I'm not saying that this is typical. I'm not saying that this is true of everyone. It doesn't happen every week. I am very aware that for every person that does this, there are probably at least a hundred that don't do this. But it does happen quite a bit, and I feel the need to gripe about it for just a minute.
If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know that I work in a restaurant. This particular restaurant is closed exactly two days a year: Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. We are open every other day, holidays and weekends, and especially on Sunday.
I would say that at least once in a two month span, we get people who come and eat on Sunday, dressed in their Sunday best, and wearing their "Elder Somebody" or "Sister Somebody" nametag. That's right, missionaries eating in the restaurant on Sunday. More often than not, it's an older couple, enjoying a meal together or with friends.
Now, really, I don't mind the business. I hate working on Sundays. So if I have to be there, I may as well stay busy. But I was raised LDS. I remember the lessons on keeping the Sabbath Day holy. I remember not swimming or playing basketball or shopping on Sundays. Has that gone away? Is this no longer part of LDS doctrine? Because I would think, of all people, the ones out teaching the gospel to potential followers would be the ones you want putting on the best example. Whether or not these couples are in positions of leadership, I don't know, but if they are, I would think they should be held to an even higher standard. Maybe I'm crazy though.
I gotta say, if there's one thing that really gets to me, it's "do as I say and not as I do."
11 January 2011
05 January 2011
Treat Me Differently
January.
It's a month of new beginnings and big plans. People re-assess their lives and make goals based on what they're missing or what they have too much of, and what they want to see in their lives in the coming year.
It's a new year, which for some, means that it's a new chance. It's a chance for hope. It's a chance to heal the past and provide a glimmer of hope for the future. Instead of a resolution, my hope comes as a recommendation to the public at large: treat me differently.
The media will give voices to people with strong opinions. They will tell you that I'm a threat to America and especially to marriage. They will tell you that I have an agenda. They will you that it is a terrible thing to be me and you should hope and pray with all your might that you will never have to know the pain that comes from being me, or being related to me. Prominent leaders in our communities and of our nation will tell you that people like me will weaken and destroy our once proud military, and bring shame and embarrassment upon our nation. Their first reaction is to judge. Their reaction inspires fear, mistreatment, and hatred. So instead of taking their word for it, treat me differently than they do.
Get to know me. Hear my story and really listen to what I've experienced. Know my name. Remember my face. Recognize that we are really more alike than we are different. Know that I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend. I have plans for my life and I want to be happy. Treat me like I deserve to be happy. Treat me like I'm your daughter, or your sister, or your friend.
When the world tells you that I am evil, treat me differently than that. When you hear that I had a choice and I strayed, and I insult God by living this way, treat me differently than that. When you hear that I am somehow less important as a human being, that I am without value, morals, or feelings, treat me differently than that.
There are some people with big and loud voices who will tell you I don't deserve to have the same rights and privileges that you do. In doing so, they are telling you that my life is not as important as yours. And they are sending that message to our children and our teenagers, the future of our nation and families.
Will you believe them?
Or will you treat me differently?
It's a month of new beginnings and big plans. People re-assess their lives and make goals based on what they're missing or what they have too much of, and what they want to see in their lives in the coming year.
It's a new year, which for some, means that it's a new chance. It's a chance for hope. It's a chance to heal the past and provide a glimmer of hope for the future. Instead of a resolution, my hope comes as a recommendation to the public at large: treat me differently.
The media will give voices to people with strong opinions. They will tell you that I'm a threat to America and especially to marriage. They will tell you that I have an agenda. They will you that it is a terrible thing to be me and you should hope and pray with all your might that you will never have to know the pain that comes from being me, or being related to me. Prominent leaders in our communities and of our nation will tell you that people like me will weaken and destroy our once proud military, and bring shame and embarrassment upon our nation. Their first reaction is to judge. Their reaction inspires fear, mistreatment, and hatred. So instead of taking their word for it, treat me differently than they do.
Get to know me. Hear my story and really listen to what I've experienced. Know my name. Remember my face. Recognize that we are really more alike than we are different. Know that I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend. I have plans for my life and I want to be happy. Treat me like I deserve to be happy. Treat me like I'm your daughter, or your sister, or your friend.
