I'm going to put a hold on my 30 days of post series. There are some blogs lately, or maybe it's just Google itself, that are having some issues. I've changed some settings in the hope that it will help. But I'm also going to give it a couple days to see of it kicks in.
Day 23 will resume...shortly.
29 June 2012
28 June 2012
Day 22: Days Like These
Today is the last day of my weekend. For those of you in the "real world" out there, today is Wednesday. For those of us who work on your weekends, we take days off in the middle of the week. My weekend is Tuesday and Wednesday.
I'm sad the weekend is over. But today was an awesome day.
First: Spain advances to the EuroCup final over Portugal. Being that there were many players from Real Madrid and FC Barcelona, this was an interesting match to watch. It went full time, then extra time, then to penalty kicks to determine the winner. I love soccer like that and it's even better when the team you want to win actually does. Being a Jazz fan all these years hasn't given me much experience in that category, but I'm finding that I enjoy it.
Second, I spent all day with my best friend. I know our relationship does as well as it does because we have a pretty awesome friendship. It's really great to be in love with my best friend.
Third, we went to dinner with my girlfriend's brother and his fiancé. We love hanging out with those two. They're just dorky like we are and we always have so much fun. I'm lucky to have been accepted into a second family. I didn't grow up with brothers, but I have them now. I'm just blessed.
I love days like these.
I'm sad the weekend is over. But today was an awesome day.
First: Spain advances to the EuroCup final over Portugal. Being that there were many players from Real Madrid and FC Barcelona, this was an interesting match to watch. It went full time, then extra time, then to penalty kicks to determine the winner. I love soccer like that and it's even better when the team you want to win actually does. Being a Jazz fan all these years hasn't given me much experience in that category, but I'm finding that I enjoy it.
Second, I spent all day with my best friend. I know our relationship does as well as it does because we have a pretty awesome friendship. It's really great to be in love with my best friend.
Third, we went to dinner with my girlfriend's brother and his fiancé. We love hanging out with those two. They're just dorky like we are and we always have so much fun. I'm lucky to have been accepted into a second family. I didn't grow up with brothers, but I have them now. I'm just blessed.
I love days like these.
27 June 2012
Day 21: Two Thumbs Up
I'm a fan of feel good, simplistic humor. Sarcasm is my favorite, but I enjoy a movie that can make me laugh.
Madagascar 3.
Loved it!
Madagascar 3.
Loved it!
25 June 2012
Day 20: I Know You're Not Okay With It
I had a conversation with my sister last week. They were visiting and stayed an extra night because of my dad getting set apart as a high councilman.
My family has graciously said that my girlfriend can come with us on our next family vacation.
I was totally and completely stunned, because I was prepared not to go. The last time we went on vacation, it was fun, but it sucked at the same time because I was away from the person I care about the most. We couldn't call each other, we weren't together, and we were both missing each other the whole time. It wasn't an enjoyable vacation. And I vowed that, should we vacation again, I wouldn't go alone. I'd rather stay home. So when my mom texted me about another vacation, that's what I assumed would be the case.
I was surprised.
I am not surprised that it is with great concern that they agreed. And it was some of these concerns that my sister, my mom, and I were discussing in this conversation.
My sister and my dad both feel like if they say that my girlfriend can come to events and on vacation, it's like they're telling me that they're okay with us being together, when really they're not. They feel like they're telling me that little by little, they accept our relationship.
But I know they're not okay with it. I know they'll never be.
What I hope for though, especially as time goes on, is that they'll get to know me again. And they'll get to know my girlfriend. I hope that the anger will fizzle and wither away. I hope that they'll see how happy we are. And little by little, while they may not accept it, it will be easier to show that they love me.
This is another bit of uncharted territory and I'm hoping that I won't take the wrong steps. I know that you're not okay with it. But maybe one day, I'll feel like you're okay with me again.
24 June 2012
Day 19: My Favorite Hymn
Hymn 304
Teach Me To Walk In The Light
Teach me to walk in the light of his love;
Teach me to pray to my Father above;
Teach me to know of the things that are right;
Teach me, teach me, to walk in the light.
Come, little child, and together we'll learn
Of his commandments, that we may return
Home to his presence, to live in his sight---
Always, always to walk in the light.
Father in Heaven, we thank thee this day
For loving guidance to show us the way,
Grateful, we praise thee with songs of delight,
Gladly, gladly, we'll walk in the light.
Teach Me To Walk In The Light
Teach me to walk in the light of his love;
Teach me to pray to my Father above;
Teach me to know of the things that are right;
Teach me, teach me, to walk in the light.
Come, little child, and together we'll learn
Of his commandments, that we may return
Home to his presence, to live in his sight---
Always, always to walk in the light.
Father in Heaven, we thank thee this day
For loving guidance to show us the way,
Grateful, we praise thee with songs of delight,
Gladly, gladly, we'll walk in the light.
23 June 2012
Day 18: Upcoming
My dad was called to the High Council last week.
I have some experiences surrounding this that I'd like to share, but it's still in that raw, processing phase. So I'm going to continue to think about what I'd like to say.
Stay tuned.
I have some experiences surrounding this that I'd like to share, but it's still in that raw, processing phase. So I'm going to continue to think about what I'd like to say.
Stay tuned.
22 June 2012
Day 17: A Late Response
I was looking at the stats of my blog yesterday and I stumbled upon comments on one of my posts from over a year ago. I don't usually get a lot of comments, so I thought it was peculiar that this particular post had 10 comments. Turns out that some of it was a conversation between the people reading my blog, one of whom knows me out in the real world.
I hadn't seen the exchange when it was happening. But I felt like it deserved a response, so I gave one, even though it was more than a year ago.
The post was "Treat Me Differently" from January of last year.
I think it's interesting to hear how people can perceive things that they really have no inside knowledge about. And we all do it. We put a spin on someone else's experience based upon our own experience, when really, no two experiences are the same. Even when you have two people standing side by side, witnessing the same event, they will interpret it differently.
I really respect Anonymous for taking the time to look back at the experiences that I described, and taking the time to consider it in my frame of context instead of their own.
And I also appreciate Jen and FindingMyWay for speaking up when I was unaware of the exchange.
I'll try to pay more attention in the future to whatever comments are posted here.
