my family regarding me being gay, I feel like my parents and my middle sister made it clear that they want nothing to do with the relationship I have with my girlfriend. We don't talk about it, they don't even know her name. But she's the most important person in my life. We spend a lot of time together and we're really happy together.
Consequently, I'm not home very much.
More and more lately, my parents love to bring that up. They tell me that they think I'm avoiding them and being distant. My mom likes to say that she feels like I don't love them anymore because I'm never there. That just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Of course, they're right. I am pulling away from them. Why wouldn't I? They ask how my day is or what I've been up to, but they don't want to know the answer. They don't want to hear about how nice my girlfriend is to me, what she said that really made me laugh, the situation with her niece that causes both of us to worry, or how I really wanted the Vikings to go to the Super Bowl because that's her team and I didn't want to see her sad face.
And since I don't know what to say to them, I don't say anything at all. I feel like I can't share this part of my life with them because they don't want to be a part of it. And you have no idea how much that hurts.
The last time my dad cornered me, I thought that maybe I would write them a letter or something, because my voice loves to fail me in those situations and I'm not confident enough in myself to say what I really want to say. But I don't know if it will do any good.
Perhaps once I have it finished, I'll post it and ask for your feedback.
Those of you that have experience with writing letters to the family, was it helpful?
In the actual conversations I've had with my family regarding me being gay, I feel like my parents and my middle sister made it clear that they want nothing to do with the relationship I have with my girlfriend. We don't talk about it, they don't even know her name. But she's the most important person in my life. We spend a lot of time together and we're really happy together.
Consequently, I'm not home very much.
More and more lately, my parents love to bring that up. They tell me that they think I'm avoiding them and being distant. My mom likes to say that she feels like I don't love them anymore because I'm never there. That just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Of course, they're right. I am pulling away from them. Why wouldn't I? They ask how my day is or what I've been up to, but they don't want to know the answer. They don't want to hear about how nice my girlfriend is to me, what she said that really made me laugh, the situation with her niece that causes both of us to worry, or how I really wanted the Vikings to go to the Super Bowl because that's her team and I didn't want to see her sad face.
And since I don't know what to say to them, I don't say anything at all. I feel like I can't share this part of my life with them because they don't want to be a part of it. And you have no idea how much that hurts.
The last time my dad cornered me, I thought that maybe I would write them a letter or something, because my voice loves to fail me in those situations and I'm not confident enough in myself to say what I really want to say. But I don't know if it will do any good.
Perhaps once I have it finished, I'll post it and ask for your feedback.
Those of you that have experience with writing letters to the family, was it helpful?
19 January 2010
MIssing You
Dear Moho Friends,
I miss you.
I miss going to the Moho parties and listening to the conversations you have, the laughter you share, and most importantly the hugs you give.
I miss going to Leatherby's for ice cream and being waited on by some poor kid named Nephi, when four of the five of us are gay.
I miss the 45 minute drive home with a smile on my face the entire time.
Someday Saturdays will slow down at work a bit and then maybe I can come to a Moho party again. Until then though, know that I love you all and miss you lots!
Amy
I miss you.
I miss going to the Moho parties and listening to the conversations you have, the laughter you share, and most importantly the hugs you give.
I miss going to Leatherby's for ice cream and being waited on by some poor kid named Nephi, when four of the five of us are gay.
I miss the 45 minute drive home with a smile on my face the entire time.
Someday Saturdays will slow down at work a bit and then maybe I can come to a Moho party again. Until then though, know that I love you all and miss you lots!
Amy
07 January 2010
2010 - January Theme
2010 is here and sometimes I can hardly believe it. Time seems to go by so quickly. Another year, come and gone, to be forgotten or learned from. I was never really one for resolutions but this year I've been thinking about what I want from 2010 and how to make it happen.