When the world tells you that I am evil, treat me differently than that. When you hear that I had a choice and I strayed, and I insult God by living this way, treat me differently than that. When you hear that I am somehow less important as a human being, that I am without value, morals, or feelings, treat me differently than that.
There are some people with big and loud voices who will tell you I don't deserve to have the same rights and privileges that you do. In doing so, they are telling you that my life is not as important as yours. And they are sending that message to our children and our teenagers, the future of our nation and families.
Will you believe them?
Or will you treat me differently?
21 December 2010
Gay It Forward
I don't know if any of you watch Will and Grace. I watched it all the time when I was younger but there were so many jokes lost on me. Now that I'm out, it's absolutely hysterical. I don't get to watch it a lot now, but I happened to catch an episode last night.
The premise for the episode is that Karen sets up Will with her cousin Barry. Barry just came out. Will doesn't want to go out with him because he doesn't appear attractive and he's shy. Jack meets up with them at the restaurant just after Will has let Barry down easy. He tells Will that they should help Barry, coach him, teach him.
JACK: The point is, we senior gays have a responsibility to the freshmen. To teach them, to bring them along. Why, I helped turn this caterpillar into a chubby butterfly. And now you should do the same for Barry.
WILL: Why? Why is this my responsibility?
JACK: Because that's what we do in the community. We gay it forward.
I wouldn't consider myself a senior gay yet, but I know I'm not a freshman anymore either. It's nice to have some confidence and some experience, for lack of a better word, behind me now.
The "freshmen" come in all shapes and sizes, all ages, all types. And I feel for you. It's not easy. So how do we "gay it forward" for them?
I like the "It Gets Better" Project, reaching out to people and letting them know that life can get better than however it is right now. I like this blogging sphere and the great sense of community we have. I like that the Nicholson's have parties so we can socialize and get to know each other and interact. I like that Abelard maintains the MoHo Directory so we can read each other's blogs and be supportive of each other through daily life. And I have learned that even just blogging about your experience can help someone out. Sometimes just being yourself can help someone be less afraid to be who they are.
I wish that I had the means and the time to do more. This world can be such a beautiful place, even though there are dark hours experienced upon it. There is a lot of love out there too. You just don't hear about as much. Love is soft and gentle. Love doesn't make it on the news a lot of time, but it's there. It's here. Arms waiting to surround you, accept you, help you heal.
Gay it forward. I love it.
14 December 2010
Saddest Story
I'm facebook friends with a lot of you, but for those of you who I don't know, this is what I look like (it's relevant to the story).
For my job, sometimes I'm a manager. This was the case on Sunday. It was getting to be the end of the night, so there weren't a lot of tables in the restaurant. We're supposed to do table visits as managers to make sure that the food and service are great. Usually this happens when entrees are out. So I go to check on this table. It's a family--mom, dad, two young girls. I would say the girls were about six and eight. They were giggling and having a great time when I approached the table. I did my spiel, made sure everything was good, and told the girls I was glad they were having a good time. Nothing out of the ordinary.
A bit later, the server of that table came to me and asked if everything was good with that table. I said yes. She said that they were asking for the manager and one of the little girls was crying. I thought that was weird, but went back to the table, not knowing what to expect.
It was just the father and the older girl at the table, and she was indeed crying. Practically sobbing. The dad says "we asked you back here because she has something to say to you." So I look over at the girl, who won't look at me. She manages to say "I'm sorry." She's clearly embarrassed and I am feeling so bad for her, while still being so very confused. So I look back at the dad. He says to me, "After you walked away, she asked 'was that a girl or a boy,' and we didn't know if you heard or not, but I didn't like it and I won't stand for it, so she's apologizing to you."
At this point, the girl just starts saying "I'm sorry" over and over. So I told her that I accepted her apology, mostly to appease the father, and I told her that it was okay. I told her I hoped she would come back and see me and that we could be friends if she wanted. She said "I don't know if I can come back," still crying, and it practically broke my heart. So I told her I hoped I would see her again soon. I told the father thank you, because even though I don't agree with the way he went about it, I can appreciate that he's trying to raise his kids to not be judgmental. At least, I hope that is what he's trying to do. I don't know what he said to her, or if it was what he said that made her cry to that degree, or if she was just embarrassed to be having to apologize, but in my mind it was kind of unnecessary.
