14 June 2012

Day 9: Mixed-Orientation Marriages

There has been a lot of buzz about mixed-orientation marriages lately, from Ty and Danielle Mansfield headlining LDS Living magazine to the blog post by Josh Weed, and all the responses in between.

Without knowing it, I was part of such a marriage.  I say without knowing it, because during the years I was married, I was not consciously aware of the fact that I was gay.  Looking back, there are always signs and obvious clues, but I was caught up in the ignorance of my situation.

The difference between my situation and the ones that have been shared among the internet community is that neither myself nor my husband were well-informed going into the marriage.  We nearly called it off anyway, so I think that if we had known that I was gay before we got married, we wouldn't have taken that step into Man-and-Wife Land.  I can say with a fair amount of confidence that marrying a gay woman was not on my ex-husbands To-Do list.  If we would have talked about it, I don't think he would have continued to pursue a relationship with me.

Another difference in my situation and some other mixed-orientation marriages is that mine didn't last long enough for me to come out to my husband while we were still married.  Although it was one of the big reasons for the ending of the marriage, we didn't know that this was causing us such grief and drama and heartache.  We didn't know why I didn't want to sleep with him, why I had a difficult time, why I wasn't feeling attached to him, why I would have rather spent time with my girl friends than my husband.  Now of course, it's glaringly obvious.  Then, it honestly didn't even cross my mind.

For me, marriage was difficult.  I don't know if it was more difficult because I wasn't out or less difficult because I wasn't out, but either way it was difficult.  There was always this wedge between us.  As much as we tried to make our relationship stronger, it only got weaker, because we lacked that close intimacy that is needed if you're going to make a marriage last the test of time and weather.

Will Ty and Danielle stay together?  Will Josh and his wife?  I don't know.  If they do, I think that's great.  But more often than not, even if you really want it to work, it doesn't happen.  It's almost like it can't.

In my case, no amount of praying, fasting, church-going, bishop's counseling, or will-powering could be the glue that kept us together.  But I know that both of us are so much happier now that we're apart.  He's remarried to a woman who can give him her whole heart and they have the family that he so desperately wanted when we were together.  And I'm committed to a person who I can give my whole heart to, and we are building our life together on the foundation of a strong and loving relationship.  Both of us have someone who is right for us now.

Just my two cents.


Kelly slash FindingMyWay said...

Your two cents are worth so much more! I loved this post. MOMs are definitely difficult and it's almost inevitable that they fail. I see that it seems possible for some, but we're not at the end of their story, are we? It's successful now, and possibly for a while in the future, but forever? I'm not so sure. I wish them all the best, but I'm not a solid believer.

I'm sorry you struggled as much as you did. I'm so happy for you that you have Amy and that you can fill each other. I'm also happy for your ex that he has found that as well. My very recent exH just started dating and I couldn't be happier for him. It's the way it's meant to be.

Thanks for your thoughts!