PERSONAL GOALS AND WHAT I HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH FOR 2010
Last year I made a "30 List" with three of my friends (I don't recall if I've mentioned it before). I have 30 things to do before I'm 30. In 2009, I crossed five things off. That's a good start I think, and I'm hoping to get to more in 2010. The ones I've been looking at lately are these:
*have a picnic in Liberty Park
*get a massage
*send a postcard to someone in another state
*sketch a scenic view
*hike Angel's Landing in Zion National Park
*land more snowboarding jumps
There are also long-term goals on my list, like get a degree, pay off my car, continue to go without cutting, and see every Heath Ledger movie, that I work towards little by little in relative increments. I will be 27 next month, so there's still time, but it's nice to have a list of things to work towards doing.
I also have a few other things that I haven't put on any list, but I've been thinking about for 2010.
*build my self-confidence
*be able to be true to myself
*continue to build my relationship with my girlfriend
*take more pictures
*write more
2009 was okay for me. But I'm hoping 2010 will be absolutely great. So here's to another year, another decade, and another moment of living life; here's to goals and the motivation to accomplishing them; here's to friends and family who help along the way. Cheers!
What A Difference
School started this week and I should be doing homework right now but I've decided to skip it for the moment in favor of something else.
I was going through some things in my room and I came across this poem that I wrote about a year ago. I had decided that there was no longer any good in fighting the truth and that I was gay, but I didn't know what to do next. I hadn't told anyone. I was terrified of what other people might think and do and say. And when I get like that, the best way I know how to deal with what I feel is to write it down.
"If I Could Tell You"
I am chained to the truth,
I cannot change its color or its voice,
it speaks the words it has to speak
and does not offer me a choice...
it does not listen in the night
when my dreams seek to change its mind,
it knows what it knows,
and what that is, is up to me to find...
it knows my name and my struggle
and still pursues my heart,
I have tried to run and tried to fight,
yet still, we cannot live apart...
so it seems this truth is mine,
I cannot change what has to be,
it will exist as it is,
always remaining chained to me...
if only it was acceptable
for what was true to indeed be true,
perhaps then, I could live and love
and have nothing to fear from you.
I remember writing it and feeling that way. I'm glad that I don't always feel that way anymore.
Sometimes being gay is still a struggle, mostly in the context of my family and where I fit in now, if I fit in now. And sometimes I still get a little worried when someone new finds out. But I'm kind of an anxious kid by nature anyway. All in all though, I've found my truth and I've found my own acceptance of it. It's not the end of the world like I once thought it would be.
A year ago, I didn't know which way to turn or what to do. I wasn't sure if I would be okay. I didn't think I would ever stand in a place where I wasn't afraid or ashamed. I didn't think I would ever tell my family my truth.
I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I know what a difference a year can make.
I was going through some things in my room and I came across this poem that I wrote about a year ago. I had decided that there was no longer any good in fighting the truth and that I was gay, but I didn't know what to do next. I hadn't told anyone. I was terrified of what other people might think and do and say. And when I get like that, the best way I know how to deal with what I feel is to write it down.
"If I Could Tell You"
I am chained to the truth,
I cannot change its color or its voice,
it speaks the words it has to speak
and does not offer me a choice...
it does not listen in the night
when my dreams seek to change its mind,
it knows what it knows,
and what that is, is up to me to find...
it knows my name and my struggle
and still pursues my heart,
I have tried to run and tried to fight,
yet still, we cannot live apart...
so it seems this truth is mine,
I cannot change what has to be,
it will exist as it is,
always remaining chained to me...
if only it was acceptable
for what was true to indeed be true,
perhaps then, I could live and love
and have nothing to fear from you.
I remember writing it and feeling that way. I'm glad that I don't always feel that way anymore.
Sometimes being gay is still a struggle, mostly in the context of my family and where I fit in now, if I fit in now. And sometimes I still get a little worried when someone new finds out. But I'm kind of an anxious kid by nature anyway. All in all though, I've found my truth and I've found my own acceptance of it. It's not the end of the world like I once thought it would be.
A year ago, I didn't know which way to turn or what to do. I wasn't sure if I would be okay. I didn't think I would ever stand in a place where I wasn't afraid or ashamed. I didn't think I would ever tell my family my truth.
