Ka-Freaking-Boom

Don't know if you can tell from my last post, but this week has been very explosive. Both my sister and my parents confronted me about whether or not I am gay. So now everyone knows, whether I was ready or not, whether they wanted to or not. What's done is done.

Cue the tension.

Unfortunately, the conversation I had with my parents wasn't very long. They didn't get home from church until 2pm and I had to be at work by 3pm. I think I would feel better if it would have been a knock-down-drag-out conversation, because I still feel like there's lots more to say and talk about, but I don't know when that's going to happen.

My sister (the middle sister) sent me an email asking me flat out if I was or wasn't gay. She mentioned that she didn't feel comfortable talking about it, so I sent her an email reply. She's having a tough time with it.

My youngest sister, who has known for a few months, is feeling like our family is being torn apart. Both my mom and my middle sister have been calling her and leaning on her for information. To her credit, my youngest sister has told them over and over that it's not her information to share. But that takes its toll.

My mom wanted to talk to me over Sunday lunch. She did all of the talking. My dad pretty much just shut down. He stared at his plate and wouldn't look at me or my mom. I got the impression from my mom that she thinks it's just a phase to get through and everything will be better on the other side. I know that she thinks being gay is a choice, and there were a couple times where I felt like she was saying to me "you know better than this."

Today, both my parents are acting like nothing happened yesterday. But for me, it will never be the same. It can't be.

So the TNT left a big crater, but no one wants to look at it, or talk about it, or find a way to live with it. Maybe we'll just keep walking around it for the rest of our lives instead of trying to build a bridge across. But what's done is done.

Ka-freaking-boom.

Dear God...

I've never been really good at talking to you, because I always figured there were more important people you would rather listen to. But if I could just trouble you for one spare moment...

I don't understand what you want from me. I don't believe that you want any of your children to be unhappy or to be in pain. I've spent a lot of my life that way, I know that it's miserable, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. That's why I've embraced the happiness that I've felt during the last 44 days. I think about the way everything happened, and it's hard to think it was all just coincidence and chance, because it feels more like it was meant to be. My heart doesn't hurt anymore. I'm happy to wake up in the morning. I laugh. I smile. I finally feel alive.

People say that it's wrong. People say that it can't be and shouldn't be. People say things that hurt, people who are my blood, people who say that they speak for you. People say you wouldn't make me this way. But for the first time in my life, I feel normal. I tried to do things the way I was taught, I tried to believe, I tried to go to church and say my prayers and have a temple recommend. I tried to get married the way I was supposed to, because I thought it would make me into the person everyone, including you, wanted me to be. And it felt wrong. It was torture. I hated every second of my life and I hated myself.

Is that really what you want from me?

Should I give her up and go back to wanting to die every day? Should I tell her I can't see her anymore and go back to hating every breath I take?

I don't know who you want me to be, because I feel like I can't give anymore than I already have. I can't be someone I'm not anymore. So please, if it's not too much trouble, please just help me understand what I'm supposed to do.

Truth

I found this while I was going through some things in my room the other day. When I was in a program called DBT, we were given a sheet of paper and told that we were to fill it with nothing but the truth about ourselves. No judgments, stating your emotions as emotions, and just 100% factual information. It was a somewhat difficult activity, since I'm all about judging myself. But it was also a really good experience. So I thought it might be fun to post some of it here.

• I'm the oldest of three girls
• I don't have a middle name
• my favorite color is black
• I have never broken a bone
• I can write in a straight line on unlined paper
• I hate writing in pencil
• I've thought about getting a tattoo but I'm too afraid to actually do it
• I still have my baby blanket
• someday I want to have a pilot's license
• I had my tonsils removed when I was 22
• I get migraines
• I'm afraid of spiders
• I hate being the center of attention
• music has been a part of my life since before I was born
• my favorite band is Incubus
• I would wear a cape every day if I could
• I hate Christmas
• my left leg is slightly shorter than my right
• I had a stalker in high school
• I love Star Wars almost more than anything
• I would give up Star Wars for the rest of my life for one ride in a F-16
• I think darkness is more fundamental than light
• I never got a 4.0
• I love new socks
• I can write with both hands
• my favorite book is Green Eggs and Ham
• basketball is my favorite sport
• one of my earliest memories is of being embarrassed--I was four
• if I had a million dollars I would give it away
• sarcasm is my favorite kind of humor
• I hate crying in front of people
• I know that capitols for all fifty states
• I am fiercely loyal to people and things I care about
• I have a lot of empathy and compassion for other people
• I was in marching band
• I have met my two biggest heroes
• my zodiac sign is Aquarius
• I like musicals
• I taught myself how to snowboard
• driving calms me
• I've had 57 stitches
• my favorite weather is rain
• I live
• I breathe
• I want to be accepted as I am
• I am Amy

So if anyone wants to try it, just look at yourself objectively and be honest with yourself. I know it was a good thing for me.

Why Stay?

I think the decision to stay an active member of the LDS Church is a personal one. In the blogging world I read a lot about "should I stay or should I go." I think it's a question that weighs on all of us. The LDS Church, like any church, has standards and expectations that have been established, and being raised a member, we certainly know how high that bar is set.

I myself tend to go back and forth. Sometimes I think I can stay and make it work, sometimes I'm ready to just say "forget it" and walk away. Most days I'm just on the fence about it and don't even want to make a decision.

So I'm honestly asking...I'm not trying to be a smart aleck...why stay?

Knowing where Church leadership stands, hearing what they say in General Conference or reading it in the Ensign...why stay?

Knowing the way a gay member can be stereotyped and misunderstood, can even be punished for being sympathetic to gay rights...why stay?