I hadn't seen the exchange when it was happening. But I felt like it deserved a response, so I gave one, even though it was more than a year ago.
The post was "Treat Me Differently" from January of last year.
I think it's interesting to hear how people can perceive things that they really have no inside knowledge about. And we all do it. We put a spin on someone else's experience based upon our own experience, when really, no two experiences are the same. Even when you have two people standing side by side, witnessing the same event, they will interpret it differently.
I really respect Anonymous for taking the time to look back at the experiences that I described, and taking the time to consider it in my frame of context instead of their own.
And I also appreciate Jen and FindingMyWay for speaking up when I was unaware of the exchange.
I'll try to pay more attention in the future to whatever comments are posted here.
21 June 2012
Day 16: Dawnlight
There are words
which cannot be spoken
and hearts
that will not hear
but each day the sun still rises
and whatever clouds may gather
in this uncertain
and sometimes unwanted day
will still be blessed by silver
perhaps unseen
but each day the sun still rises
hold my hand
be my hope
that one day those hearts
will listen truly
even if it is not this day
one day
grant me that day
and brighter than ever before
the sun will rise.
which cannot be spoken
and hearts
that will not hear
but each day the sun still rises
and whatever clouds may gather
in this uncertain
and sometimes unwanted day
will still be blessed by silver
perhaps unseen
but each day the sun still rises
hold my hand
be my hope
that one day those hearts
will listen truly
even if it is not this day
one day
grant me that day
and brighter than ever before
the sun will rise.
20 June 2012
Day 15: What Do You Thirst For?
Do you ever find yourself wondering about what will come next?
Unsure footing. Hazy and treacherous terrain. Clouds hiding the sky. Some people tell you one thing is right, other people tell you the opposite.
How do you navigate?
When I first came to the blogosphere, I was desperately searching for something. I wanted to better understand what I was feeling, and to know that I wasn't the only one feeling that way. I chewed through blog after blog after blog, my soul begging for answers. I found camaraderie.
As I progressed in my situation and began unraveling my plight through the therapeutic fingers of my own blog, I sought to cultivate that camaraderie. I had found a place where I could probably belong. I wanted to contribute. I actually found myself believing that it was okay to take my feelings and mold them into description, give them a voice out in the world and let them speak. I found myself thinking that it was okay to offer my experiences to this community, and to this world, and that my own small moments of trepidation could mean something...just like those moments from other people meant something to me.
Then I found a certain level of...neutrality. I found a way to be okay. This grain of sand had been transformed into a pearl of stagnant peace. I took a break. I didn't blog as much. Instead, I went out into the world and lived my life. I breathed that air. I stepped into the sunlight that was above me. I paused. But you can't pause forever. Life is motion, and you have to keep moving.
But then what?
Perhaps I had my oasis. Is there another one waiting for me in this desert wasteland? If I keep walking, leaving footprints in the sand behind me, what will come next?
I think it's human nature to want to matter. I also think it's human nature to want to share in the experience of being human. That's why this works. We're not alone. We walk together. But we also evolve. And what inspired us once is not guaranteed to inspire us tomorrow.
So what is it that drives me to keep going? What am I looking for? What am I thirsting for?
Perhaps better direction. I'm moving into more uncharted territory as of late. Some days, it's too overwhelming to think about. It's almost discouraging to know that I still don't have the answers. But I have to keep looking. I have to keep thirsting after whatever hope it is that pushes me on, with the kind of desperation that is needed to survive. If I don't, I know I won't get to where I'm going. The journey continues. Little by little, we get there.
Where "there" is, time will tell.
Unsure footing. Hazy and treacherous terrain. Clouds hiding the sky. Some people tell you one thing is right, other people tell you the opposite.
How do you navigate?
When I first came to the blogosphere, I was desperately searching for something. I wanted to better understand what I was feeling, and to know that I wasn't the only one feeling that way. I chewed through blog after blog after blog, my soul begging for answers. I found camaraderie.
As I progressed in my situation and began unraveling my plight through the therapeutic fingers of my own blog, I sought to cultivate that camaraderie. I had found a place where I could probably belong. I wanted to contribute. I actually found myself believing that it was okay to take my feelings and mold them into description, give them a voice out in the world and let them speak. I found myself thinking that it was okay to offer my experiences to this community, and to this world, and that my own small moments of trepidation could mean something...just like those moments from other people meant something to me.
Then I found a certain level of...neutrality. I found a way to be okay. This grain of sand had been transformed into a pearl of stagnant peace. I took a break. I didn't blog as much. Instead, I went out into the world and lived my life. I breathed that air. I stepped into the sunlight that was above me. I paused. But you can't pause forever. Life is motion, and you have to keep moving.
But then what?
Perhaps I had my oasis. Is there another one waiting for me in this desert wasteland? If I keep walking, leaving footprints in the sand behind me, what will come next?
I think it's human nature to want to matter. I also think it's human nature to want to share in the experience of being human. That's why this works. We're not alone. We walk together. But we also evolve. And what inspired us once is not guaranteed to inspire us tomorrow.
So what is it that drives me to keep going? What am I looking for? What am I thirsting for?
Perhaps better direction. I'm moving into more uncharted territory as of late. Some days, it's too overwhelming to think about. It's almost discouraging to know that I still don't have the answers. But I have to keep looking. I have to keep thirsting after whatever hope it is that pushes me on, with the kind of desperation that is needed to survive. If I don't, I know I won't get to where I'm going. The journey continues. Little by little, we get there.
Where "there" is, time will tell.
19 June 2012
Day 14: Summer Reading List
I'm out of school until August 22. Whenever we were out for the summer as kids, my mom made it a point to take us to the library. Summer reading was important in our house. Fortunately for my mother, all three of her kids didn't mind reading.
Even though I'm a busy adult leading a busy life, I still love to read. So I made a summer reading list of my own.
1. A Game of Thrones, George R.R. Martin
2. A Clash of Kings, George R.R. Martin
3. A Storm of Swords, George R.R. Martin
4. A Feast for Crows, George R.R. Martin
5. A Dance with Dragons, George R.R. Martin
6. Waiter Rant, The Waiter (aka Steve Dublanica)
7. Manhunt, James L. Swanson
8. Darth Bane: Dynasty of Evil, Drew Karpyshyn
9. A Picture of Dorian Grey, Oscar Wilde
Perhaps it's a little ambitious, but I've been meaning to read A Song of Ice and Fire (aka the Game of Thrones series) again. And yes, I read Star Wars books.