I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I know what a difference a year can make.
03 January 2010
Highlights of 2009
I suppose the end of a year and the end of a decade can naturally persuade a person to look over the time that has passed. I don't know that 2009 was a big year for me, but I think I did some pretty big things. I've thought about some highlights I could share. Here's my top ten.
1) I came out.
These three words seem so small in comparison to the kind of thing "coming out" can be. It's definitely a process. Sometimes it's easier than others. And it something that continues to be a process. It's not like you can come out to everyone at the same time. There are people that I haven't met yet. One day I might share with them that I am gay. But as I continue to become more comfortable with myself and my choices and my life, I think it will get easier to come out and not have it be such an ordeal. In 2009, it was a rough. But I got through it.
2) I did not cut myself once.
Cutting has been a massively huge problem for me since I was 14. I officially quit in 2008. It will be two years "sober" in July. So for the entire calendar year, for the first time in eleven years, I was self-injury free. You have no idea how much that amazes me, or how incredible it feels.
3) I started a serious relationship with a girl.
It wasn't like I was looking for one...it just kind of happened. And I'm so glad that it did. We've been together for five months next week and we both feel like there are many more good months waiting for us. This has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it's really nice to be happy with someone.
4) My youngest sister and her husband met my girlfriend.
I suppose this could technically be a sub-category of coming out and starting a relationship, but to me it stands on its own. The rest of my family has been very adamant about wanting nothing to do with my girlfriend and our relationship. When my sister and her husband wanted to meet her and invited us into their home, it really meant a lot to me.
5) I went to some amazing concerts.
I love music almost more than anything, so I love concerts! Incubus is my most favorite band and I love it when they come to town. Their music and lyrics are just poetry to me. I saw Tool and their show was amazing. They do a lot of effects with lighting and lasers and smoke and it was really awesome. I also saw the Utah Symphony, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Spyro-Gyra, and Tower of Power.
6) I saw the USAF Thunderbirds twice.
Once in June when they came to Hill AFB in Layton and once in November when I went to Nellis AFB in Las Vegas. They always put on a good show and I love every second of it. Nellis was my girlfriend's first airshow and I'm glad that she liked it. We plan on going to Nellis every year now.
7) I've been at my job for over five years.
Now it's actually closer to six. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but I guess there's something to be said for loyalty. Plus I get an extra week of vacation now.
8) I went back to school.
More difficult than I hoped but not as difficult as I anticipated. I took Intermediate Algebra (Math 1010) and actually pulled an A. I think the last time I got an A in math was my first semester of seventh grade. I'm signed up for College Algebra (Math 1050) and school starts for me on Tuesday. And textbooks are still wickedly expensive.
9) I lost a good friend.
I moved out of the apartment I had with my roommate of four years. We had been friends since high school. Unfortunately, our friendship was one of the casualties of my coming out. It has really been the only casualty and I don't really know why. It's been difficult and I miss her, but maybe we'll be able to be friends again someday.
10) My Great-Grandma died.
She was 99 and ready to go. Didn't make it a whole lot easier. But I learned so much from her and I am so glad that I was able to have a relationship with her. It's something I will cherish for the rest of my life.
As I look forward to 2010 and what possibilities a new year can bring, I hope that I can take what I learned from 2009 and continue moving forward. It wasn't all good, it wasn't all bad, and all in all, it's time that I'm grateful was mine. 2010, bring it on.
1) I came out.
These three words seem so small in comparison to the kind of thing "coming out" can be. It's definitely a process. Sometimes it's easier than others. And it something that continues to be a process. It's not like you can come out to everyone at the same time. There are people that I haven't met yet. One day I might share with them that I am gay. But as I continue to become more comfortable with myself and my choices and my life, I think it will get easier to come out and not have it be such an ordeal. In 2009, it was a rough. But I got through it.
2) I did not cut myself once.
Cutting has been a massively huge problem for me since I was 14. I officially quit in 2008. It will be two years "sober" in July. So for the entire calendar year, for the first time in eleven years, I was self-injury free. You have no idea how much that amazes me, or how incredible it feels.