I sent the server out with two of our free kids meals cards and told her to tell the girl "no hard feelings," just trying to make her feel better. I really do hope they'll come back and be okay. It was so sad!
And for the record, I guarantee, as a girl with a haircut like mine, it's not going to hurt my feelings or offend me if you think I'm a boy. Just saying.
For my job, sometimes I'm a manager. This was the case on Sunday. It was getting to be the end of the night, so there weren't a lot of tables in the restaurant. We're supposed to do table visits as managers to make sure that the food and service are great. Usually this happens when entrees are out. So I go to check on this table. It's a family--mom, dad, two young girls. I would say the girls were about six and eight. They were giggling and having a great time when I approached the table. I did my spiel, made sure everything was good, and told the girls I was glad they were having a good time. Nothing out of the ordinary.
A bit later, the server of that table came to me and asked if everything was good with that table. I said yes. She said that they were asking for the manager and one of the little girls was crying. I thought that was weird, but went back to the table, not knowing what to expect.
It was just the father and the older girl at the table, and she was indeed crying. Practically sobbing. The dad says "we asked you back here because she has something to say to you." So I look over at the girl, who won't look at me. She manages to say "I'm sorry." She's clearly embarrassed and I am feeling so bad for her, while still being so very confused. So I look back at the dad. He says to me, "After you walked away, she asked 'was that a girl or a boy,' and we didn't know if you heard or not, but I didn't like it and I won't stand for it, so she's apologizing to you."
At this point, the girl just starts saying "I'm sorry" over and over. So I told her that I accepted her apology, mostly to appease the father, and I told her that it was okay. I told her I hoped she would come back and see me and that we could be friends if she wanted. She said "I don't know if I can come back," still crying, and it practically broke my heart. So I told her I hoped I would see her again soon. I told the father thank you, because even though I don't agree with the way he went about it, I can appreciate that he's trying to raise his kids to not be judgmental. At least, I hope that is what he's trying to do. I don't know what he said to her, or if it was what he said that made her cry to that degree, or if she was just embarrassed to be having to apologize, but in my mind it was kind of unnecessary.
I sent the server out with two of our free kids meals cards and told her to tell the girl "no hard feelings," just trying to make her feel better. I really do hope they'll come back and be okay. It was so sad!
And for the record, I guarantee, as a girl with a haircut like mine, it's not going to hurt my feelings or offend me if you think I'm a boy. Just saying.
13 December 2010
Bridging The Divide
I don't know if anyone else watches the USA Network, but I watch it religiously. They show a lot of Law and Order: SVU, which is one of my favorite shows, and I love their original series too. Anyway, this month is Characters Unite Month, which is a really awesome idea in my opinion.
They made a documentary called Bridging the Divide. It is about the discrimination that still exists in America. It talks about immigrants and refugees, people with disabilities, people of different races, high school kids, and of course, LGBT people. I watched it today. Okay, I cried through pretty much the whole thing. I'm such a softie. But I thought it was a great documentary and totally worth watching. If you go to www.charactersunite.com , the documentary is available to view there.
Also on the site, you can take the Characters Unite Pledge. I did, because I believe that every person has a story worth listening to, and I know that every life is beautiful. You should have the chance to be the character you are without fear or judgment. One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all.
I think this is such a good message, especially for kids who are struggling in school and with tough stuff. We are all aware of the epidemic of bullying and the lives that have been lost because the pain was too much to bear. I appreciate the It Gets Better Project and the efforts that have been taken to help our youth understand that life is worth living. I think this project is another way to reiterate that there are so many people ready and willing to accept you with open arms, no matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or who you love.
Check out the documentary. Take the pledge if you'd like. Be the character that you are.
They made a documentary called Bridging the Divide. It is about the discrimination that still exists in America. It talks about immigrants and refugees, people with disabilities, people of different races, high school kids, and of course, LGBT people. I watched it today. Okay, I cried through pretty much the whole thing. I'm such a softie. But I thought it was a great documentary and totally worth watching. If you go to www.charactersunite.com , the documentary is available to view there.
Also on the site, you can take the Characters Unite Pledge. I did, because I believe that every person has a story worth listening to, and I know that every life is beautiful. You should have the chance to be the character you are without fear or judgment. One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all.