I'm already well into A Game of Thrones, so hopefully it's not too ambitious.
18 June 2012
Day 13: Katy Perry
Here's my thing about Katy Perry:
When Katy Perry puts out a new song, initially I usually find myself thinking it's not so bad. "I could like that," I think, as I listen to her latest release.
But then every single radio station has to play it and play it and play it and play it and play it and play it, until it's so overplayed that I want to choke someone just so I have something else to listen to.
I don't mind Katy Perry, or her music. After all, she does the lesbian theme song about kissing girls and liking it. Currently, I'm kind of liking the "Wide Awake" song that's new. But it's new. I've only heard it three times. So that might change.
When Katy Perry puts out a new song, initially I usually find myself thinking it's not so bad. "I could like that," I think, as I listen to her latest release.
But then every single radio station has to play it and play it and play it and play it and play it and play it, until it's so overplayed that I want to choke someone just so I have something else to listen to.
I don't mind Katy Perry, or her music. After all, she does the lesbian theme song about kissing girls and liking it. Currently, I'm kind of liking the "Wide Awake" song that's new. But it's new. I've only heard it three times. So that might change.
Day 12: Happy Father's Day
Happy Father's Day to all you Dad's, will-be Dad's, and Dad's of four-legged children out there!
Hope your day has been great, filled with laughter and love. And if you're in a situation where you didn't see your Dad, or your kids, because things are in some way strained, know that I'm sending you love and good thoughts. Hopefully one day, things will be better.
I hope my dad has had a great day. I think my sister and her family are in town, so hopefully he got to enjoy his day and feel appreciated, get lots of hugs from the grandkids, all that good stuff.
Being that it's a holiday and I am a restaurant server, I just worked all day, so I'm leaving it at that. :)
Hope your day has been great, filled with laughter and love. And if you're in a situation where you didn't see your Dad, or your kids, because things are in some way strained, know that I'm sending you love and good thoughts. Hopefully one day, things will be better.
I hope my dad has had a great day. I think my sister and her family are in town, so hopefully he got to enjoy his day and feel appreciated, get lots of hugs from the grandkids, all that good stuff.
Being that it's a holiday and I am a restaurant server, I just worked all day, so I'm leaving it at that. :)
16 June 2012
Day 11: Confession
My girlfriend's brother is getting married at the end of August. I don't even know how many Moho's are currently engaged, but it feels like quite a few. And then there's my Moho friends who are married.
All this wedding stuff is getting to me.
Gotta admit, I think I'd like to get married again.
But then I wonder...what would I wear? I'm not a dress kind of girl but as much as like to wear a tie, I don't think I'd like to get married in a tie or a suit or something like that.
And then there's the whole "well, what will my family say?"
I guess right now it's pretty irrelevant, being that I'm not getting married any time soon. But the wedding bells are ringing and I'm not out of earshot.
All this wedding stuff is getting to me.
Gotta admit, I think I'd like to get married again.
But then I wonder...what would I wear? I'm not a dress kind of girl but as much as like to wear a tie, I don't think I'd like to get married in a tie or a suit or something like that.
And then there's the whole "well, what will my family say?"
I guess right now it's pretty irrelevant, being that I'm not getting married any time soon. But the wedding bells are ringing and I'm not out of earshot.
15 June 2012
Day 10: Addendum to MOM's
I've been thinking more about mixed-orientation marriages and I'd like to add something that I think plays a big part in why people opt for getting married...
KIDS.
Especially within the LDS Church, family is of the upmost importance. That's the whole goal. Grow up, find an eternal companion, get married in the temple, have an eternal family.
Having no desire to have children of my own, this is something I don't experience personally. But I can see how that would play a big role in entering into a mixed-orientation marriage.
I'm still processing and may have more to say later, but this is all I've got for now.
KIDS.
Especially within the LDS Church, family is of the upmost importance. That's the whole goal. Grow up, find an eternal companion, get married in the temple, have an eternal family.
Having no desire to have children of my own, this is something I don't experience personally. But I can see how that would play a big role in entering into a mixed-orientation marriage.
I'm still processing and may have more to say later, but this is all I've got for now.
14 June 2012
Day 9: Mixed-Orientation Marriages
There has been a lot of buzz about mixed-orientation marriages lately, from Ty and Danielle Mansfield headlining LDS Living magazine to the blog post by Josh Weed, and all the responses in between.
Without knowing it, I was part of such a marriage. I say without knowing it, because during the years I was married, I was not consciously aware of the fact that I was gay. Looking back, there are always signs and obvious clues, but I was caught up in the ignorance of my situation.
The difference between my situation and the ones that have been shared among the internet community is that neither myself nor my husband were well-informed going into the marriage. We nearly called it off anyway, so I think that if we had known that I was gay before we got married, we wouldn't have taken that step into Man-and-Wife Land. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that marrying a gay woman was not on my ex-husbands To-Do list. If we would have talked about it, I don't think he would have continued to pursue a relationship with me.
Another difference in my situation and some other mixed-orientation marriages is that mine didn't last long enough for me to come out to my husband while we were still married. Although it was one of the big reasons for the ending of the marriage, we didn't know that this was causing us such grief and drama and heartache. We didn't know why I didn't want to sleep with him, why I had a difficult time, why I wasn't feeling attached to him, why I would have rather spent time with my girl friends than my husband. Now of course, it's glaringly obvious. Then, it honestly didn't even cross my mind.
For me, marriage was difficult. I don't know if it was more difficult because I wasn't out or less difficult because I wasn't out, but either way it was difficult. There was always this wedge between us. As much as we tried to make our relationship stronger, it only got weaker, because we lacked that close intimacy that is needed if you're going to make a marriage last the test of time and weather.
Will Ty and Danielle stay together? Will Josh and his wife? I don't know. If they do, I think that's great. But more often than not, even if you really want it to work, it doesn't happen. It's almost like it can't.
In my case, no amount of praying, fasting, church-going, bishop's counseling, or will-powering could be the glue that kept us together. But I know that both of us are so much happier now that we're apart. He's remarried to a woman who can give him her whole heart and they have the family that he so desperately wanted when we were together. And I'm committed to a person who I can give my whole heart to, and we are building our life together on the foundation of a strong and loving relationship. Both of us have someone who is right for us now.