Knowing that there are other religions out there that are more accepting and want you to be who you are, love who you will...why stay?

What do you think?

Picked Up On Gaydar

Is it a good thing when you set off someone else's gaydar?

My friends have told me, and I agree, that I'm not someone who comes across as obviously gay. There are little things here and there that they notice, but I guess it's not glaringly apparent...perhaps unless you're looking.

A lesbian couple who came into work last night. I was managing and ended up seating them. Then they spent their time in the restaurant debating over whether or not I was gay. They even asked their server. He is brand new and didn't know, but that was a fun conversation when he announced to the kitchen that the girls at his table thought I was cute and wanted to know if I was gay (I'm not out at work, by the way. I don't think much will come from it because my friend who does know said she was proud of how well I played it off. I'm not really worried about it, so we'll see...).

The couple eventually just asked me, and it wasn't a big deal to tell them the truth. They were really nice to talk to and I thought it was amusing that I was their dinner conversation entertainment.

Oddly enough though, I was kind of reassured by the fact that other lesbians could see that I was a lesbian. And it was a good laugh. I got picked up on gaydar.

Lucky

I like how hearing someone else's perspective can help you change your own. I was talking with my girl and somehow we got on the subject of regrets. Neither one of us have had a really smooth sailing kind of life. There's been a lot of pain and difficulty. But she said that she tries to not regret things in her life, even when it all goes sour.

"If it wasn't for those things, even the things I didn't think I'd live through, I might not be here in this moment right now, and I wouldn't be the person I am right now."

Can I tell you, I just think she's so amazing? Cuz I think she's so amazing!

And I think she's right too. There are things that I regret. There are things that have absolutely sucked about my life. There are things that I've done that I'm not a big fan of. And without them, I might not be who I am right now or have the people that I have in my life right now.

Life is tricky and difficult to handle sometimes. It comes in different sizes and colors, it has different moods and expressions. There was a time where I would have given anything to be someone else, someone new, and I was thoroughly convinced that I would not live to see 24, so forget about seeing 26. But I'm still here and I'm glad that I'm alive. I'm glad that this life is mine. Good, bad, or ugly, it's mine.

And I finally feel like I'm lucky to have it.

A Day In The Life

Sometimes I get caught up in the magnitude of trying to make two different worlds work for me. That's why I started blogging. I need to sort through my thoughts and my feelings and my history, and I've always been one that does that best through the written word. Blogging is like therapy and I know that it's helped me so very much in finding who I am and being who I am. It's given me a voice.

But we all know that being gay is not all of who we are. It's just a part of us, just one more thing to love about us.

So I thought I'd do a post about the things I do in my life that aren't necessarily all about being a Latter-Day Lesbian. After all, we all have our daily lives that we get up and live. Here's a little bit of insight into mine.

I work in a restaurant. I have a few different jobs that I do when I'm there. I'm the office manager, so five mornings a week I'm there before we open, reconciling sales, paying bills, doing daily operations, payroll, things of that nature. Then I usually have four or five night shifts where I either serve or am a shift manager. That takes up a lot of my time.

Two nights a week I am in school. I'm taking a math class at Weber State. This also means that I'm dedicating time to homework.

I listen to a lot of music. Music speaks to me in a way that nothing else does. There's a style for every emotion, a lyric for every situation, and I love it. Lately I've been listening to a lot of Tool and I mostly listen to rock. But I like a wide variety. The only stuff I really don't do is techno and country. Can't take the twang.

I am a sports junkie, so if I can't watch a game, you might catch me checking scores on my phone. Basketball is my favorite and football is in a very close second. I like soccer and won't say no to baseball either. I've even been known to watch a boxing match or two. Not so much with golf or tennis though.

I have some really amazing friends and I love to spend time with them. I usually have movie night with a few of them once a week. Since a lot of my friends work at the restaurant with me, we like to go out after work and just hang out, unwind, and relax. I've noticed that restaurant people tend to be creatures of the night.

I like movies and television. Visual entertainment is a great vacation for me, because I can just focus on the story and get really wrapped up in it.

Every day I get up, sometimes I have ice cream for breakfast, I drive my car, I make eye contact with other people, I breathe, I sing along to my favorite songs, I see people I care about, I hope, I dream, I have new experiences that help me be the person I am.

And I live the life I was born to live.

Unqualified

So I just started school again. But I'm only taking a math class. Good thing, cuz it's kicking my trash. And I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. But I know I'm not qualified to be the family therapist.

And yet that's what it seemed I was doing tonight. Who signed me up for that?

Family drama. At least I'm not the one causing it!

Being Hit By This Moment

I listened to this CD kind of at random, but after the weekend and how eventful it was, the lyrics to this song particularly stood out to me. So I just wanted to share.

"I Won't Look Back"
Seven and the Sun

Sometimes you're hit by the moment
when suddenly everything seems to be clear
a time when the world moves so slowly
a time when the answers just seem to appear
sometimes it seems like a long road
wrapped up and caught up in all that you fear
finally you stand in a strange place
where you've learned and you've grown
and your moment is here

And I won't look back
I'll just smile at the world in a different back
and I won't look back
I've got so much to do
I've got so much to say

Heaven is here and the feeling
nothing or no one can take it away
sanity lies in just knowing
that all that you've done has led you to today
finally I stand in a strange place
where suddenly everything seems to be clear
a time when the world moves so slowly
a time when the answers just seem to appear

And I won't look back
I'll just smile at the world in a different way
and I won't look back
I've got so much to do
I've got so much to say

And I won't look back
I'll just smile at the world in a different way