I think this is such a good message, especially for kids who are struggling in school and with tough stuff. We are all aware of the epidemic of bullying and the lives that have been lost because the pain was too much to bear. I appreciate the It Gets Better Project and the efforts that have been taken to help our youth understand that life is worth living. I think this project is another way to reiterate that there are so many people ready and willing to accept you with open arms, no matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or who you love.
Check out the documentary. Take the pledge if you'd like. Be the character that you are.
11 December 2010
Worrying About Drama
Tonight is the family Christmas party for my dad's side of the family. Since I didn't find out about it until about five days ago, I'm not going. I have other plans. I kind of wish I was available to go, but I'm also kind of relieved that I'm not going to be there. The fear of the unknown gives me more anxiety that practically anything. I get nervous around them, because I never know what to expect, and now that feels even more true than before.
Some of my dad's family knows. What would their reaction be if they all knew? I imagine it as a wide spectrum. My personal idea is that I think there would be more misunderstanding than anything. In my experience with them, they tend to take the "react first, think about the consequences later" approach. That doesn't always bode well for a softie like me. I've always felt like there is a lot of judgment instead of unconditional love. Just my observations.
I worry about my dad though. It's his family after all. I know he's having a really hard time with everything that's going on with me. Some days, he will hardly speak to me. He gets really weird and the feeling I get is that he doesn't want to be around me. Some days, it's like it was before, when we were buds. I just try to ride the waves as they come and be understanding. I know that where my life is now is never where my parents planned I would be. But it is what it is.
I don't know if it will come up at all. I really really hope that it doesn't. But it doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. I'm still going to live my life. And I guess if they are talking about me, they won't be talking about anyone else, and that might be a good thing. Not everyone has a picture perfect life, you know? If you're going to speculate about someone's life, talk about my dirty laundry instead of someone else's. That won't bother me.
If anything gets said tonight, in any sort of negative or demeaning way, I have no doubt in my mind that my mom will stand up for me and defend me and fight for me if that's what it comes to. She's tough that way, and I know she loves me. I think my relationship with her has improved so much since I came out. It's better now that it probably has ever been, even back when I was being straight. She'll turn into Mama Bear for any of her kids. But I'm not sure what my dad will do. I would hope first and foremost that nothing will get said to them at all. But if it does, I don't know my dad's response would be.
It's a crazy thing to have doubts about the love you get from a parent. It's even difficult to try to explain. The deep down love I know is still there. I know he loves me. I know he's having a hard time showing it. It's just weird sometimes, a really weird feeling.
But I will say this, and if any of my dad's family ever reads this, I would hope that this is what they would remember:
I am gay and that is no one's fault. My parents had absolutely nothing to do with it. They didn't make me gay by the way they raised me. They didn't choose it and I didn't choose it, and we're accepting it and doing the best that we can. We're just doing the best that we can. What more can you ask?
I'm crossing every finger and every toe that there won't be drama. I really really really hope that it can just be a nice family Christmas party, with laughter and good food, Grandma and Grandpa playing Jingle Bells on their harmonicas, my dad blowing everyone away on his saxophone, and everyone leaving happy.
Some of my dad's family knows. What would their reaction be if they all knew? I imagine it as a wide spectrum. My personal idea is that I think there would be more misunderstanding than anything. In my experience with them, they tend to take the "react first, think about the consequences later" approach. That doesn't always bode well for a softie like me. I've always felt like there is a lot of judgment instead of unconditional love. Just my observations.
I worry about my dad though. It's his family after all. I know he's having a really hard time with everything that's going on with me. Some days, he will hardly speak to me. He gets really weird and the feeling I get is that he doesn't want to be around me. Some days, it's like it was before, when we were buds. I just try to ride the waves as they come and be understanding. I know that where my life is now is never where my parents planned I would be. But it is what it is.
I don't know if it will come up at all. I really really hope that it doesn't. But it doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. I'm still going to live my life. And I guess if they are talking about me, they won't be talking about anyone else, and that might be a good thing. Not everyone has a picture perfect life, you know? If you're going to speculate about someone's life, talk about my dirty laundry instead of someone else's. That won't bother me.