Just my two cents.
Without knowing it, I was part of such a marriage. I say without knowing it, because during the years I was married, I was not consciously aware of the fact that I was gay. Looking back, there are always signs and obvious clues, but I was caught up in the ignorance of my situation.
The difference between my situation and the ones that have been shared among the internet community is that neither myself nor my husband were well-informed going into the marriage. We nearly called it off anyway, so I think that if we had known that I was gay before we got married, we wouldn't have taken that step into Man-and-Wife Land. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that marrying a gay woman was not on my ex-husbands To-Do list. If we would have talked about it, I don't think he would have continued to pursue a relationship with me.
Another difference in my situation and some other mixed-orientation marriages is that mine didn't last long enough for me to come out to my husband while we were still married. Although it was one of the big reasons for the ending of the marriage, we didn't know that this was causing us such grief and drama and heartache. We didn't know why I didn't want to sleep with him, why I had a difficult time, why I wasn't feeling attached to him, why I would have rather spent time with my girl friends than my husband. Now of course, it's glaringly obvious. Then, it honestly didn't even cross my mind.
For me, marriage was difficult. I don't know if it was more difficult because I wasn't out or less difficult because I wasn't out, but either way it was difficult. There was always this wedge between us. As much as we tried to make our relationship stronger, it only got weaker, because we lacked that close intimacy that is needed if you're going to make a marriage last the test of time and weather.
Will Ty and Danielle stay together? Will Josh and his wife? I don't know. If they do, I think that's great. But more often than not, even if you really want it to work, it doesn't happen. It's almost like it can't.
In my case, no amount of praying, fasting, church-going, bishop's counseling, or will-powering could be the glue that kept us together. But I know that both of us are so much happier now that we're apart. He's remarried to a woman who can give him her whole heart and they have the family that he so desperately wanted when we were together. And I'm committed to a person who I can give my whole heart to, and we are building our life together on the foundation of a strong and loving relationship. Both of us have someone who is right for us now.
Just my two cents.
13 June 2012
Day 8: Sacrifice
Sacrifice: 1: the offering of something precious to a deity or the thing offered; 2: loss or deprivation
It seems that if you are gay and LDS, you have to make a lot of choices. Being gay is not a choice, but how you proceed after coming out to yourself is a path that is filled with choices.
No matter how you look at it, sacrifice will be involved. At this point in history and with the Church, you can't be in a happily committed same-sex relationship and enjoy full membership status with the LDS Church. Therefore, if you want both, you have to weigh your options and give up something.
Some people opt for church membership. If you've never been a member of the LDS Church, this can seem rather ludicrous, even downright insane. This is because if you've never been inside, you don't know how much your church life is intertwined with every other part of your life. So to turn that upside down and walk away from it seems like the more dangerous choice, and definitely the scarier choice. To take that chance is just not worth it, especially when you're talking about eternal consequences.
Some people opt out of church membership. You take the chance that your family will say they never want to see you again. You take the chance that everything you've believed in and been taught is somewhat skewed. You take a chance on your personal faith that God loves you as you are, and will continue to love you, even when your temple recommend expires.
Within each of these choices, there are varying degrees of choice from there. You can date, you can not date, you can determine which standards are important and which you will let go. You decide what you will sacrifice and what you will keep.
And I'm all good with whatever you choose.
But sometimes I wonder about sacrifice, about what precious thing you will choose to offer to the Lord. Is there such a thing as too much?
The Bible Dictionary says that sacrifices, as performed in the Old Testament,
"were instructive as well as worshipful--accompanied by prayer, devotion, and dedication, and represented an acknowledgment on the part of the individual of his duty towards God, and also a thankfulness to the Lord for his life and blessings upon the earth."
I can see this working from either choice. Clearly there is an argument for staying active, staying celibate, staying in the Church. And when I say "celibate" here, I mean it in the context that the Church asks of gay members -- no dating, no holding hands, no kissing, no nothing. That could be seen as a duty towards God for this test in life. That chance for companionship is certainly a precious thing, one not easily given up, one that could be a significant sacrifice to the Lord.
On the other hand, perhaps it is a duty towards God to be an example of good and faithfulness outside the LDS Church. The sacrifice is the comfort of the Church as it was given to you as a child. I submit that there are many blessings to be had outside of meetinghouse walls, and in leaving those walls, there is a chance to find thankfulness for blessings that are continually bestowed upon us.
I don't think there is one black-and-white answer or path that will work for everyone. We've all given up something. Perhaps, like Abraham of old, we have to get to the alter and actually raise the knife before an angel of the Lord steps in and says, "this is enough."
And whether or not He is pleased with the sacrifice we offer, I believe is between you and Him.
It seems that if you are gay and LDS, you have to make a lot of choices. Being gay is not a choice, but how you proceed after coming out to yourself is a path that is filled with choices.
No matter how you look at it, sacrifice will be involved. At this point in history and with the Church, you can't be in a happily committed same-sex relationship and enjoy full membership status with the LDS Church. Therefore, if you want both, you have to weigh your options and give up something.
Some people opt for church membership. If you've never been a member of the LDS Church, this can seem rather ludicrous, even downright insane. This is because if you've never been inside, you don't know how much your church life is intertwined with every other part of your life. So to turn that upside down and walk away from it seems like the more dangerous choice, and definitely the scarier choice. To take that chance is just not worth it, especially when you're talking about eternal consequences.
Some people opt out of church membership. You take the chance that your family will say they never want to see you again. You take the chance that everything you've believed in and been taught is somewhat skewed. You take a chance on your personal faith that God loves you as you are, and will continue to love you, even when your temple recommend expires.
Within each of these choices, there are varying degrees of choice from there. You can date, you can not date, you can determine which standards are important and which you will let go. You decide what you will sacrifice and what you will keep.
And I'm all good with whatever you choose.
But sometimes I wonder about sacrifice, about what precious thing you will choose to offer to the Lord. Is there such a thing as too much?
The Bible Dictionary says that sacrifices, as performed in the Old Testament,
"were instructive as well as worshipful--accompanied by prayer, devotion, and dedication, and represented an acknowledgment on the part of the individual of his duty towards God, and also a thankfulness to the Lord for his life and blessings upon the earth."