3) I started a serious relationship with a girl.
It wasn't like I was looking for one...it just kind of happened. And I'm so glad that it did. We've been together for five months next week and we both feel like there are many more good months waiting for us. This has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it's really nice to be happy with someone.
4) My youngest sister and her husband met my girlfriend.
I suppose this could technically be a sub-category of coming out and starting a relationship, but to me it stands on its own. The rest of my family has been very adamant about wanting nothing to do with my girlfriend and our relationship. When my sister and her husband wanted to meet her and invited us into their home, it really meant a lot to me.
5) I went to some amazing concerts.
I love music almost more than anything, so I love concerts! Incubus is my most favorite band and I love it when they come to town. Their music and lyrics are just poetry to me. I saw Tool and their show was amazing. They do a lot of effects with lighting and lasers and smoke and it was really awesome. I also saw the Utah Symphony, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Spyro-Gyra, and Tower of Power.
6) I saw the USAF Thunderbirds twice.
Once in June when they came to Hill AFB in Layton and once in November when I went to Nellis AFB in Las Vegas. They always put on a good show and I love every second of it. Nellis was my girlfriend's first airshow and I'm glad that she liked it. We plan on going to Nellis every year now.
7) I've been at my job for over five years.
Now it's actually closer to six. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but I guess there's something to be said for loyalty. Plus I get an extra week of vacation now.
8) I went back to school.
More difficult than I hoped but not as difficult as I anticipated. I took Intermediate Algebra (Math 1010) and actually pulled an A. I think the last time I got an A in math was my first semester of seventh grade. I'm signed up for College Algebra (Math 1050) and school starts for me on Tuesday. And textbooks are still wickedly expensive.
9) I lost a good friend.
I moved out of the apartment I had with my roommate of four years. We had been friends since high school. Unfortunately, our friendship was one of the casualties of my coming out. It has really been the only casualty and I don't really know why. It's been difficult and I miss her, but maybe we'll be able to be friends again someday.
10) My Great-Grandma died.
She was 99 and ready to go. Didn't make it a whole lot easier. But I learned so much from her and I am so glad that I was able to have a relationship with her. It's something I will cherish for the rest of my life.
As I look forward to 2010 and what possibilities a new year can bring, I hope that I can take what I learned from 2009 and continue moving forward. It wasn't all good, it wasn't all bad, and all in all, it's time that I'm grateful was mine. 2010, bring it on.
17 December 2009
Not My Trial
I don't believe my life has been easy. I've been through a lot of stuff, and a lot of really difficult stuff for being 26 years old. I'm the first one to tell you that I don't think it ever will be easy for me. But maybe that's because somehow, I am able to handle tough stuff. Somehow, I make it through, even when I don't believe I ever will.
I look at my sister (Liz) and she seems to have the picture perfect life. Things come easy for her. She's more of the "silver platter" kind of girl. It doesn't seem to me that she's had to work hard for the things she gets. Of course, that's from where I sit. She might tell you differently.
I really think sometimes that being gay is not my trial. I've got plenty of other things to test me. And I'm at the point now where it's not 100% difficult to be gay. I don't struggle with it like I used to.
Maybe it's a trial for my family. Maybe me being gay is their test. Maybe it's to help them learn how to have a greater kind of love, to see me like my Savior sees me, with unconditional love.
If it's a test for them, I hope they will learn how to pass.
I look at my sister (Liz) and she seems to have the picture perfect life. Things come easy for her. She's more of the "silver platter" kind of girl. It doesn't seem to me that she's had to work hard for the things she gets. Of course, that's from where I sit. She might tell you differently.
I really think sometimes that being gay is not my trial. I've got plenty of other things to test me. And I'm at the point now where it's not 100% difficult to be gay. I don't struggle with it like I used to.
Maybe it's a trial for my family. Maybe me being gay is their test. Maybe it's to help them learn how to have a greater kind of love, to see me like my Savior sees me, with unconditional love.
If it's a test for them, I hope they will learn how to pass.
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