If anything gets said tonight, in any sort of negative or demeaning way, I have no doubt in my mind that my mom will stand up for me and defend me and fight for me if that's what it comes to. She's tough that way, and I know she loves me. I think my relationship with her has improved so much since I came out. It's better now that it probably has ever been, even back when I was being straight. She'll turn into Mama Bear for any of her kids. But I'm not sure what my dad will do. I would hope first and foremost that nothing will get said to them at all. But if it does, I don't know my dad's response would be.
It's a crazy thing to have doubts about the love you get from a parent. It's even difficult to try to explain. The deep down love I know is still there. I know he loves me. I know he's having a hard time showing it. It's just weird sometimes, a really weird feeling.
But I will say this, and if any of my dad's family ever reads this, I would hope that this is what they would remember:
I am gay and that is no one's fault. My parents had absolutely nothing to do with it. They didn't make me gay by the way they raised me. They didn't choose it and I didn't choose it, and we're accepting it and doing the best that we can. We're just doing the best that we can. What more can you ask?
I'm crossing every finger and every toe that there won't be drama. I really really really hope that it can just be a nice family Christmas party, with laughter and good food, Grandma and Grandpa playing Jingle Bells on their harmonicas, my dad blowing everyone away on his saxophone, and everyone leaving happy.
02 December 2010
Stop and Stare
My girlfriend and I went to the Festival of the Trees on Wednesday night. For those of you who don't live in Utah, this is a yearly benefit for Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City. Hundreds of trees, wreaths, gingerbread houses, and stuff are decorated and donated, then auctioned off to raise money. Then they have four nights of exhibition for the public to come view the trees. It's a really awesome event and if you are in the SLC area, I suggest you go. It's at the Sandy Expo Center through the 4th.
Anyways, we're at the Festival, we're looking at trees and loving life. In public, we don't act like a couple, meaning that we aren't affectionate, holding hands, things of that nature. An observant soul could probably figure out that we're together, which is fine, but we don't advertise. We're cautious.
I don't know if there were a lot of observant souls around last night, but we were both noticing how many people seemed to be staring at us. Maybe it was an acute case of paranoia. Maybe we were both having an awesome hair day and some people were jealous. Maybe people could tell that we're gay but we're also happy, and gay people are "sinful" so we're not supposed to be happy. That can be confusing for a Mormon, I think. I don't know. But it happens a lot when we go out and about. People like to stare at us. We just do our thing and try not to care, because we are happy, and that's what matters to us.
So I know we're adorable and all, but I think it's interesting that it happens to us. Does it happen to you? Why do you suppose that is?
Anyways, we're at the Festival, we're looking at trees and loving life. In public, we don't act like a couple, meaning that we aren't affectionate, holding hands, things of that nature. An observant soul could probably figure out that we're together, which is fine, but we don't advertise. We're cautious.
I don't know if there were a lot of observant souls around last night, but we were both noticing how many people seemed to be staring at us. Maybe it was an acute case of paranoia. Maybe we were both having an awesome hair day and some people were jealous. Maybe people could tell that we're gay but we're also happy, and gay people are "sinful" so we're not supposed to be happy. That can be confusing for a Mormon, I think. I don't know. But it happens a lot when we go out and about. People like to stare at us. We just do our thing and try not to care, because we are happy, and that's what matters to us.
29 November 2010
What I Am Thankful For
I know that I have so much to be thankful for. My Thanksgiving this year was different from any Thanksgiving I've had. It was new and almost weird, but it gave me time to really reflect on what I'm grateful for.
First, I'm so grateful for my wonderful girlfriend. She is amazing and amazingly good to me. I hate my job, but I love that it brought us together. We laugh often, we fight very rarely. We love each other and I can't imagine my life without her. More importantly, I don't want to. I really feel like she's my soulmate and I'm so thankful that she is.
Second, I'm thankful for the presence of God in my life. I see His influence in so many small but significant ways and it continues to amaze me.
I'm really grateful for my family. They have made such leaps and strides in the last year. Last Thanksgiving, it was a massacre, complete with tears and guilt. In the last year, I have seen how they have really made an effort to understand me and to still show their love for me. It is a miracle as far as I'm concerned, and I love each and every one of them.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school. If I had my way, I wouldn't work, I'd just be a student. I love being on campus, I love learning, I don't always love homework but I do love the opportunity it gives me to learn more and to incorporate knowledge in my life. I love that school helps me feel like I'm doing something important and going somewhere beyond a restaurant.