I can see this working from either choice. Clearly there is an argument for staying active, staying celibate, staying in the Church. And when I say "celibate" here, I mean it in the context that the Church asks of gay members -- no dating, no holding hands, no kissing, no nothing. That could be seen as a duty towards God for this test in life. That chance for companionship is certainly a precious thing, one not easily given up, one that could be a significant sacrifice to the Lord.
On the other hand, perhaps it is a duty towards God to be an example of good and faithfulness outside the LDS Church. The sacrifice is the comfort of the Church as it was given to you as a child. I submit that there are many blessings to be had outside of meetinghouse walls, and in leaving those walls, there is a chance to find thankfulness for blessings that are continually bestowed upon us.
I don't think there is one black-and-white answer or path that will work for everyone. We've all given up something. Perhaps, like Abraham of old, we have to get to the alter and actually raise the knife before an angel of the Lord steps in and says, "this is enough."
And whether or not He is pleased with the sacrifice we offer, I believe is between you and Him.
12 June 2012
Day 7: Sports
I realize that not all of my gay friends are passionate about sports. I have always loved sports. And in my case, knowing a lot about sports allows me to keep my gay card, so it works out well for me. ;)
For instance, I love soccer.
Right now the UEFA tournament for the EuroCup is going on. I am so glad that ESPN has been showing the matches, because I've spent my mornings watching soccer.
For a lot of people I know, soccer isn't exciting at all. Not the case for me. Maybe it's because I used to play when I was a kid. Maybe it's because now I have a tiny crush on Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe from the US Women's National Team. I don't know. But I love it.
Of course, the EuroCup is strictly for European nations, so I go for Spain. I follow FC Barcelona as one of my club teams (the other is Real Salt Lake and I'm waiting to see what happens with women's professional soccer), and a lot of the players are also on Spain's National Team. They are so methodical and precise, it's amazing to watch. My girlfriend thinks it's boring, but the talent it takes to make soccer look that way is unbelievable to me. Other than that, I usually go for the underdog.
This is how I'm spending my mornings for the rest of June. Love it.
The US Men's National Team has started their World Cup 2014 qualifying matches, the MLS season is in full swing, and the Summer Games are coming up in London, so it's a good time to be a soccer fan.
I'm also excited for the NBA Finals to start tonight. I said at the beginning of the season that Oklahoma City had become a force to be reckoned with. I am stoked to see Kevin Durant vs. LeBron James. I think this is going to be an awesome series, and for once, I really don't care who wins. Both teams are deserving and as long as I get to see good basketball, I'll be happy.
Now if the Braves could just beat the Yankees, everyone in this house would be happy.
For instance, I love soccer.
For a lot of people I know, soccer isn't exciting at all. Not the case for me. Maybe it's because I used to play when I was a kid. Maybe it's because now I have a tiny crush on Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe from the US Women's National Team. I don't know. But I love it.
Of course, the EuroCup is strictly for European nations, so I go for Spain. I follow FC Barcelona as one of my club teams (the other is Real Salt Lake and I'm waiting to see what happens with women's professional soccer), and a lot of the players are also on Spain's National Team. They are so methodical and precise, it's amazing to watch. My girlfriend thinks it's boring, but the talent it takes to make soccer look that way is unbelievable to me. Other than that, I usually go for the underdog.
This is how I'm spending my mornings for the rest of June. Love it.
The US Men's National Team has started their World Cup 2014 qualifying matches, the MLS season is in full swing, and the Summer Games are coming up in London, so it's a good time to be a soccer fan.
I'm also excited for the NBA Finals to start tonight. I said at the beginning of the season that Oklahoma City had become a force to be reckoned with. I am stoked to see Kevin Durant vs. LeBron James. I think this is going to be an awesome series, and for once, I really don't care who wins. Both teams are deserving and as long as I get to see good basketball, I'll be happy.
Now if the Braves could just beat the Yankees, everyone in this house would be happy.
11 June 2012
Day 6: Tyrion Lannister
Game of Thrones.
This series is completely epic. I don't know if any of you have seen the HBO adaption of these books, but perhaps you have heard of Game of Thrones because of it.
George R.R. Martin is a GENIUS. I love these books. They definitely aren't for kids but if war and gore and some graphic language doesn't bother you, I highly recommend you read them.
One of the characters is Tyrion Lannister, a dwarf who comes from a major upper class house. I love Tyrion. He's smart, witty, and he's the only Lannister that we like. The rest of his house is the type of people that you love to hate. The fact that he's a dwarf is always used against him. He's not like a Lord of the Rings dwarf, he's a Little People Big World dwarf.
One of the things I love most about Tyrion though is that as much as people try to make him feel badly about who he is, he won't let them.
"Let them see that their words can cut you, and you'll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name, take it, make it your own. Then they can't hurt you with it anymore."
"Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."
Much like we see parallels with the musical "Wicked" and Elphaba, I see it with Tyrion. Smart little man. I like what he says. It gives me something to think about.
This series is completely epic. I don't know if any of you have seen the HBO adaption of these books, but perhaps you have heard of Game of Thrones because of it.
George R.R. Martin is a GENIUS. I love these books. They definitely aren't for kids but if war and gore and some graphic language doesn't bother you, I highly recommend you read them.
One of the characters is Tyrion Lannister, a dwarf who comes from a major upper class house. I love Tyrion. He's smart, witty, and he's the only Lannister that we like. The rest of his house is the type of people that you love to hate. The fact that he's a dwarf is always used against him. He's not like a Lord of the Rings dwarf, he's a Little People Big World dwarf.
One of the things I love most about Tyrion though is that as much as people try to make him feel badly about who he is, he won't let them.
"Let them see that their words can cut you, and you'll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name, take it, make it your own. Then they can't hurt you with it anymore."
"Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."
Much like we see parallels with the musical "Wicked" and Elphaba, I see it with Tyrion. Smart little man. I like what he says. It gives me something to think about.
Day 5: So Normal, It's Boring
At the beginning of this year, my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment together. For the last month, we've had someone from work staying with us. When she turned eighteen, her mom kicked her out, so we told her she could stay here.
I've thought about what our life must look like since she's been in our home. And from what I can see, we're just so normal that it's boring.
