20 June 2012

Day 15: What Do You Thirst For?

Do you ever find yourself wondering about what will come next?

Unsure footing.  Hazy and treacherous terrain.  Clouds hiding the sky.  Some people tell you one thing is right, other people tell you the opposite.

How do you navigate?

When I first came to the blogosphere, I was desperately searching for something.  I wanted to better understand what I was feeling, and to know that I wasn't the only one feeling that way.  I chewed through blog after blog after blog, my soul begging for answers.  I found camaraderie.

As I progressed in my situation and began unraveling my plight through the therapeutic fingers of my own blog, I sought to cultivate that camaraderie.  I had found a place where I could probably belong.  I wanted to contribute.  I actually found myself believing that it was okay to take my feelings and mold them into description, give them a voice out in the world and let them speak.  I found myself thinking that it was okay to offer my experiences to this community, and to this world, and that my own small moments of trepidation could mean something...just like those moments from other people meant something to me.

Then I found a certain level of...neutrality.  I found a way to be okay.  This grain of sand had been transformed into a pearl of stagnant peace.  I took a break.  I didn't blog as much.  Instead, I went out into the world and lived my life.  I breathed that air.  I stepped into the sunlight that was above me.  I paused.  But you can't pause forever.  Life is motion, and you have to keep moving.

But then what?

Perhaps I had my oasis.  Is there another one waiting for me in this desert wasteland?  If I keep walking, leaving footprints in the sand behind me, what will come next?

I think it's human nature to want to matter.  I also think it's human nature to want to share in the experience of being human.  That's why this works.  We're not alone.  We walk together.  But we also evolve.  And what inspired us once is not guaranteed to inspire us tomorrow.

So what is it that drives me to keep going?  What am I looking for?  What am I thirsting for?

Perhaps better direction.  I'm moving into more uncharted territory as of late.  Some days, it's too overwhelming to think about.  It's almost discouraging to know that I still don't have the answers.  But I have to keep looking.  I have to keep thirsting after whatever hope it is that pushes me on, with the kind of desperation that is needed to survive.  If I don't, I know I won't get to where I'm going.  The journey continues.  Little by little, we get there.

Where "there" is, time will tell.