I'm glad that I got to spend Thanksgiving with my new family, and I'm grateful for their acceptance of me. I love my girlfriend's Mom. She is such an amazing person and I know she has one of the biggest hearts in the world. I'm glad that my girlfriend's brothers are awesome and I love watching the the four of them with my girl. They are an awesome family.
I have so much more that I could list, but those are the big ones. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and going into Christmas, I hope I can continue to remember how blessed I am.
First, I'm so grateful for my wonderful girlfriend. She is amazing and amazingly good to me. I hate my job, but I love that it brought us together. We laugh often, we fight very rarely. We love each other and I can't imagine my life without her. More importantly, I don't want to. I really feel like she's my soulmate and I'm so thankful that she is.
Second, I'm thankful for the presence of God in my life. I see His influence in so many small but significant ways and it continues to amaze me.
I'm really grateful for my family. They have made such leaps and strides in the last year. Last Thanksgiving, it was a massacre, complete with tears and guilt. In the last year, I have seen how they have really made an effort to understand me and to still show their love for me. It is a miracle as far as I'm concerned, and I love each and every one of them.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to school. If I had my way, I wouldn't work, I'd just be a student. I love being on campus, I love learning, I don't always love homework but I do love the opportunity it gives me to learn more and to incorporate knowledge in my life. I love that school helps me feel like I'm doing something important and going somewhere beyond a restaurant.
I'm glad that I got to spend Thanksgiving with my new family, and I'm grateful for their acceptance of me. I love my girlfriend's Mom. She is such an amazing person and I know she has one of the biggest hearts in the world. I'm glad that my girlfriend's brothers are awesome and I love watching the the four of them with my girl. They are an awesome family.
I have so much more that I could list, but those are the big ones. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and going into Christmas, I hope I can continue to remember how blessed I am.
18 November 2010
Be Who You Are
I was on the Affirmation website last night and I stumbled upon a memorial for someone I went to junior high with. I knew him. His name was Marshall Myers. Two years ago, he killed himself.
I wish I had a loud voice or a blog that was read by millions, so I could shout and tell everyone that
Yes, you might be rejected by some, but
You are here for a purpose and the world is less without you. There are so many people who are willing to stand around you and be your support and show you a world you can't even dream of. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to live. It's okay to be who you are.
I wish I had a loud voice or a blog that was read by millions, so I could shout and tell everyone that
it really is completely okay to just be who you are.
Yes, you might be rejected by some, but
YOU WILL BE EMBRACED
by others. I mean, you could be rejected for being a BYU fan these days, or liking the Jazz, or being a Democrat. But none of that is worth your life.
You are worth more than what ignorant people will tell you.
You are beautiful.
You are here for a purpose and the world is less without you. There are so many people who are willing to stand around you and be your support and show you a world you can't even dream of. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to live. It's okay to be who you are.
Please don't give up.
17 November 2010
I Hate Sheryl Crow
Or more accurately, I hate what Sheryl Crow invokes the memory of.
For those of you who have followed my blog since the beginning, you know that in the process of coming out, there was only one friend that I lost. We had been friends since high school, which was about nine years, and roommates for four of those. It was unfortunate, but it happened. It has now been about sixteen months since I spoke with her. The last communication I had from her was an email...which we won't really talk about.
Her favorite music was the musical stylings of Sheryl Crow. Non-stop. Road trips, cleaning the house, running the errands, Sheryl Crow. Of course, mixed in with other things, but a lot of Sheryl Crow. I even went to her concert with my friend because she couldn't find anyone else to go with her. At that point, I didn't mind the music but it wasn't my favorite. I had an okay time at the concert so it wasn't a complete loss.
Now she's definitely not my favorite.
I know that I am still bothered about the way our friendship ended. There were a lot of things that went unresolved I suppose. There are things I wish I would have said, but after the email, I decided that it would be better to just not respond. After all, the Golden Rule teaches us that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
I hate that every silver Honda Civic makes me remember her. I hate that Sheryl Crow plays on the muzak channel at work. It's really annoying to me. She was my friend for nine years and in the end, she treated me like someone she had known for nine weeks. I don't want to be reminded of her anymore. I don't want to think about her anymore.