For example, I usually get up earlier than my girlfriend does. I wander out into the kitchen and get my morning Mountain Dew (hey, some people drink hot caffeine in the morning, I prefer cold). I get on my phone and catch up on the Facebook and the Twitter crowd, check the weather, maybe the CNN app if I'm feeling spunky.
When my girlfriend gets up, I usually make her coffee. Then we have breakfast together. Sometimes it's bagels with cinnamon sugar. Sometimes it's eggs and toast. Sometimes it's just yogurt. But we have breakfast together.
Then I do dishes. She does laundry. We pay bills. We run errands. Then we have to get ready for work. When we come home, we usually watch some SportsCenter or something on the DVR to unwind. We get a little something to eat. Then we go to bed.
Yes, it is probably boring. But it's also really nice. It's nice because we have this life together that is so normal. It's comfortable. It's what I imagined when I thought about my life with someone. We don't talk about taking over the world or corrupting traditional marriage. We don't discuss straight people much at all, actually, not in that context. We don't talk about politics or the economy or religion...much. We are just living our lives, doing our thing, being normal -- and boring -- together.
I've thought about what our life must look like since she's been in our home. And from what I can see, we're just so normal that it's boring.
For example, I usually get up earlier than my girlfriend does. I wander out into the kitchen and get my morning Mountain Dew (hey, some people drink hot caffeine in the morning, I prefer cold). I get on my phone and catch up on the Facebook and the Twitter crowd, check the weather, maybe the CNN app if I'm feeling spunky.
When my girlfriend gets up, I usually make her coffee. Then we have breakfast together. Sometimes it's bagels with cinnamon sugar. Sometimes it's eggs and toast. Sometimes it's just yogurt. But we have breakfast together.
Then I do dishes. She does laundry. We pay bills. We run errands. Then we have to get ready for work. When we come home, we usually watch some SportsCenter or something on the DVR to unwind. We get a little something to eat. Then we go to bed.
Yes, it is probably boring. But it's also really nice. It's nice because we have this life together that is so normal. It's comfortable. It's what I imagined when I thought about my life with someone. We don't talk about taking over the world or corrupting traditional marriage. We don't discuss straight people much at all, actually, not in that context. We don't talk about politics or the economy or religion...much. We are just living our lives, doing our thing, being normal -- and boring -- together.
09 June 2012
Day 4: For The Strength of Gay Youth
A few weeks ago, I was perusing the website of Affirmation, a group for gay Mormons of any level of activity. It had been awhile since I'd been on the site and they've made a lot of changes. It looks really good and there's much more information available.
When I was first coming out, Affirmation was a group that was suggested to me by the therapist I was seeing. She was not LDS but knew that this group could be supportive for someone from an LDS background. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time on Affirmation's website, looking for answers, looking for resources...looking for hope.
One of the things I found as I was on the site a few weeks ago was a resource that probably would have been very helpful when I was a coming out. It's called "For The Strength of Gay Youth" and it's based upon the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.
As someone who grew up in the LDS Church, the Strength of Youth pamphlet was used in my life all the time. When we had to speak in sacrament meeting, often we were asked to choose something from this document. We had lessons in Young Women's about it. I was given numerous copies during interviews with the Bishop for various callings or even tithing settlements. I was very familiar with this church publication.
Reading through the FTSOGY pamphlet on the Affirmation website was very interesting. I think it is a wonderful tool and even though it is not sanctioned by the LDS Church, I really like that Affirmation is putting a familiar spin on what can be unfamiliar territory. Coming out is not easy, and there are kids coming out at very young ages. That takes a lot of strength and courage. I am constantly amazed by what kids these days can do. But for all their bravery, sometimes I worry, because time and time again we are shown that the pressure can be suffocating.
I haven't gone through the site like I did years ago, but I think I'd like to. We all need positive messages and support, and sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not alone.
When I was first coming out, Affirmation was a group that was suggested to me by the therapist I was seeing. She was not LDS but knew that this group could be supportive for someone from an LDS background. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time on Affirmation's website, looking for answers, looking for resources...looking for hope.
One of the things I found as I was on the site a few weeks ago was a resource that probably would have been very helpful when I was a coming out. It's called "For The Strength of Gay Youth" and it's based upon the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.
Reading through the FTSOGY pamphlet on the Affirmation website was very interesting. I think it is a wonderful tool and even though it is not sanctioned by the LDS Church, I really like that Affirmation is putting a familiar spin on what can be unfamiliar territory. Coming out is not easy, and there are kids coming out at very young ages. That takes a lot of strength and courage. I am constantly amazed by what kids these days can do. But for all their bravery, sometimes I worry, because time and time again we are shown that the pressure can be suffocating.
I haven't gone through the site like I did years ago, but I think I'd like to. We all need positive messages and support, and sometimes it's nice to be reminded that you're not alone.
08 June 2012
Day 3: Pride
Pride 2012 was probably the best Pride out of the four I've been to.
We always look forward to Pride but it seems like I was especially looking forward to it this year. We had a lot of people from work who wanted to go, and quite a few had never been before. We always like seeing the Imperial Rainbow Court in the parade. My girlfriend's brother and brother-in-law spiff up the Jeep and it always looks AMAZING.
Also this year, I was really looking forward to seeing Westminster College in the parade. They asked for ideas on Facebook about what to put on their t-shirts this year, and they chose my idea. It wasn't anything super fantastic, but I thought that was pretty sweet.
I was probably most excited about Dustin Lance Black as the Grand Marshall. I watched his Oscar acceptance speech from "Milk" probably at least a dozen times, because I found his words so comforting. I find him to be a very eloquent speaker, always inspirational.
What I was not expecting was that he would be followed by such a large group of active LDS Church members in their Sunday best, waving rainbow flags.
We always look forward to Pride but it seems like I was especially looking forward to it this year. We had a lot of people from work who wanted to go, and quite a few had never been before. We always like seeing the Imperial Rainbow Court in the parade. My girlfriend's brother and brother-in-law spiff up the Jeep and it always looks AMAZING.
Also this year, I was really looking forward to seeing Westminster College in the parade. They asked for ideas on Facebook about what to put on their t-shirts this year, and they chose my idea. It wasn't anything super fantastic, but I thought that was pretty sweet.
