18 May 2009


"You are fully capable of deciding your own destiny.
The question is, which path will you choose?"
(Sarek to Spock, Star Trek)

Like some of the other bloggers out there, when I saw Star Trek, I found something profound and familiar about Spock being "a child of two worlds." I feel like I have many worlds these days, between my online identity and my real name, being LDS and gay, having some people who know the truth while most others don't, and/or between what I think and what I can "safely" say. Duality, by nature, is dividing, and divided is how I feel.

I saw a video on Clark's blog (the Stripping Warrior) about an event that took place in Singapore over the weekend. It's called pink dot, where a bunch of people who support gay rights gathered at a park to form an actual pink dot. The video is on pink dot's website and is about 4:25 in length if you want to take the time to check it out. Their position is this : Gay people will always be a part of our lives, whether we know it or not. Show them it doesn't make any different. Show them that you support their freedom to love.

One of the people on the video was a spiritual leader, and what he said really had an affect on me..."As they come to me and talk about their problems, I find that they get more understanding themselves about their sexuality, and a little bit better understanding of the Christian faith which will allow them to overcome their own guilt of being a gay person."

Hearing that was an "aha moment" at its finest.

I feel guilty for my feelings because I've been taught that they are wrong to have. This is the LDS line in the sand, and I stand on a different side. Therefore, my biggest struggle has been to reconcile my feelings with my religion. I've heard the notion that church can help you overcome your gay feelings. I don't buy into the "pray the gay away" approach, but I've heard of it. And I kind of assume that I might hear it firsthand at some point. But maybe that is an effort that is not really worth my time and not the perspective to take. I think instead, I need to allow my faith the bridge the gap. Instead, maybe I should pray for the strength to be as I am...pray for the strength to be gay.

As long as man exists in this imperfect state, there will be imperfections in any religion. And while some things that my church says and does are hurtful and cause feelings of guilt to stir within my heart, there are good things that I have learned by being a member.

I believe in Jesus Christ. He's the perfect big brother, and even though I sometimes want to believe that I am strong enough to make it without Him, I know that I'm not. He offers to look out for me, to stand by me, to protect me, to love me, simply because He's my brother. He knows me for all of me and I know that He won't turn His back on me.

My feelings exist. They are very real. And I'm starting to see that it's not about overcoming them, and it shouldn't be about overcoming them, because I don't think it's possible to overcome homosexuality. However, I do think it's possible to overcome the guilt. It's going to take a lot of acceptance, re-learning, and hard work, and I think that my faith in and my view of Jesus Christ will help me in that regard.

Being a child of two worlds isn't easy. But I'm also a child of God, who is in all worlds. So maybe my choice isn't about being LDS or being gay. Maybe it's about choosing how to acknowledge who I am. I can't be something I'm not. I can only be me.


HappyOrganist said...

You can only be you. I can only be me (I like to say a lot "it's hard work being me." 'course nowadays I've added "but noone's better at it than I am") And on that note, you make it sound harder to be you than me. I guess I have it easy.
Isn't it interesting how our challenges fit us (or stretch us more than they might other people).
Well good luck to you, my dear.
I could talk on doctrine and so forth here (feelings vs. actions and subsequent 'wrongness' and guilt and bla bla bla). But I hate to go there. So nevermind !
I will say this, however. We all have feelings (gay, straight, pink, purple, you name it) that we really would be happier not acting on.
And by that I am speaking for myself and my own experiences. I've been there (well maybe not there - but in some ways aren't all 'there's' the same'? I know no one will agree. but that's the way I think). Anyway.. Happily married - saw someone/something/ some relationship I thought I really needed (well maybe I didn't think I really needed it - but I really wanted it). You know what I found once I got what I wanted.. It wasn't really that great.
Now you decide for yourself and your situation. But for me, I try to remember (and fail miserably and struggle against it a lot) that what I have is way cooler than *some things that I think I want.
As I said, for my own situation, the most depressing part is that even though I know I don't want what I think I want, (I even consider myself enlightened and taught from 'on high' on said very personal topic), I still find myself going in circles - stuck in a rut. (I do it to myself, I guess). Although some therapists and/or doctors (understanding OCD, etc) would say "no, it's just the OCD." But part of me says 'yeah, that's a cop-out excuse.' Not that I beat myself up, though. 'cause I don't really. I just let it be a weakness to keep me oh so humble.
Do you think it works?

Jenz said...

HappyOrganist had my head spinning with that comment. Whoa.

"Being a child of two worlds isn't easy." No it is not. I feel ya.

Great Post