So why am I?
Yikes.
For those of you who have followed my blog since the beginning, you know that in the process of coming out, there was only one friend that I lost. We had been friends since high school, which was about nine years, and roommates for four of those. It was unfortunate, but it happened. It has now been about sixteen months since I spoke with her. The last communication I had from her was an email...which we won't really talk about.
Her favorite music was the musical stylings of Sheryl Crow. Non-stop. Road trips, cleaning the house, running the errands, Sheryl Crow. Of course, mixed in with other things, but a lot of Sheryl Crow. I even went to her concert with my friend because she couldn't find anyone else to go with her. At that point, I didn't mind the music but it wasn't my favorite. I had an okay time at the concert so it wasn't a complete loss.
Now she's definitely not my favorite.
I know that I am still bothered about the way our friendship ended. There were a lot of things that went unresolved I suppose. There are things I wish I would have said, but after the email, I decided that it would be better to just not respond. After all, the Golden Rule teaches us that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
I hate that every silver Honda Civic makes me remember her. I hate that Sheryl Crow plays on the muzak channel at work. It's really annoying to me. She was my friend for nine years and in the end, she treated me like someone she had known for nine weeks. I don't want to be reminded of her anymore. I don't want to think about her anymore.
So why am I?
Yikes.
16 November 2010
The Verdict
So I've had time to ponder my blog and its place in my life. I know I'm not the first to have the "blogging identity crisis" and I'm sure I won't be the last. But I think I know where I'm at now. Here's what I've been thinking about.
First: it's times like this where I wish I had a web camera so that I could accurately portray my mood and tone of voice. Alas, the technology for that escapes me for now. So I'm left with the disclaimer approach, which goes something like this...
I am a passive person, sometimes referred to as a peace-maker. Conflict is not my game. None of what I write here is written in the spirit of anger, resentment, frustration, anything like that. It is just how I would say it if I were talking with a friend, and that's the tone that I most often use when writing on my blogs. If I'm all fired up about something, usually I will make mention of that. Not the case with this post.
Second: this blog is really important to me. I know that being able to write about my feelings and my experiences has helped me work through some of the negative issues that I have personally come across. Being a part of a blogging community has also helped me immensely, because I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who feels this way or deals with the religious ripple effect, and I've been able to meet some really great people in the "real world" because of it.
Third: I still have things I want to say and write and put out there. I feel this is important because, for whatever reason, there are more male Moho's than female Moho's. To be a voice and to be a potential point of hope for someone is a great honor and privilege to me.
Fourth: This is my blog and will own that. If you are unhappy with anything you've read, don't hesitate to contact me and we can discuss it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and feelings and I'm totally on board with that. Know that I will give you and your opinion respect if you return the favor. If you continue to be unhappy with my posts and my thoughts and what I put on here, by all means, please don't read. It won't hurt my feelings.
To my unintended audience, I think you can guess who you are, allow me a few words. Perhaps the knowledge of me that comes from this blog is a surprise to you. Perhaps it's not. Regardless, I am who I am and this is the path I am embracing. Maybe you thought you knew me all those years, but there were so many things I never shared. I was miserable. I was hurting myself. I was suicidal. I hated everything and everyone because I was so unhappy. That's not a way to live. I am not that way anymore. I am happy. For the first time in so very long, I love my life! I feel like I've solved the mystery that hung over my head all those years. I feel whole and complete. I know that God loves me and He is still very much a part of my life. I invite Him daily to be with me and I feel His presence. I do not consider myself wayward or corrupt or evil. I am proud of who I am. If you don't like that, you don't have to. I'm not asking you to congratulate me. I hope that whatever stereotypes or ideas you have about gay people, you will remember that I am not a stereotype and I am not typical, and being gay is not a curse or a crime or a reason to hate. I am just me, mostly like you have always known, except with more sunlight in my life now.
My life is good and I enjoy it. And I'm going to keep blogging so I can share that joy. Come with me, if you like.
First: it's times like this where I wish I had a web camera so that I could accurately portray my mood and tone of voice. Alas, the technology for that escapes me for now. So I'm left with the disclaimer approach, which goes something like this...