I was probably most excited about Dustin Lance Black as the Grand Marshall. I watched his Oscar acceptance speech from "Milk" probably at least a dozen times, because I found his words so comforting. I find him to be a very eloquent speaker, always inspirational.
What I was not expecting was that he would be followed by such a large group of active LDS Church members in their Sunday best, waving rainbow flags.
I was aware of this group's existence. I had been invited to the Facebook group for Mormons Building Bridges about three weeks before Pride. At that time, they were hoping to get 100 members to come walk with them. The purpose was to show the LGBT community, especially the LGBT youth, that not all Mormons were unsupportive and/or hateful (hateful is perhaps a strong word that doesn't accurately describe the struggle between the LDS and LGBT communities, but I think it adequately reflects the emotion that occurs when trying to reconcile to the two from an individual standpoint). One thing that both groups can agree on is that we've lost too many young people to suicide. They have been victims of the lines that divide us, and neither community wants to lose any more.
When I saw this group of clearly more than 100 come around the corner, behind Dustin Lance Black, I was pretty much immediately moved to tears.
Normally it's just the PFLAG group that makes me cry, but this was an especially moving sight. Both my girlfriend and I were in tears. Several members left the group for a moment to hug us and tell us we were loved. We thanked them. We told them we come from Mormon homes. They said,
"and we love you."
It was an amazing experience. We were so fortunate to be there. And while they may never know how much it meant to us, I hope they had a good experience as well. Everyone stood up and clapped for them. No one around us showed anger or distrust or frustration that they were the group leading the parade. It seemed to me that they were welcomed. I hope they felt that way.
We are also very fortunate that we have a lot of people in our lives who love us and support us. A lot of them were there with us at Pride. Those who couldn't be there asked us about it and were glad that we had a good time.
If you were there, I hope you had a great time. If your Pride festivities are upcoming still, I hope you go and have an amazing time! My favorite part of Pride is going as you are and knowing that you're okay, you're surrounded by family, you're accepted by family. Happy Pride!
07 June 2012
Day 2: School
My school life is interesting.
I added a major last semester, so now I am an aviation management major and an accounting major. Both of these are business majors, so a lot of my classes count towards both. When I figured it out, it's only taking one more semester to get the credits needed for both. So I went for it.
I have four semesters left before graduation. Two years. It sounds like a long time but every time I look at how I've got my classes laid out, I get that little nervous/excited butterfly feeling. Sometimes it seems so far off, but it's really not.
I have absolutely loved my business classes. I have a mind that was made for accounting. I think it's fun. People think I'm crazy.
My aviation classes have been somewhat frustrating, which is really disappointing to me because I love aviation so much. But I'm not a flight operations major, and that is what all the aviation classes seemed to be focused for. I would fly if I could, and perhaps I still will one day. Right now I don't qualify for a medical certificate because of my past mental history. If I decide to jump through all the hoops and get a SODA that says I am cleared for medical, it will be when I have time to fly on my own and enjoy it.
It's frustrating to want to know more, but not be given the information, and not know where to look for it. It's frustrating to feel like I'm trying to catch up. I'm not above working hard for my education. I'm not afraid of having to put a lot of effort in. And yet, that willingness often seems to be wasted, because I don't know where to find information that will help me learn the material.
If I had one major complaint about the program, it would be that there is so much attention given to flight ops majors, and not enough given to management majors. I wish that some of the flight ops kids could come sit with me in an accounting class, just so they know what I feel like in the aviation classes.
Don't get me wrong, I have been enjoying school. It's an interesting perspective to me. I really want to be there. I'm paying for it myself. I've had quite a bit of life experience. And to sit next to teenagers and listen to their conversations, see how much or how little effort they put into something, feel how young they are and notice how some of them take it for granted...it makes me feel old. I don't look it. I look just like them. But I'm almost 30. And that makes a big difference.
If anyone's interested, I'll be taking fifteen credit hours next semester. I have two accounting classes, one aviation class, and one speech class. The speech class is the only general requirement I have left. I got my Associate Degree from another school where speech wasn't required. Everything else is covered...except this class, which is taken directly from my nightmares. So I'll knock it out and be done with it.
Class of 2014. Yeah baby.
I added a major last semester, so now I am an aviation management major and an accounting major. Both of these are business majors, so a lot of my classes count towards both. When I figured it out, it's only taking one more semester to get the credits needed for both. So I went for it.
I have four semesters left before graduation. Two years. It sounds like a long time but every time I look at how I've got my classes laid out, I get that little nervous/excited butterfly feeling. Sometimes it seems so far off, but it's really not.
I have absolutely loved my business classes. I have a mind that was made for accounting. I think it's fun. People think I'm crazy.
My aviation classes have been somewhat frustrating, which is really disappointing to me because I love aviation so much. But I'm not a flight operations major, and that is what all the aviation classes seemed to be focused for. I would fly if I could, and perhaps I still will one day. Right now I don't qualify for a medical certificate because of my past mental history. If I decide to jump through all the hoops and get a SODA that says I am cleared for medical, it will be when I have time to fly on my own and enjoy it.
It's frustrating to want to know more, but not be given the information, and not know where to look for it. It's frustrating to feel like I'm trying to catch up. I'm not above working hard for my education. I'm not afraid of having to put a lot of effort in. And yet, that willingness often seems to be wasted, because I don't know where to find information that will help me learn the material.
If I had one major complaint about the program, it would be that there is so much attention given to flight ops majors, and not enough given to management majors. I wish that some of the flight ops kids could come sit with me in an accounting class, just so they know what I feel like in the aviation classes.
Don't get me wrong, I have been enjoying school. It's an interesting perspective to me. I really want to be there. I'm paying for it myself. I've had quite a bit of life experience. And to sit next to teenagers and listen to their conversations, see how much or how little effort they put into something, feel how young they are and notice how some of them take it for granted...it makes me feel old. I don't look it. I look just like them. But I'm almost 30. And that makes a big difference.
If anyone's interested, I'll be taking fifteen credit hours next semester. I have two accounting classes, one aviation class, and one speech class. The speech class is the only general requirement I have left. I got my Associate Degree from another school where speech wasn't required. Everything else is covered...except this class, which is taken directly from my nightmares. So I'll knock it out and be done with it.
Class of 2014. Yeah baby.