I am a passive person, sometimes referred to as a peace-maker. Conflict is not my game. None of what I write here is written in the spirit of anger, resentment, frustration, anything like that. It is just how I would say it if I were talking with a friend, and that's the tone that I most often use when writing on my blogs. If I'm all fired up about something, usually I will make mention of that. Not the case with this post.
Second: this blog is really important to me. I know that being able to write about my feelings and my experiences has helped me work through some of the negative issues that I have personally come across. Being a part of a blogging community has also helped me immensely, because I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who feels this way or deals with the religious ripple effect, and I've been able to meet some really great people in the "real world" because of it.
Third: I still have things I want to say and write and put out there. I feel this is important because, for whatever reason, there are more male Moho's than female Moho's. To be a voice and to be a potential point of hope for someone is a great honor and privilege to me.
Fourth: This is my blog and will own that. If you are unhappy with anything you've read, don't hesitate to contact me and we can discuss it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and feelings and I'm totally on board with that. Know that I will give you and your opinion respect if you return the favor. If you continue to be unhappy with my posts and my thoughts and what I put on here, by all means, please don't read. It won't hurt my feelings.
To my unintended audience, I think you can guess who you are, allow me a few words. Perhaps the knowledge of me that comes from this blog is a surprise to you. Perhaps it's not. Regardless, I am who I am and this is the path I am embracing. Maybe you thought you knew me all those years, but there were so many things I never shared. I was miserable. I was hurting myself. I was suicidal. I hated everything and everyone because I was so unhappy. That's not a way to live. I am not that way anymore. I am happy. For the first time in so very long, I love my life! I feel like I've solved the mystery that hung over my head all those years. I feel whole and complete. I know that God loves me and He is still very much a part of my life. I invite Him daily to be with me and I feel His presence. I do not consider myself wayward or corrupt or evil. I am proud of who I am. If you don't like that, you don't have to. I'm not asking you to congratulate me. I hope that whatever stereotypes or ideas you have about gay people, you will remember that I am not a stereotype and I am not typical, and being gay is not a curse or a crime or a reason to hate. I am just me, mostly like you have always known, except with more sunlight in my life now.
My life is good and I enjoy it. And I'm going to keep blogging so I can share that joy. Come with me, if you like.
03 November 2010
Could This Be The End?
I haven't been blogging much lately because I feel like there's been some drama. I am a person who is not about conflict and drama at all, and I hate that there has been drama. I understand it, I understand my part in it, I accept that, but I don't have to like it.
This is mostly because it has come to my attention that I have an audience that I perhaps did not plan on. I've been in a place of indecision and hesitation because of this. I am a person who is still very much a work in progress, I still have a lot of insecurities (even though I'm working on it), and news of these potential readers has put me into a sort of limbo. I've been weighing choices and consequences and trying to determine what I should do with this blog.
I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings, my thoughts, and my reactions to the world I live in. That may not be the same world that you live in. The things I write are purely my perception, and not much else. I don't think that this blog reaches a particularly large audience, but maybe I'm wrong on that.
I have really enjoyed having this blog. I really enjoy being a part of a blogging community and reading the blogs of other people who share similar circumstances. That has been such a blessing for me.
So I don't know what to do yet. I'm still in the middle of the arguments. I really don't want to stop blogging. But I need to figure out what to do and where to go from here.
I hope it isn't the end.
This is mostly because it has come to my attention that I have an audience that I perhaps did not plan on. I've been in a place of indecision and hesitation because of this. I am a person who is still very much a work in progress, I still have a lot of insecurities (even though I'm working on it), and news of these potential readers has put me into a sort of limbo. I've been weighing choices and consequences and trying to determine what I should do with this blog.
I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings, my thoughts, and my reactions to the world I live in. That may not be the same world that you live in. The things I write are purely my perception, and not much else. I don't think that this blog reaches a particularly large audience, but maybe I'm wrong on that.
I have really enjoyed having this blog. I really enjoy being a part of a blogging community and reading the blogs of other people who share similar circumstances. That has been such a blessing for me.
So I don't know what to do yet. I'm still in the middle of the arguments. I really don't want to stop blogging. But I need to figure out what to do and where to go from here.
I hope it isn't the end.
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