06 June 2012
Day 1: Summer Plans
My summer plans actually started Memorial Day weekend with the airshow at Hill Air Force Base. It rained both days and I still managed to get sunburned, rain delays and all. I'm very white. But summer officially started with Pride weekend, because I'm actually out of school now for the summer (hooray!).
I'm going to dedicate an entire post to Pride, so I won't go into much detail here, but it was a really good experience this year. We had a tremendously wonderful time.
So where does the summer go from here? Well, I'm probably going to find a second job. I'm still at the restaurant in the evenings, but there is doom and gloom on the horizon--we will have a Texas Roadhouse opening later this year. Needless to say, I'm going to need to find a second source of income for when that happens. Our company estimates that it takes about a year to recover normal business. I'm not even surprised that Roadhouse will be opening right when we're supposed to be getting into our busy season. Diabolical. But I get it. They're running a business too.
Work work work.
But there are good things too. I've got tickets to see the Women's National Soccer team play Canada here at Rio Tinto Stadium at the end of this month. I'd like to try and get to a Real Salt Lake match as well. We've got tickets for Wicked at the end of July. We'll be bartending the Emerald and Ruby Ball again this year for the Imperial Rainbow Court in Ogden (if you're interested in going, please let me know!). Then my girlfriend's brother is getting married at the end of August.
I think the best part will be the time that I get to spend with my girlfriend. We are loving having our own space and the apartment has been so good for us. It seems like every day just gets better and better. She's going to try and get through the summer with just one job. She's had up to three since I've known her and I'm excited for her to have a little bit of a break.
Seems like two and a half months out of school is a long time, but I'm sure it will melt by faster than I'd like it to.
Happy Summer!
I'm going to dedicate an entire post to Pride, so I won't go into much detail here, but it was a really good experience this year. We had a tremendously wonderful time.
So where does the summer go from here? Well, I'm probably going to find a second job. I'm still at the restaurant in the evenings, but there is doom and gloom on the horizon--we will have a Texas Roadhouse opening later this year. Needless to say, I'm going to need to find a second source of income for when that happens. Our company estimates that it takes about a year to recover normal business. I'm not even surprised that Roadhouse will be opening right when we're supposed to be getting into our busy season. Diabolical. But I get it. They're running a business too.
Work work work.
But there are good things too. I've got tickets to see the Women's National Soccer team play Canada here at Rio Tinto Stadium at the end of this month. I'd like to try and get to a Real Salt Lake match as well. We've got tickets for Wicked at the end of July. We'll be bartending the Emerald and Ruby Ball again this year for the Imperial Rainbow Court in Ogden (if you're interested in going, please let me know!). Then my girlfriend's brother is getting married at the end of August.
I think the best part will be the time that I get to spend with my girlfriend. We are loving having our own space and the apartment has been so good for us. It seems like every day just gets better and better. She's going to try and get through the summer with just one job. She's had up to three since I've known her and I'm excited for her to have a little bit of a break.
Seems like two and a half months out of school is a long time, but I'm sure it will melt by faster than I'd like it to.
Happy Summer!
05 June 2012
Blog Everyday Challenge
I've seen people do "Everyday" blogs and vlogs before and I've wondered about doing it. I've thought about this for a couple months, because, as I explained in my last post, I feel like I have a lot to say but unraveling it into a blog post is not happening.
Perhaps if I challenge myself to blog everyday for the next 30 days (since we're already 5 days into June), I can say what I've been meaning to say. Obviously, creative control of this blog is solely mine, but for some reason, I'm putting pressure on myself about it. I just need to let go.
So challenge extended...not for anyone else really, just for me...so without promises about greatness of content, for the next 30 days, I will blog every day.
"Do or do not--there is not try."
Perhaps if I challenge myself to blog everyday for the next 30 days (since we're already 5 days into June), I can say what I've been meaning to say. Obviously, creative control of this blog is solely mine, but for some reason, I'm putting pressure on myself about it. I just need to let go.
So challenge extended...not for anyone else really, just for me...so without promises about greatness of content, for the next 30 days, I will blog every day.
"Do or do not--there is not try."
What Do I Want To Say?
I feel like I have a lot that I could write about. I feel like there is a lot that I want to write about. And yet, I'm having a difficult time writing anything at all.
May was a really busy month for me. I'm glad that I was in May term and that I got those classes taken care of. I am really envious of those who just graduated. As much as I love going to school and taking all this information in, I am finding myself feeling anxious about taking the next step and moving into the career world. My girlfriend and I talk about it all the time. "Two more years," we tell ourselves. We think about leaving Utah. Part of me likes living here. Part of me really looks forward to the day when I can live somewhere else. I'd like to see what it's like. I'd like to be away from the pressure. Sometimes, I'd just like an easier excuse to bail on family activities.
I am still processing through Pride. What an amazing experience we had. My girlfriend and I both agree that this was probably one of the best Pride's we have gone to. I think it will take some more processing before I'm ready to write about it, because there were multiple elements involved for me.
My girlfriend and I have had fun and excitement over the past two weeks. It's been really awesome to get to spend time together. She's down to one job instead of three and I'm out of school for the summer. It's been almost three years and in so many ways, it's just flown by. I love being with her, and it seems to get better and better all the time.
Random, random, random, but this is all I feel like saying right now.
May was a really busy month for me. I'm glad that I was in May term and that I got those classes taken care of. I am really envious of those who just graduated. As much as I love going to school and taking all this information in, I am finding myself feeling anxious about taking the next step and moving into the career world. My girlfriend and I talk about it all the time. "Two more years," we tell ourselves. We think about leaving Utah. Part of me likes living here. Part of me really looks forward to the day when I can live somewhere else. I'd like to see what it's like. I'd like to be away from the pressure. Sometimes, I'd just like an easier excuse to bail on family activities.
I am still processing through Pride. What an amazing experience we had. My girlfriend and I both agree that this was probably one of the best Pride's we have gone to. I think it will take some more processing before I'm ready to write about it, because there were multiple elements involved for me.
My girlfriend and I have had fun and excitement over the past two weeks. It's been really awesome to get to spend time together. She's down to one job instead of three and I'm out of school for the summer. It's been almost three years and in so many ways, it's just flown by. I love being with her, and it seems to get better and better all the time.
Random, random, random, but this is all I feel like saying right now.
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